Monday, November 28, 2011

Dream a Little....Nightmare?

This blog is, in general, about health, fitness, and all things associated with either. This post is not. Not directly anyway. I'm sure, in some way, it could be linked to my subconscious, life stress, or something else that relates to wellness. Let's be honest though, I don't really want to try to figure it out. The connection isn't that important.

I don't really want to maintain two blogs so, I guess, every now and then I will post random topics here.

Last night I had an odd dream. It was about a wedding. My wedding. I'm not married. I'm not engaged. I'm not planning or assisting in the planning of a wedding. This wedding has no direct impact to my life at the moment. Perhaps my subconscious is trying to tell me something?

I never got to the wedding part of the dream. It was everything leading up to it that I dreamt of. It was...A disaster. This dream was more like a nightmare. Quite honestly it's the opposite of what I would consider my dream wedding.

First of all, I was wearing a black wedding gown. It looked more like a bridesmaid or prom dress. It was that typical satiny fabric, strapless, a-line, with an ugly little rhinestone square on a satiny black ribbon around the waist, like a belt. I would NEVER get married in something like that. First...Black? Never. That ugly little rhinestone and ribbon belt? EWWW.

The person in the dress, while me, didn't look like me. I was chunky...Not fat like I was but there was more to me than there is now. My chest was bigger, but so were my tummy and hips. I had brown hair. Messy brown hair. It was like I had it done but it was falling out of the style. I remember screaming something about that's what I get for not going to get my hair done at a salon.

There was also an issue about shoes. I was freaking out about the black dress and suddenly became obsessed with having to have white shoes because I needed SOMETHING white. I was in Walmart with my Mom, trying to find shoes. I was looking at the kind that don't even come in a box! They were on those plastic hangers like slippers often come on. This would also never happen. I'll admit I'm a clothing snob... Shoes from Walmart? Not for me. It was also interesting that one of my old assistant managers (from when I worked there) was working, and I was trying to hide from him because I was so embarrassed.

The site of the wedding was at someone's home. I remember one of my cousins was supposed to be helping to set things up but we couldn't find him. Then I saw these posters, done by kids of my cousins (who are currently one and almost two). The cousins in the dream were cousins that I don't see much anymore, but I was close with them in the past. The posters were large white pieces of paper with a message welcoming out of town guests to the wedding. The kids had drawn on them in crayon. For some reason this pushed me over the edge. I was not having welcome posters at my wedding, and certainly not posters done in crayon by toddlers. I went all Bridezilla and said enough was enough, I was not doing it. Everything was falling apart and turning out to be a bit too white trash for my taste. This was not good enough for me, the girl who dreams of a princess style wedding.

I was crying, I was screaming, and I wanted to run away. In fact in my dream I may have run away. I can't remember if I was screaming that I wasn't going to get married this way to someone specific or if I was just screaming it to no one in particular. That's when either the dream ended or I woke. At the end of the dream I knew I wasn't going through with that wedding, but I have no idea if I told anyone or if I just bolted.

Other than the black dress and the white shoes, the dream was in color.

I remember feeling as though it was rushed and I'm not sure why. A shot-gun wedding? No thank you. I felt as though I had no control. I felt as though I was being forced into a marriage. I felt like a girl who was entering into an arranged marriage when everything inside of her didn't want to.

I do not remember who I was marrying. At one point though I thought maybe it was supposed to be an ex. I'm not sure though. The dream wasn't really about the groom. It was all about me ending up in a situation that I hated. It wasn't about the idea of the wedding itself, but of all of the things leading up to it that were going wrong and that were not how I wanted them.

Interesting. Maybe this is not related to anything. Maybe it's showing me something.

I could pick it apart, research it all, and see what conclusion I can come up with....But there are many directions to take. Dream interpretation online is very basic. It might focus on the colors, the feelings, or something else. A lot of the ideas in the dream can mean different things. It would take a bit of time and some reflection to try to piece it together. The things that stand out (the most) to me are: the fact that I was wearing a black dress, family members I haven't seen in a while, my hair style falling and looking horrible, the search for the shoes, and the general feeling of having no control and that everything was going wrong. Why those particular things were important, I'm not sure.

