Friday, September 16, 2011

Unrecognizable on 8/7/11.

Today I had a couple “ah-ha” moments.

There have been times on this journey that I still think I look like I did in the past. I forget that I’m about half of who I used to be, in terms of weight/body. I think I’m much more than I used to be in other areas. Good areas.

Anyway, there are days when all I can look at is what I still don’t like. I look at my thighs and think they’re the biggest thighs in the world. I see myself like I saw the girl who was a size 22/24 at her largest. I never would have admitted that back then. BUT now since I am half of that, I’m okay with it. I have no problem with people knowing that depending on the pants I’m a 10/12 (mostly a 12). I mean, that’s NORMAL. And shirts? Anywhere from an XXS (okay, that’s one BCBG shirt and it’s quite flowy/boho style, but STILL) to a large in a couple fitted “Juniors’” things. My dresses are a medium; 8/10.

But yet I look in the mirror and I don’t SEE it. What I do see isn’t who I am. This is something I’m sure I’ll continue to struggle with for a while. That’s why I take so many pics….Because THEN I believe it. The mirror is as much an enemy as the scale. I don’t see what I really look like. Most of the time anyway. I do have days I recognize it, and those are generally days that my self-confidence is through the roof. I have always projected a lot of confidence, but now… I’m dangerous. I OWN my hotness (as anyone should!).
There are also new things that I don’t like. Things that, no matter what I do, are going to be there. Skin would be my primary issue.

The skin is a scar. It’s a reminder of who I was, and a reminder of who I never will be again. Sometimes I forget to look at it that way… Generally that’s when I hate it. I move it around and think “ohhh look how tiny but defined my arm would be if it weren’t for that.” Depending on the day, it disgusts me. Not because of what it looks like, but because of why I have it. I have to live with the fact that I put my body through hell….Every day.

Today I was at a family reunion and looked at some old pics. I looked at one and thought “who’s that with my Mom?” Then I realized, the beast in the picture was me. HOLY COW!! COW, FOR REAL! I seriously didn’t even recognize myself. It was from a distance so I couldn’t see my face, but for a minute I forgot what I had, at one time, looked like.
I didn’t recognize myself. This makes me happy because… Maybe, more than I realize, I’m adjusting to who I am now. Even if I am not at my goal and I don’t have the ideal body, I’ve made a LOT of progress.

Progress NOT perfection.

I also realized that I am thankful I’m fairly tall and it (the fat) was more spread out than it is on a shorter person wearing that size. That would super suck.

Okay, got off-track again….

Also at the reunion, a family member said that she had to think of a minute to realize that it was me with my Mom. AWESOME!

After that I was at a store (buying healthy groceries!) and saw two people I haven’t seen in a while. One I haven’t seen in almost a year-and-a-half. The other I haven’t seen since…Wow, probably not long after I graduated college. Seven years. Neither of these people recognized me. I smiled at/said hi to both. One gave a polite smile, but not the kind where you recognize someone. The other just kept on going (this is the lady I haven’t seen in years).

Either I have the memory of an elephant (they are the really smart ones, right?)  — but not the body — and remember better than they did. Or they didn’t recognize me. I run into that a lot, so I’m willing to guess that they had no idea who I was. I’m okay with that…Not at all offended. Actually, without knowing, they gave me an awesome compliment. So, big thanks to them!!!

Talk about a great day for validation of what I’ve done. It was also validating that I am NOT what I see in the mirror, and that my mind is taking F.O.R.E.V.E.R. to catch up with my body.
I’m excited to see how people will react when I reach my goal. I’m pretty certain that I’ll be even more unrecognizable. And that? Could be fun!!

**Cue “Mission” Impossible theme…..**


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