Friday, September 16, 2011

Shall I be SHOT?

Yes, that’s right someone wants to shoot me. YIKES!

To clarify, not with a gun. Not even a squirt gun. Not with a bow and arrow. Not with a hose. Not with some form of liquid flying out of the end of a straw. No, no one will be shooting anything at me.
A photographer wants to shoot me.

As in…Do a PHOTO shoot. One in which I am the model….?? For real? Did I read that correctly? Apparently so.

Now, I am so NOT against it. I have just planned to wait until I reach my goal weight. BUT now I am starting to re-think that.

My reason for waiting is that a photo shoot was going to be my reward; my gift to myself for reaching my goal. That and maybe a vacation. Or a photo shoot and shopping spree. Whatever I choose, I for sure want to do a shoot.

Here’s what I’ve been thinking lately…

I have a lot of nasty skin NOW. How much more will I have about 20 pounds from now? The fact is that even when I reach my goal, I’m not going to LOOK how I would like to. I’m fairly certain that I will not be busting out a bikini to have my photo taken in. I wouldn’t now. I certainly won’t when I have even more excess skin.

So… Why not do it now?  I’ve come a long way and have been working so hard. I’ve been really into the fitness aspect of things lately; more than I had been most of the summer. I feel like I have a new sort of freedom with the strength that I feel.

A shoot was meant to be a goal reward. I don’t think it’s such a bad thing to change it. I’d still like for something fun like a trip or a shopping spree to be my reward.

However, I’ve also been thinking about that…

I might give myself the gift of…Surgery. I am terrified of the pain associated with it, but pain only lasts so long. I’m not a fan of the idea of scars, especially the ones that will end up on my arms from brachioplasty.
These scars will be a reminder of where I was, where I will be when I get there, and a reminder of the journey it took to reach my goal. In my opinion, this freakin’ skin is pretty much the same thing. It’s not a nice reminder. I look at it and groan because it’s hideous.  Other days I cry. I cry because after all of this work I still do not find my body what I’d call attractive. I cry because I wouldn’t have this problem had I never been overweight in the first place. No that’s not right. According to my BMI I am overweight now. I was obese. I was morbidly obese. I was slowly killing myself. How the hell could I do that to myself?! I guess I really just didn’t care about me as much as I should have. Not anymore though… Now I’m FINALLY putting myself first.

While this journey has been for my health, my physical appearance is also very important to me.
I don’t want to wake up every single day for the rest of my life with this random skin hanging around. The more I think about it, the more I feel that the scars of surgery are the kind I’d prefer. They seem better than unsightly skin.

The cost factor pretty much sums up the fact that surgery will be my reward. Surgery is not fun. It has risks. It hurts. It’s a more expensive reward than I had planned on giving myself. This is why my other reward ideas, while a heck of a lot more fun (but not as long lasting) are probably not going to happen.
Back to my original thought…. Am I ready to be shot? Or not?

I still haven’t decided, but I really am leaning toward doing it sooner than later. AND? I can always get shot again in the future…. After I reach my goal. After I heal.


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