My general feeling about the dream is that it showed me how important my independence is to me. It's something I value. The feeling of being forced into a situation that I didn't want was not easy for independent me. In fact it caused me a lot of anxiety and was seriously upsetting. In the end, I didn't go through with what I didn't want. That's very similar to how I am in life. I do think that the embarrassment of the situation was interesting... Maybe that's my snobby side coming out. I'm not comfortable with things that aren't how I want them. I don't want to settle for less than I feel I deserve. I am very competitive and I like to show off. I want the best of the best and anything less (or horrendous like in the dream) would be very upsetting to me.

I like to think about my dreams and what they might mean, if anything. Maybe it was nothing. Any dream experts out there that want to shed some light on this? I'm interested in hearing different ideas and opinions. Studying this kind of thing is very interesting to me.


Sunday, November 20, 2011

Pretty Powerful

The voting ended on Friday for the Bobbi Brown Pretty Powerful campaign contest.

 As anticipated, I did not win.

However, for signing up so late into the contest, I don’t think I did too bad with my 130 votes. It certainly was not 5000+ like the winner had, but I’m happy. What I’m most happy with is that I reached a few new people.

Thanks to my friends who shared the link on Facebook. Some of you had friends who messaged me, and I’m so grateful!!! The people who messaged me wanted some advice for various reasons. They may have felt lost, out of control, or just in need of a change. I shared my blog link and messaged back and forth. I hope that I inspired them to make a change.

My goal in signing up for this contest was to touch at least one person. Mission accomplished.

I want to continue to educate people about obesity… It’s BAD. I’m not a doctor. I’m not a nurse. I am just a girl who looked at herself one day and thought “no way” and made a change.

Whatever excuses you have, please know that they are just excuses. You CAN do the things you can’t. You just need to get inside your own head and encourage yourself. You have to be that little annoying voice that is screaming at you to push harder. Be the person you want to be deep down. By making excuses, all you are doing is hurting yourself.

I’m not saying this is all about appearance. It’s not. It’s about health. It’s not just about losing weight. It’s about adding years to your life. It’s about being happy and healthy. I firmly believe that mental and physical health are very closely related.

I want the people who feel like they are in a hole so large that they’ll never escape to know that, they can. It’s a long road. It can be hard. I’ve experienced my fair share of tears and anger. I’ve experienced far more moments of feeling accomplished, proud, happy, and thankful.

I can’t tell anyone what they need to do to change… Other than eat healthy and exercise. Ya gotta move and ya gotta watch what goes into your mouth. You can’t eat fast food and sit on the couch and expect change. It won’t happen.

Stop being lazy. That’s what it is. The excuses for why you “can’t” do something… That’s just laziness. You need to kick laziness’s ass. And you need to keep kicking it.

Sometimes I think I may offend someone with what I say. Too bad. I’m being honest. I am telling you the things that your well-meaning family and friends won’t. I’m not going to spare your feelings because maybe you need to feel. Maybe you need to cry and feel like you’ve hit rock bottom. If you don’t feel, it’s likely that you don’t really feel the problem. You need to feel.

Honestly, for me, this started out as “I need to lose weight.”  It’s become so much more. I’m an advocate for health. I never expected to discover that health would become so important to me. I love working out. I am back in touch with my inner-athlete. I want to go run around a baskeball court. Seriously, I was just pivoting around my kitchen tonight. My inner-athlete has been gone for a very long time… Since 7th grade when she thought she wasn’t good enough and gave up sports. She’s been gone for a long time and now she is ready to burst out of me.

I’m going to do Warrior Dash in 2012.

I want to do a small triathalon. I know I can bike, depending on the run I can do that… I need to go get into a pool because I haven’t done any real swimming in ages. I want to finish it… That’s all… I don’t need to win. I just want to do it. Doing these things, for me, is living. There is no greater experiencing than feeling the wind in my hair while biking; the sweat pouring off of me while running; and I’m sure the water rushing over me while swimming will be just as freeing. Ten years ago I never thought of those things or how amazing they would make me feel.

