Friday, September 16, 2011

What a Weekend...An Emotional Tale. (From 7/16/11).

This weekend was busy, fun, and in general totally awesome. I was kind of all over the place with my thoughts though. I was confident, and then felt so horrible I let a few tears slip out.

The weekend started out great… I shopped at Guess…FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER!!! I’m not talking accessories; I’ve bought those before. I am talking about clothes! Ohhhh the clothes! In the past I was too fat to wear guess. Unfortunately they did not go up to a 22/24 (my biggest). But NOW…Ohhhh now…Guess and I are about to embark on a love affair.

I bought some super cute pieces. I am SO loving this pink, strapless dress that I bought. It’s gorgeous – plain but very, very cute. I also bought some black capris, black comfy-style capris, a graphic tank, a graphic tee, a bustier-style top, a gray sheer top, and a white eyelet tank (totally boho – I’m picturing it with some light jean shorts and brown wedges or sandals or something). The bustier-style top is cute rather than sexy. On Friday night I tried on everything and strutted around my hotel room like I was Ms. Amazing. I FELT so good!

I continued feeling confident and generally amazing on Saturday morning. The day was spent at Six Flags Great America…FUN! My outfit? Black monokini from Express (I felt so sleek and sexy in that), black knit skirt with a fold over top from Old Navy, the bustier top from Guess, and some flip flops. Oh and my signature “Hollywood” style shades. It was a super cute outfit. The bustier top had yellow, white, and pink in it – definitely more cutesy than sexy. When I left for the park, I felt awesome. I felt like my monokini looked good and the outfit over it was fun.

My good feeling continued throughout the majority of the day… Until after lunch when we went to the water park.

BOOM!!! Did you hear that? That was the hit to my self-esteem on Saturday. I was in the water park, took my top off, and was walking around in my bathing suit and skirt. I was fine but then suddenly I felt super self-conscious. My confidence escaped me. I felt like that size 22/24 fat girl again.  I looked at these “hot” girls with their awesome bikini bodies. I instantly felt a few different feelings; sad, not good enough, angry, and insecure.  Luckily there was something else going on and we didn’t stay in the water park for a long time, so I avoided removing my skirt. After figuring everything out, some of us left the water park. I was NOT going to stay, no matter how awesome the water would have been. At that time, I wanted to get out of there; as badly as I wanted to go there earlier in the day (when I felt good about myself).

I didn’t have a mirror nearby, but all I could “see” in my mind was a fat girl. People looked at me. My wonderful Mom would say that they were checking me out, or looking at what I was wearing, or something else that would sound as though they were admiring me in some way. My thought process, apparently, does not work in that same way. It definitely didn’t in this situation.

I hated myself. Behind my big sunglasses, a few tears escaped my eyes. I tried so hard to hold them in, but some of them weren’t having it. I was pinching at my skin, wishing that I could just rip it off. I wanted to punish myself for not being like the “hot” girls. All of these old feelings of sadness related to my appearance came rushing back like a flood gate had broken. I couldn’t do anything to stop them; suddenly they were there.

Why is it so easy to focus on the negative? I immediately thought of my problem areas – my “extra” skin, my cellulite, the fat that remains, the fact that I think that my boobs are too small…. I got angry with myself because I felt like I had eaten too much (too many calories) that day. I hadn’t. I was just fine; on track. But I felt like I shouldn’t have eaten what I did – if anything at all.

 I eventually relaxed and felt better… I highly believe that some retail therapy at BCBG and H&M helped with this feeling. The new clothes reinforced that I HAVE changed what I look like. This is not a solution. I cannot engage in retail therapy every time I feel bad about myself. Sometimes I think I’ve replaced eating with shopping. I feel better for a while, but then I feel guilty about having spent so much money. I feel badly that some people have nothing and here I am buying stuff that I don’t need like it’s no big deal.

Here is where I’ll admit to being a spoiled only child. I got a lot of what I wanted growing up. That being said, you should know that I am not the typical spoiled brat. When things were given to me, I learned how to be thankful and generous. I send a lot of thank you cards. I love to give gifts. In fact, I enjoy buying things for others than myself. I take time with others. I like to make sure that the people I love are taken care of and I do what I can to help them feel that way. I want them to know how special they are; how much they matter; how beautiful they are (inside and out). I want to be a positive, encouraging person in their lives….Especially the lives of other women, and girls. I want to be a positive role model for young girls. I want them to know how special they are. I feel that I’ve done a good job of that thus far. And will continue to do so.
Anyway, my point was that I may be spoiled but I am not one of those people who expect people to do things for them or get things for them.  

So, the monokini at Six Flags made me feel like a hideous beast. It was reinforced to me that I did not in fact look like a hideous beast; that I looked fine…. That I even looked GOOD.

Dear Self,
Please cooperate and let me see the real me. Let me love me. You KNOW I love me. You KNOW I know how to love me. Stop throwing random mental blocks at me. Just one tiny shred of self-doubt and the sad fat girl is back inside me. I don’t like her. I want her to leave me alone. I will continue to do what I can to be positive and shut her up. I’ll continue to be healthy, because, being healthy is the best gift I have ever given myself. You need to realize that I am a changed woman. Sure, every now and then you can make me feel absolutely rotten, but it doesn’t last for long. I have people in my life who love me. They are constantly encouraging me. Mostly though, deep down I know you. One bad moment can’t ruin a day. You’re getting better at understanding that, but sometimes I wish you’d STOP attempting. I’m not going to give-in. I’m strong. I am in control. I win.
Thank you,

Additionally, I want to add that it WAS a successful week. I’d been at a point where I was maintaining. Not bad, if I were where I want to be! I still want to LOSE weight, so maintaining is NO BUENO!!!!
I came up with a plan for the week. I developed plans for both eating (menus) and exercise. I ROCKED IT!!! My goal for the week was to lose five pounds by the time I went to Six Flags on Saturday. I know that five pounds in a week seems like a BIG goal, especially since the experts suggest two to three pounds a week. BUT I knew what I’d done before. I knew how and why I was maintaining. I knew just how to stimulate the loss…. And…I DID.

When I weighed on Sunday (yes, a day later than intended), I was down SIX pounds. I’m confident that I met my goal…And honestly, a day probably didn’t make THAT much difference.
My next goal is to lose five more pounds by my friend’s wedding at the end of the month. I KNOW I can achieve it. I have almost two weeks to reach that goal. I don’t think that’s asking a lot, and I know it can be done – easily.

I’m not stopping until I get where I want to be. And then? I’m not really even stopping…. I’ll continue to maintain – my weight and my healthy lifestyle. When I reach that goal, I re-evaluate and see if I need/want to lose more or if I’m content to maintain.

I hope that I’ll be content and that I won’t feel like I need to push myself to attain something that’s not healthy. I do wonder and worry about that sometimes. Will my goal be enough? Will enough ever be enough? Or am I going to strive so hard for perfection that I lose my sense of health along the way? It’s a very rational fear. I KNOW what is healthy and what is not, and I hope that I will not get too caught up in losing weight. I have a tendency to obsess sometimes, but then I bring myself right back to the positive attitude that this is for health – and for life.


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