Thursday, September 29, 2011

Dear Saboteurs,

I know that your sabotage is unintentional. I know that you don’t realize that the little things you do are sabotaging my efforts. I have a hard time telling you “no” even though I really need to learn to do so.

To those of you who tell me to stop worrying so much about my weight….

I know that you love me dearly and want me to be relaxed and at ease. Generally, I am. IF I make a comment about being bummed that I didn’t lose a pound or something, it does NOT mean that I am stressing about it. It just means that I’m annoyed that I’m staying the same. If I stay the same I’m not hard on myself. Because you love me and I love you, I feel safe venting to you. However, when you tell me to “relax” and “stop worrying” about it, it makes it hard. I don’t want to vent to you. You make me want to close communication regarding my weight. That’s not a good thing. If I want to call myself “fat” because I’m having a bad day, just let me do it.I know that you don’t know how to deal with it or how to best support me, but just let me go. Don’t tell me I’m being ridiculous. Don’t tell me not to worry. Just tell me that it’s okay to feel that way; everyone has their bad days. I know you want to, but don’t try to “fix” it. You can’t. If I’m having a horrible, self-loathing kind of day, just let me.

Those of you who think that I’m fine right where I am…

I’m not. You may think I look “fine.” I don’t agree. This is just because I want to be in a different place than I am. I have a different goal than what you see. I think that maybe because I’ve lost so much weight already, I look like I’m good where I am. I don’t think I do. It’s really just a difference of opinion regarding what I currently look like. I might be “fine” as you say, but I just don’t agree with you. No matter how many times I’m told that I’m “fine” and have “accomplished so much” and that I don’t need to “worry” about it, just doesn’t matter. I’m going to keep working toward my goal no matter who thinks I’m “fine” and I’ll stop when I’m ready, even if someone else thinks I still look disgustuing. “Fine” is something that we all define differently. So, thank you for thinking I look “just fine” where I am. In thinking about it, I probably do like “fine.” However, I want to look my best, not just “fine.”

Appearance aside, the truth is that according to my BMI, I’m overweight. I have around ten more pounds to lose before I am at the top of the “healthy” range. I want to be “healthy,” according to BMI standards. I don’t want to be at the TOP of that range. I’d like to be nestled comfortably within that range, so that if I go out of town and eat higher sodium foods than normal, the couple pounds of water retention won’t boost me back into the “overweight” category.

The definition of healthy can vary depending on what you’re looking at… I workout and I eat healthy. To some, that means I’m already healthy. Sure, I have healthy habits, but I want to have a healthy BMI so that by medical standards, I am healthy. For my height, I am still carrying around extra, unhealthy weight. I will keep working until I’m, in my opinion, comfortably healthy.

Also, no matter how many times you say it, I’m not going to “turn sideways and disappear.” I thank you for the compliment about how much weight I’ve lost. I’m not however in any danger of disappearing should I turn sideways. I’m also in no danger of “blowing away” in the wind. I especially love this when people thinner than I am say it to me. I appreciate your compliments SO MUCH.

I just have no intention of stopping now.

If your weight is a concern of yours, do not tell me that I’m fine and I can “stop” now. My weight has nothing to do with you. If you don’t like that I may weigh less than you do, then do something about YOUR weight. Worrying about mine and where I am at is not going to stop you. The truth is, I’m going to be healthy. Recently it has been taking a little longer than I’d like but I’m going to get there. Apparently the rumor about the more you lose the harder it is, is true. When I do get there, I’m going to stay there. If you have an issue about your own weight, you need to address it. Don’t tell me that I should stop losing. I have goals and I’m working toward them. I’m determined, motivated, and I’m pretty dang competitive. If you want me to stop losing because you don’t want me to get to where you are (or even lower), that makes me want to do it even more. I guess I should say thank you for the extra bit of motivation. I honestly don’t care what you weigh. I don’t want to compare myself to you. You should probably stop worrying so much about my weight and you should probably stop comparing yourself to me. I’m not you and you’re not me.

To those of you who try to do what’s best for me (meaning what you feel is best)...

Please stop it! I appreciate that you are concerned about me. However, I too am concerned about me. I have done much research about what I need and what I don’t need. I count values like calories, carbs, fat, and sodium. I know what I want to eat and what I do not want to eat. If I prefer to load up on my “freggies” then that’s what I will do. I eat carbs in moderation and most come from my fruits. I do enjoy a cookie or something now and then, generally when I’m not at home because I refuse to buy that stuff.

So, person who does me the huge favor of picking a few things up for me at the store…I cannot tell you how much I appreciate you picking things up for me at the store. This is especially helpful on weekends that I’m out of town. Although you are doing me this much appreciated favor….When I say DON’T buy me that, I mean it!! I’m NOT going to eat it. When I ask for certain things, please get them…Don’t ignore them and get what you think I need instead.

And the rest of you who worry about what I’m eating, stop it! I am getting my nutrients. I’m watching what I’m eating so that I’m in suggested ranges for what my body needs. I am not starving. I am not malnourished. I do not have an eating disorder like anorexia or bulimia. I’m not taking extreme measures to reach my goals. I am doing it the healthy way, as I have done all along. Perhaps some of you should worry about what you’re putting into your mouth rather than worrying about what’s going into mine.

To those of you who think I’m super human… I AM NOT.

I have bad days. I get off-track sometimes. Doesn’t everyone have a bad day, in some way, every so often? I DO TOO. I have splurges that last for a day rather than a meal. Sometimes I go away for the weekend and come back 3 pounds heavier. This is typically water weight due to increased sodium and it goes back down within a few days, but still, it’s different and out of my normal routine. No, I’m not gaining fat (the amount of cal needed to make a pound of fat is way more than I’d be able to eat within a couple day span). I may stay within my calorie range, but the unhealthier foods have more sodium and such, soooo….up up up I go. Luckily I get back on track and work hard and then I go down down down, and down a little more.
Sometimes I have bad days in general. Sometimes I just FEEL hungrier than normal. I might crave things I don’t usually eat. I may eat more calories than normal. I used to beat myself up about this. Now I’ve learned to accept it. Telling myself I’m a fat, horrible cow doesn’t do me any good. It just makes me feel bad. Now? I account for it and get back on track. Oddly, sometimes our bodies need that. Sometimes that stimulates a faster loss. Of course if it’s just water weight, it’s not like it’s fat, but still, I’ve had times where I’ve lost the water and kept going.

I don’t have special super powers. I don’t take pills. I eat. Sometimes too much – you know to the point of feeling too full. Sometimes it’s something not healthy. Overall though… I’m healthy. During this whole process what’s what I’ve done…. Eat healthy and exercise. Sometimes people don’t like to hear that. They want to know the easy way to do it. Honestly, there isn’t an easy way. It’s a change in your lifestyle. Forever. You may try and fail over and over again before you’re successful. I don’t know what will do it for you, but you have to reach a point where suddenly you have no other choice.

You just have to make the change.

XOXO

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