Ten years ago… Wow. When the heck did I become old enough to say things like that? Me no likely. Not one bit. I wish I was ten years younger. Well, maybe not…Maybe between five and eight. I can’t go back though. I can’t have a do-over.

Lately I’ve learned that age, the number, isn’t what is important. It’s how you feel. If I feel like I’m a 20-something, that’s okay.  Someone recently said that age is just a number… I think I’m finally accepting that.
There’s all this pressure at my age to be in situations that I am honestly not ready for. For example, right now, I don’t want babies. I’m so happy for my friends and family members who have gorgeous children. I love them. But I have a lot of living to do before I’m ready for that. I hate that sometimes I feel that time is running out. It’s not. I’m just learning who I really am….A little later than most, but earlier than others.
Where I live doesn’t help with that. That’s what you do around here… Get married and have babies. Honestly, sometimes I feel like I relate better to the characters on Sex and the City than I do some of the people around here. For me, life is not all about getting married, having babies, and living here. I need, and want, more in my life. I was lost for far too long. Now that I’m learning who I am and am letting her out….I need to live.

I can’t help but think of one of my favorite quotes (from SATC, of course)…

“Maybe some women aren’t meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free til they find someone just as wild to run with them.”
With all of that, I’m trying to say… You’ll change. Not just physically but emotionally and mentally as well. It’s scary, like a lot of changes are. It’s so good though. Self-discovery is something truly amazing. I’m sad that my real self was hiding inside a fat, insecure (although I’d never admit that and didn’t act like it) girl. This me? Was dying to get out.

Most importantly you have to love yourself. You don’t have to love how you look, but you do have to accept it. I think that for me, finally looking in the mirror and accepting myself for what I really looked like helped me to change. When I accepted myself, I decided to change myself.

The only person who can change you is you. You can get advice, you can seek therapy, you can do many things to help. In the end though, it’s up to you. You have to be ready to change.

You hold the power to change your life…Now how amazing is that?

I may not have won a contest, but I’ve won…. I’ve won against obesity. I fought a disease that I allowed myself to have. I prevented health problems. I’ve won a new attitude. I’ve won a new, strong, and real confidence. I’ve won a new outlook on life. I’ve won a new sense of peace. I’ve won the fight to really know myself. I’ve won the ability to inspire and motivate others. I’ve won a new direction.

On the shallow end of things…I’ve finally won my inner hotness!!! Hey, as much as it is about health, it’s about appearance too (for me anyway). I wouldn’t be set on getting cosmetic surgery if it wasn’t. I’ve the ability to look in the mirror and go “daaaamn.”

Most importantly, I’ve won my life.

What I’ve won is so much more important than a contest.  In the end, I happen to think I am Pretty Powerful.


Saturday, November 19, 2011

Being Sick? Sucks!

I haven’t posted in a while. Shame on me.

I was busy… Spending some time with some of my loves. I had a much needed GNO last Friday night (okay since today is Saturday I suppose that’s now two Friday nights ago). A few of us had a super fun outing downtown at Howl (at the Moon) and spent the night in the city. Ahhh…Chicago…Your excitement, energy, warm people, gorgeous views, and well…All of you. I love you, still.

Yes, my love affair with Chicago continues. When I say Chicago, I mean downtown…FYI.

The rest of the weekend was fairly laid back… A little shopping, out for dinner, nothing too wild and crazy. Overall, it was a great weekend with great people.

Sunday I started feeling kind of “blah.”  You know the feeling… Tried, like your temp is a little high, just yucky in general.

Yes, yucky and blah are medical terms…Haha.

So I just relaxed after I got home on Sunday (other than unpacking, of course). Monday I went back to work and felt okay, not great, but not horrible. Actually I felt much like I did on Sunday…Just blah. Tuesday was pretty much the same, but I was starting to feel worse… I noticed that my voice was getting pretty rough in addition to feeling how I did the previous two days. By the end of the work day I was feeling worse. I thought about going home to workout to “sweat it out.” That didn’t happen. I was much too sluggish.

