Friday, September 16, 2011

Reflections.


My decision to start this blog wasn’t an easy one. I knew that I wanted to say things that I never had said. I planned to write about feelings that even my family and closest friends didn’t know I had. I decided to share thoughts that I never shared; secrets that might have been holding me back. I also can’t forget to mention that a blog is viewable by…ANYONE!! YIKES!

I linked my tumblr blog to my Facebook page.  Not all of my Facebook friends are on Tumblr. Actually, very few are. But they can still read my blog. Every post that I put up shows up on my page. This was the scariest part of blogging, for me anyway. I was perfectly fine with complete strangers reading what I would write, but sharing those things with the people I know was frightening. My family and my close friends….They scared me the most. Isn’t it odd how I was afraid to share what was inside with the people that love me? They should be easiest to share with. However, when the subject is something that might be difficult, it’s not so easy.

I have some of my co-workers on Facebook. These are people that I see at work, but not too often outside of work. I certainly don’t have close personal relationships with them. Now I was going to let them into a part of my life that they didn’t know about.

The same is true of school friends - from elementary through grad school. Some of my old friends’ parents can see what I post. Most of these people don’t know much about me… At least not now; not those personal feelings.

Then we have the ex-boyfriends. Oh boy…I have experienced my share of broken hearts. If I write about them, they can follow the link on my page and see exactly what I might say.  I will never mention them by name. I probably won’t even use the first letter of their first names to identify them. I’ll never say anything about them to hurt them. If any of them are brought up at anytime, it will be because of feelings that I had that contributed to my weight and self-esteem issues. I mean, a girl can only get dumped so many times before she’s convinced that there’s something “wrong” with her. It is especially damaging when she’s dumped for another girl…Or when she’s been cheated on. Clearly she must not be good enough if he has to go find someone else. BOOM!! There’s another point OR TEN off of the ol’ self-esteem.  There were times I wondered “do I have any left?” 

Then we have the ex-boyfriends’ current girlfriends, or wives, ex-girlfriends (because seriously, we all know that girls check up on one another because…we’re nosey?) or even those horrible skanks they cheated with. Oh wait….I shouldn’t be calling them names; unless of course they intentionally messed up my relationships. Even so, I wouldn’t be who I am or where I am today without those situations. So thanks. Also, please note, I am on friendly terms with some of my ex's new ladies. I like them. My point though is that it's hard to expose insecurities to people who you may feel vulnerable around.

My fear of showing these people what was inside was something that was difficult to handle. But I felt like I had to do it. I know people talk. I guess I was afraid that they’d look at me as week, or like I have some crazy mental health issues, or that they’d get satisfaction in knowing that I felt so incredibly bad at times. I didn’t want people to see me that way. I didn’t want them to make rude comments behind my back, or even worse, to my face. I put myself in a very vulnerable position by starting this blog.

What I’ve learned so far is that….

My family and close friends love me. Okay, so I knew that before but it’s always nice to be reminded. Not one of them has said that they were angry that I didn’t share these thoughts and feelings with them. None of them has said that they felt lied to and were hurt (this was a huge fear). They all have been so amazing. I love you guys.

If people think anything negative about me because of the things I’ve chosen to share about my life, then they have a lot bigger things to worry about than I do.  They should probably do some self-assessing.
I’m stronger than I realized. Posting my most personal feelings about difficult things doesn’t make me weak. It makes me strong. How many people are able to share things about themselves with the world? Literally. The World. Anyone who has internet access could come across this blog. I might as well be hanging out with the Naked Cowboy. Naked. Okay, maybe not…YIKES!!! I am certainly not comfortable enough to just walk around naked in NYC. Kudos to you though, Cowboy.

I was wrong about hearing negative things. As of now, I’ve not seen or heard one negative thing. Instead it’s been the opposite. I’ve heard positive, inspiring things. Women have told me that I’ve motivated them to make a change. I think that by posting the reality of it is what is most motivating. Pictures help too, but I think that the story of someone who’s done it is much more powerful than a photograph.

Tonight I received a message from someone who shared that someone in his life was inspired by reading what I’ve written. I brought a complete stranger to tears.

It’s those moments when I’m reminded of why I started this blog. I wanted to share my story. I wanted to motivate others, even if I touched just one person, I’d be happy. In the short time I’ve been blogging, I’ve already touched more than one person.

XOXO

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