Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Acceptance.

This blog could go SO many ways with a title like that. Naturally, because this blog is about this little journey of mine, it’s about me. However, it is not about self-acceptance. I accepted myself for who I am long ago. And I kinda like who she is! :)

What I am talking about is that I THINK (that’s a big think because, you know, we all have our days)…
I finally realized that I’m not “fat” anymore.

Well, not totally anyway.

I’ve know I have muscle. I’ve known my bones stick out. I don’t always see myself as I am. I think that’s common. Many of us focus on the bad things that we want to change. But this evening when I looked in the mirror, and my arms were in the correct position, I stopped. I just stopped and looked…At my arm. The right one, to be exact.

“Woah… My arm is actually kinda small. When did that happen?”
I spend so much time focused on my extra skin that’s hanging there, that I don’t always see what’s under it. I often notice the obvious things; my collar bone, my spine, my ribs, my “little girly hands” (not what I call them lol), and my wrists… But my arms… Let alone the part of my arm that’s heading into upper arm skin territory? No way.

Tonight I thought “that looks like a skinny girl’s arm. And it’s on my body? For real?”
I love these little moments of disbelief. I love discovering new parts of myself that seem small. It feels so good every time I recognize something “new” about myself. It’s times like these that make me realize all that I’ve accomplished. It’s so easy to forget and focus on what’s left to do. I honestly cherish these moments because they’re such a powerful reminder of where I’ve been.

Tonight acceptance was about… The fact that I am actually small underneath that skin. And no this isn’t a rant about how annoying it is. This is me looking past it and at what is really there. Just because not everyone can see it, at least not all the time, doesn’t mean it isn’t there. Just because my brain and my eyes don’t always agree doesn’t mean that I look as bad as I seem to think.
Tonight I am accepting that parts of me are thin…. Probably more parts than I see. I know they’re there, and I love that they’re there.

On another note, the rotten plateau that I had been at decided to finally let me break it. I thought I would be stuck between 165 and 170 total pounds lost forever. But! I’m not!
After Labor Day weekend I went back up a few pounds (thank you, Sir Sodium, you evil, evil little man). I’ve never really gotten away from being healthy (since I started this, I mean). Sure a splurge here and there has been okay. I’m not going to deprive myself… I do treat myself. It’s important to do that. Most of the time those treats don’t taste as good as I thought they might, or I can handle only very small amounts because the sugar or salt makes me want to fall over. However, even a small taste before it turns gross is good.

So…Labor Day weekend… I indulged in Sprinkles cupcakes, good Chicago pizza from one of my favorite downtown spots - along with a glass of wine, two beers!, half of a hot dog, and some nachos, oh and some BBQ food. Yes, that, my friends, was like a sodium diet. HOLY COW! I did watch amounts of what I ate, and am sure that I had a few more calories than normal but not so many that I gained 3 pounds of fat. Also, as soon as I got back into my normal routine, those 3 pounds went away (within a couple days of my normalness - I love inventing words!).

Ever since then… I’ve been on a downward spiral. Well, not me, my weight! This is  a GOOD downward spiral! I’ve been consistently losing weight since then (yes, I am aware it’s only been a few weeks). However, after being stuck in one weight range for almost 4 months, I’m already down into the middle of the next! Since my high weight the Tuesday after labor day, I’m down 8 pounds. As I said, that was probably due to sodium (oh and not as much water as normal) because I quickly went back to where I had been prior to the weekend. But! I’ve continued to lose… It’s been about 5 pounds (as of this morning) compared to my weight prior to the LDW fest. Not bad for two weeks! Actually, that’s a pretty healthy rate of loss. I hope it continues!!! I will be continuing my pattern of increased workout time and a few less calories. It seems to be paying off. I guess sometimes you need a splurge to make your body realize that it’s supposed to be working with you, not just content to stay as is!

This happy rate of loss over the last couple weeks has me thinking that I just may reach my weight loss goal by my birthday. It’s only 17 pounds away… Why does that sound so much better than 20, 22, or 25? It’s only a few pounds but, wow, can that make a difference. Two more pounds and I’ll be the same weight as my Mom, or at least where I knew she had been a couple months ago. I honestly cannot remember when I weighed the same as my Mom.

The sad news? I thought that, because in the past I seemed to be going through a size every 15 pounds or so, is that I’m still the same size. I’ll be the same size two pounds from now. Maybe in another 10 pounds I’ll be down a size again. Who knows!

What I do know is that I’m happy and healthy….And that means so much.

2 comments:

  1. Becky, I'm so very proud of you! Congratulations on getting back on your "downward spiral"! You are going to hit that goal by your birthday. I know it!

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