Wednesday showed up. My voice did not. Well, not very well anyway.. It was there, but mostly a whisper. I’d have a moment of excitement when it would seem to come back but then it quickly got weak again. No bueno. So I went to the doc on Wednesday. Apparently I didn’t just feel blah. I was sick… Walking around for probably at least a couple days with a low-grade fever, without even really paying much attention. A sinus infection and laryngitis. Lovely. This meant an antibiotic for me. This also meant that I felt super crappy. I usually don’t go to the doctor unless something is making me feel really bad; whether it be sickness or an injury.  By Wednesday night my voice was even worse.

On Thursday my voice was pretty much gone. I had a bit of a whisper at times but most of the time, a whole lot of nothing. Good thing I didn’t go to work. This was SO HARD for me. I hate missing work, mostly because I know that I will, undoubtedly, return to a pile of work to catch up on. Who wants to do that? Not me. I’d rather be there and not deal with a friggin’ mess. I also had been saving up my sick time so that when I decide to have cosmetic surgery for excess skin, I’d have lots of time saved up.

I used a couple hours on Wednesday, and then 8 on Thursday, and another 8 on Friday.  Over two days off of work… UGH… I can’t wait to see how insane my work day will be on Monday. Thrilled, I tell ya, thrilled. Ha.

I’m feeling better today. Mostly I’ve just been dealing with a cough and feeling tired. I still haven’t done much of anything because it wears me out. However, I have been able to focus to look at things on line, and here I am, blogging! This is a huge improvement.

You know what I haven’t been able to do though… Exercise. I am honestly hating the fact that I can’t work out. Even thinking of it exhausts me right now. I’m taking off until Monday, but then it’s back to it.
I’ve already gone A WEEK without working out. My last workout was at the end of the last week….Thursday. I didn’t work out on Friday because I had a couple appointments then headed out of Podunk later in the day. I’m going to go ahead and count being on my feet for several hours, in heels, and much of it spent dancing, as a workout. This isn’t something I do on a regular basis. I’m sure consuming Stoil Raspberry and water, followed by a piece of pizza, didn’t do much for me though. Oh well… I have to LIVE this life that I’m in, even if that means partaking in big girl beverages and eating a piece of pizza every now and then. I didn’t eat much the rest of the day anyway, so calorie-wise, life was okay.

I had plans to have dinner with a couple friends last night….Friends I haven’t seen in a while. I had to cancel because I’ve been sick. Thanks sickness, you ass.

So. Being sick? Sucks. Mucho. I hate missing work. I super duper hate missing workouts. I also hate being cooped up in the house. I’ve had limited contact with the outside world over the last few days. It’s not like I’m going to a function every night of the week, but at least I get to be around people. Thank God for Facebook and texting or else I’d have been lost.

I can tell I am starting to feel better because I’m getting a little angry about having been sick. I want to get out. I want to do something. I want to go be wild and crazy. However, I’m still not up to par, so…..Home it is. Fantastic.

I’m honestly about to have a little pity party, complete with tea (not the kind from Long Island either… The kind of the green variety). Maybe I’ll splurge and have some fat-free hot chocolate. Woooohoooo…It’s a party over here.

All of this sitting has given me far too much time to think. Now I’m feeling quite unhappy, borderline depressed. I seriously need to feel better fast. I need a workout to make the endorphins surge through my body. I need some social interaction, in person.

The last few days, spent in sweats, doing shots of Theraflu cough syrup, surrounded by dirty tea cups, empty bottles of water, and dirty tissues… Has left me feeling less than glamorous. I want glamour. I need glamour. I want a fun, glamorous life. Can I please be ten years younger (but still in this body, not the body I had ten years ago…or a better one!) and do it all again? I want to go live in the the city, with roommates, working in a store or waitressing or something… I want to live the “cool” life for a while before I grow-up.

Newsflash. I am a grown-up. I’m quickly approaching 31. I’m supposed to be responsible. People look at me like they can’t quite figure me out because I’m unmarried, and have no children. That’s because of where I live. It’s not fun here. This is not the place for me, yet here I am….

