Friday, September 16, 2011

Pondering the Past.

I was just looking for an empty flash drive and came across old pictures that I had forgotten about.


I have realized that….

1. Dang! I used to have some HUGE knockers!!! Insane. Those puppies were out of control. I miss them. Would I go back to the way I was just to be a DDD? Nope. I will take my smaller boobies and my smaller body. Happily. I’d rather be thin and have C-cups than be fat and have boobs the size of my freaking head. This reminds of me a line from a Shakira song (*talk about an awesome body!)….
“Lucky that my breasts are small and humble
So you don’t confuse them with mountains”

2. I don’t think I EVER realized how big I really was. I mean, I’d look in the mirror and hate myself. Daily. But the exact size never really registered. I am honestly in complete shock that I wasn’t aware of my size. Don’t get me wrong, I knew I was big; just not that big. Or maybe I just ignored it.  NOW I can see it. The horrible part? There are days when I look at myself now and think that I’m THAT big. I’m not. I know that. I think it’s interesting that I never really see myself (physically) as I am.

3. I was a wild woman back in the day! I knew I got crazy in college (especially my last semester before graduation) but I didn’t realize how long it continued after college. I remember having this weird period where I wasn’t ready to be a grown-up. I didn’t want to be done with college. My solution? To continue to act like a dumb college girl… I went out A LOT. This meant that I drank quite a bit. Not always, but much more than I do now. Most of my pics from back then were of me at bars, parties, or smaller gatherings with friends at my house. Really? That’s how I spent most of my 20s? Fat and as a party girl? Shame on me. Shaaaammmmme. Oh!! I cannot forget to mention that several of my pics were of myself in poses that I must have thought were sexy. HAHAHAHAHA!! NOOOO. I get a laugh out of how people will try to look hot and sexy in pics and in reality, they just look dumb. Me included. The pics were good for a laugh though!!

Now? My pictures are mainly with those that I love. They’re of things that I’ve created. They’re of me, to show weight loss progress. If I pose, I do it to show my progress, and to show my beauty (I do hope inner beauty and happiness shines through too). I don’t take pics to try to gain male attention. It used to be sexy pic, hot pic, ohhhh I’m amazing, etc… Then, naturally, I’d post them on MySpace.
Oh yes, MYSPACE. It’s been a while. As we know, now all the cool kids are using FaceBook.
It saddens me to think about how many girls take pics in these seductive-ish poses and post them online. They do not have to show much (mine didn’t; cleavage and my rear-end and that’s about it…NOT NUDE) but the point is there. That’s NEGATIVE attention, ladies! When you try to look like a sexpot in your poses, guys are attracted to you for the wrong reasons. The main one being that they think you’re easy. Hmmm…No wonder so many creepers used to hit on me. And? I never posted pics for THAT reason. I posted them to attract guys, yes. But I thought that they’d want to get to know ME. Wrong.
I was not some tramptastic (I love inventing fabulously fun words!) girl, but I wanted the attention from guys. It made me feel good about myself…For a minute. Until the guys would realize they weren’t gonna get what they were after and moved on. Or until they met someone who was more attractive and then left me hanging.

4. I miss some of the fun times with friends and family (mostly one of my cousins who I often had over to party). I miss hanging out as often. I miss spending time with them and acting like silly goofballs.
At the same time, I know that this means we’ve grown-up. We’ve matured. We’ve moved on; built adult lives. We can still have fun times and be close. We just know how to have real fun; not the kind that’s alcohol-induced.

5. The most important thing that looking at these pictures is that I’m not the person I used to be. I like who I’ve become. Correction. I LOVE who I’ve become. I’m no longer insecure. I no longer do stupid stuff to get attention. I love who I am, and now, someone can TRUELY love me. For me. Not for my ta-tas. Not for my booty. For the person I am inside and out. I’ve learned to be me and to love me. I’m sad that I hid myself for so long… Inside a body that was preventing me from living my life. That is one mistake that I will NEVER make again.

I try not to have regrets in life, but there are a couple things that I do regret. This? Is not one of them. After all, all those things made me who I am today. I may have been just as insecure and shy if I were thin. I would not have experienced this amazing life-changing event. No, it’s not an event. It was a DECISION that I made to live my life in the way it was meant to be lived. Part of me is sad that I didn’t do this earlier….My 20s would have been MUCH different if I had. Part of me is sad that I didn’t get to be the young, carefree girl that was inside. Now she’s coming out, and it’s a little late. But! Guess what! I still shop at stores that I didn’t get to. I will wear cute, trendy things…Until I LOOK too old or I become a Mom (then some of them will go, but not all).

Additionally….(This realization JUST came to me)…I will NEVER again step foot inside of a Lane Bryant. I can’t tell you the last time I did…Over a year, for sure. As soon as I could fit into clothes from stores that I hadn’t shopped at in years, LB was out the window. That’s not because it was a bad store or anything. That was because I didn’t HAVE to shop there anymore.

 One store that I did shop at that I miss is Torrid. They definitely had some awesome stuff!! I think that the fine people at the company that owns Torrid need to come up with a sister store, that carries smaller sizes. It’s funny to think that for so long I felt someone needed to make fun clothes in larger sizes, then I discovered Torrid! Now I want them to make them in smaller sizes!!! The good thing though, is that I can find similar clothes in smaller sizes at other stores. Thank goodness.

I’m happy….I am truly happy with who I’ve become, and who I will continue to be.


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