With that, I’m off to look at indeed or CB or something. Maybe there’s a job waiting for me…In the city, where I can breathe.


Wednesday, November 9, 2011

A Full Heart.

Tonight I found a contest on the Bobbi Brown website (see previous posted). It’s  for her Pretty Powerful campaign. Unfortunately the contest opened on August 1st and ends on the 18th of this month. The person in the lead for my state has over 3000 votes. At this point I’m not sure that I would get quite that many, and the first place person is chosen based on the number of votes.
However, although a win would be amazing, that’s not my primary motivation for entering this contest. I thought it would be a great way to get my story out there a little more. Honestly winning would have been HUGE for sharing my story, but I think that this might help too.

Why do I want to share my story?

I want to serve as inspiration for someone else. I want them to realize that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I want them to know that they have the strength inside them to accomplish their goals. It’s hard to find sometimes. There are days that I still struggle to gather motivation for a workout, or I fight urges to eat junk food (still can’t keep it around, or I eat it).

My story is specifically about weight loss and getting healthy. I think that the idea of being able to change yourself can be applied to many situations. I think that I could tell my story in a way that could inspire and motivate people with other issues.

I want people to know they’re not alone. You’re not the only fat person. You’re not the only out of shape person. You’re not the only one who knows they should choose the healthy dinner but the temptation of a steaming, gooey pizza is too strong to resist.

I want people to know that there is at least one other person in the world who has been there. There is at least one other person cheering them on; encouraging them; wanting to fight their fight with them.

I want to use my new found love for health and fitness in a way that I can mix it with my career as a social worker. I eventually hope to open a private practice where I can not only help with mental health issues but also with physical health. This will require some more training on my part… I want to get my personal training certification. I also want to take some nutrition courses. I want to do these things to further my own knowledge and to benefit me in the future. This comes from the desire within me to share this amazing feeling with others.

Why is my heart so full?

I only signed up for the contest a few hours ago and already my facebook page and my sparkpage have been commented on by friends and family… They’ve voted. They’ve shared my link. They’ve said some wonderful things about me… The things that I don’t think about myself on a daily basis. Their kind words are such an awesome reminder of where I’ve been and where I will continue to go.

It was so touching to see what people have to say about me. Honestly I got a little teary reading some of what was said.

My family: You are amazing. I cannot imagine, nor do I want to, what my life may have been like had I not been placed for adoption. I feel like one of the luckiest people in the world…

My friends: You are nothing less than amazing. Whether we’re super close friends, we used to be close friends and drifted, we were once roommates, we worked together for a while, we work together now, or we are new friends… The little things you say really do mean so much.

It isn’t just tonight or the comments about this contest; sharing the link….It’s been a constant factor throughout this journey.

All of the encouragement along the way has been such a huge factor in keeping me motivated. There are times I haven’t wanted to workout but I’ve read comments and that was enough to make me do it.

As I sit here tonight, my heart really is full… Full of happiness that my family and friends have brought into my life.

I know this was kind of a corny blog post, buuuuut…. :)


A Quick Post...

I just entered a contest that I think will allow me to share my story and inspire others like I would love to do!!


If you have a few free seconds, please vote for me! I just heard about this contest (started in August) and decided to sign up. I think that it’s a great way to share my weight loss journey with others. I want to do that to help inspire someone else. I want to show them that what they might think is impossible can be done. Of course winning a prize would be awesome, but my motivation for this is to share my story… Winning this contest and becoming a Pretty Powerful face would be a great way to do that.

*For some reason the entire link did not get underlined so if you click on it, it’s not correct…You’ll have to copy and paste (sorry)!

Monday, November 7, 2011

Training Pants.

No, this blog is not about wearing training pants… Are those even made anymore now that they have pull-ups and all those fun things on the market?

That? Totally off-topic. Oh well. It happens…Often.

I’ve been thinking about how I think it’d be pretty cool to get my personal training certificate. This would be especially helpful with what I want to do down the road with my career. I want to mix physical health and mental health, and I think that by actually being able to work as a professional in both areas, would be very beneficial to me.

I’ve not looked into the training courses yet for a few reasons…

1. I don’t think I’m ready yet… I guess I have an image of a trainer in mind and it’s not this body. Then I think about how I have all of this skin and underneath it, there is muscle. I can see definition in some areas now, and even more when I pull my skin in different directions. I’m like a side show freak, I tell ya… The Great Skindini… No?

Jokes…I’ve got jokes.

2. I don’t think I’m ready yet… Am I strong enough? Am I “good” enough? Have I reached a level of physical fitness that would allow me to succeed in a course? I’m not one to start something unless I know I can be successful. I don’t want to start some program and have it not work.  I’m a little afraid of failure. I have a lot of successes under my belt, and failures too…Just not failures in this area.

 Of course, knowing me, I push and push until I get where I need to be. I fight for what I want. I’m certain that I’d push myself to any limit necessary in order to achieve success.

Chasing your dreams can be a little scary sometimes. But I know that this is what I want to do. I want to help people begin and continue their journey to health. I want to work with those who have body image and eating issues. I want to serve as an inspiration. I want to be a motivator. If necessary, I want people to hate me when I’m getting at them to push harder, and to love me when it’s over.

I’m still formulating my plan of attack. I know the direction I want to take, what I want to do, and where I want to go. Right now it’s just a matter of getting little things (okay and some rather large things) taken care of first. In life we have to take steps. Sometimes it takes a while, and we have to take steps more cautiously than we’d like. Sometimes we have to take smaller steps…Baby steps. Other times we can take giant steps that are a leap….And we risk not falling. But if we fall we can get back up. Maybe we need to take a step or two back in order to go forward. Whatever has to happen, we all have the ability to take the steps toward what we want in life.


Saturday, November 5, 2011

Good News, Bad News... But Mostly Good News.

I have to say how much I completely love my family on Spark ( I share things on there that sometimes I do not feel comfortable sharing with anyone else. These people are strangers but they’re friends too. I have found such an awesome support system on there.

That being said… I recently posted a blog on there and received some of the best comments from my friends.

Three things that I, apparently, am, and didn’t realize…

Thin. Super Small. Super Skinny.

I keep my “spark page” private because I don’t like the fact that anyone in the world could stumble across it and see my posts. I post a lot of personal stuff on there (more than in these blog posts) and although they are “strangers” I feel comfortable there.

The blog that received these comments was not one that I would expect to have that response. This blog was mostly a picture blog. It contained pictures of me… In a bikini (my goal bikini).

I’ve struggled with this “is it skin or not?” question for a while now. I THINK I have all of this skin, but don’t want to assume that. People who’ve seen it have said that it is. Those people are close to me and love me. Sometimes we say things that aren’t the whole truth because we want to be encouraging and supportive. It’s been driving me crazy not knowing for sure so I decided to post it. I busted out the bikini and took some pics…Every view possible. I initially took these to put on a site where cosmetic surgeons give their input on various topics, but still haven’t done that. My spark friends gave me enough help, I think.
The consensus was that it is, in fact, skin. My theory that if you can pull it away from your body and lift it up and move it, it’s skin. Fat doesn’t move like that. You cannot lift and pull your fat rolls all over the place. I remember having very large fat rolls and they didn’t do that. They were filled out and smooth. They were soild and I couldn’t move them like this.

One friend on there is married to a surgeon. An expert!! She did me a favor and showed my pictures to her husband. He confirmed what everyone else has said.

It. Is. Skin.

This is both good and bad.

First the bad… Because it is skin, it’s not going anywhere. Some may retain it’s elasticity, but looking at it, I think there is less than there was before soooo that’s already happened or is happening. Basically, there is no way that the amount of skin that is there will just kindly shrink up and seemingly disappear. Not happening.

The good… IT IS SKIN!! It’s not fat. If I had it removed, I’d be lower than my original goal, and lower than my current goal. This means that I’ve accomplished more than I see…More than anyone can see. This means that I’d probably be in jeans two sizes smaller (total guess, but in looking at the inches I can pull out, it’s a safe guess). Judging from the muscle definition that I can see… I’d have a pretty dang nice body. I’d have proof of all of the hard work that I put in. I know that having lost all those pounds is proof in itself, but this is a different kind of proof. You could finally see my ab definition. My tummy would be… Flat. I’d be in a body I’ve never been in before.

I want to be able to see the effects of my work. I want to be able to look in the mirror and think “dang, I’m rockin’ it.” I want the muscle definition to stick out more than the skin. I want to look healthy. Oh yeah and the vanity in me is screaming about how my hotness needs to be seen (lol). I want to look amazing in a bikini.

I have decided that I’m going to have surgery. I’m going to have cosmetic surgery to remove the skin. I’ve worked too hard to just be “okay” with how I look. I want to love how I look (more than just my face, which I’m totally in love with). I think that it’d be a great reward for what I’ve accomplished. I have transformed my body from unhealthy and disgusting to healthy and…almost amazing.

I think that the pain and the scars will be worth it… They’ll remind me of what I’ve done. I’ll never forget who I was and it won’t change who I am inside. Well…Not completely. I do suspect that I’ll have a little more confidence and I’ll be happy. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy with what I’ve done for myself  (and proud too)… But I want to see it. I want to have a body I’ve never had.

The other good that has come out of this is that I’ve learned to accept myself with the skin more than I had before. I have learned to accept the slowing of the scale. Why? Because if I drop that many more pounds and then have surgery, I’ll be too thin…. Or at least thinner than I’d like.

I do not want to be a skeletor. I want to be thin and fit. I want to maintain some healthy curves. I don’t want to be just another skinny girl. I want to be even more inspirational.

I will not be giving up my fitness plan. I will not be giving up on my healthy eating. This is my lifestyle now…. It’s not going anywhere.

I will… Stop beating myself up when the scale doesn’t move. I will stop feeling like a failure. I will stop being so obsessed with the scale. I will continue to strive for weight loss, but I’m not going to be so fixated on it
that I put too much pressure on myself.

I’m so glad that I posted that blog on spark. I’m so glad that my awesome friends gave me such great feedback. I feel like that was a really freeing experience for me. I’m more comfortable with myself than I had been.

After discovering this I seem to be pushing even harder during my workouts. I make sure my muscles are engaged and I’m working them as hard as I can. When I do have surgery and I heal… I want those muscles to be ready…As ready as they can be (I have to recover which means I have to go without working out —- how will I survive?).

I’m feeling good. I’m feeling strong. I’m feeling the self- love — MUCHO.


Body Math.

I may have lost my mind today. At least some would probably think so.

I did body math.


I weighed some of my skin. I’m pretty sure that if you can pull it away from your body and flop it on a scale, it’s gotta be skin.

I’m sure that by now some of you think I have some weird skin obsession. If that’s your opinion, well then okay.

That’s not what it is. It’s that I just want to know for sure if it’s skin…. From more than just my friends and family. It’s like I need the confirmation from a professional. When you have come as far as I have,you just want to know. I guess I’m just afraid it’s fat… Even if all the lifting and pulling makes me 99% sure that is.
Anyway… I weighed some of the skin tonight. I busted put my good scale and a Sharpie (pink of course…as if that’s relevant). No worries…. I only weighed part my abdomen and arms. And I sanitized my food scale when I was done. I’m the only one who uses it. I shower twice a day… I’m not gross. But I STILL sanitized it. I’m quirky like that.

I weighed sections that marked with the Sharpie. I looked like a surgery patient when I was done.
My results? Almost 5 lbs in my abdomen; what I was able to weigh anyway. I am sure I didn’t get all of it.
(FYI: it is not easy to try to flop sections of skin onto a food scale.)

There was a little over half a pound from each arm….9-10 ounces each. Weighing the arms is not is not an easy task. I’m pretty sure I didn’t get all too accurate of a reading. I was trying to be cautious so I didn’t get too much of my arm on the scale.

That’s about 6 pounds from just my abdomen and arms. It may not sound like a lot but if you could see it, you might think differently.

I’m pretty sure that if I were to include my thighs and booty, there would be at least another 5 pounds. It’s rough down there. There might be more like 10 more pounds of skin between those two areas.

Think I’m strange. Think I’m weird. Think i’m obsessive. Think what you want.

This has given me an odd sense of calm. It’s a comfort to know that, at my estimate, I could have about 15 pounds of skin hanging on my body. According to the numbers, I’d be lower than my original final goal. I’d be 5 pounds from my new final goal. It’s comforting to know that.


Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Back to the Basics...Partly.

I’ve stalled in my weight loss efforts. I lose a few pounds, gain two back, lose five, gain three, lose those three, and so on… This is called a plateau. This means my weight is stable.

I do not want stable. I want a decrease.

I think that part of my “problem” is that my body is becoming more lean. While I haven’t lost pounds, I’ve lost inches…Not a lot but a little here and there. Compared to when I last measured…I’ve lost another inch from my waist. I can’t recall when I last had a 20-something inch waist. Never? My bust has lost another inch. I’m starting to wonder how this is even possible. My thighs, calves, and hips have lost a little but not much - maybe not even an inch combined. My calves are as powerful and solid as ever. The numbers haven’t gone down significantly, but for where I am in my loss, I’d say that’s pretty good! People continue to comment that I keep losing. This proves to me that even though I may not see it - on the scale, in the mirror, in my clothing size… It’s there. It might be a little bit, but that’s more than nothing. And that’s certainly better than going the other direction. My body composition is changing.

Oh….These measurements were done at the end of the day. I’ve taken in food and water. I’ve worked my muscles. There’s a possibility that my measurements are a little higher right now than they would be in the morning (my “true” measurements). This is also true of weight. I can “gain” 4-7 pounds over the course of the day. It’s gone by morning.

These measurements are with my skin… There’s nothing I can do about that. BUT! I am buring fat. I am building muscle. I FEEL it in my body… I feel the pains. I feel stronger. I feel like I beast some days. Today was one of those days. I burned more calories than I have doing a piece of my workout. I threw my power into it though, and I pushed hard. I felt so good after.

I didn’t do this workout, or anything I’d consider a workout for a few days (but did a lot more walking than usual, so I wasn’t sedentary). Sometimes your body needs that.

Just when something seems to be getting easy… Take a short rest from it (a couple days). You might see a difference. Also, make it harder. You can ALWAYS do something to make it harder. Add weight. Add more weight. Do the most challenging position for that move…. Figure out how to make it harder. Harder means that you’ll work more. You’ll get more benefits if you put your all into it.

Push until you want to cry. Push until you’re shaking. Push until the sweat stings your eyes. Push until you think you just might vomit. Push, push, push!!

Due to my stalled loss I am revamping my plan a little. Even though I’m sure I’m gaining muscle and losing fat… There’s more fat to be lost. There are more pounds and inches to go.
I’m going back to the basics. I’m going to go at this with the same gusto I did when I started. That means taking some of the things I’ve reintroduced into my diet back out.

I didn’t eat out very much at first…. MAYBE once a month. Lately? I’ve been going out once every two weeks, or so. Sometimes, depending on what’s going on, more than that. This cannot be. Noooo sir. I am going back to not eating out. This might mean decreasing my socialization again/more but I have to. If I want to reach my goal, I have to do what works.

Restaurants, I bid you a fond farewell…See you sometime later, but not anytime soon. I know we’ll have to meet at some point, but don’t plan on seeing me in the next couple weeks.

Junk food… I’ve been a bit of a junkie lately with Halloween. I have leftover candy. I need to get rid of it. I have proven to myself time and time again that this stuff just cannot be in the house.

The best part? I’ve never been a “sweet eater.” I’m much more prone to go for something salty. Apparently when salty is unavailable but sweet is at my fingertips, sweet sounds like a good idea. Sweet is not a good idea….Not when it comes to food.

Sugar…We need to part ways again. I’ll meet you again, but lately you’re hanging around too much. This means that I will not bake for my loved ones quite as much. And if I do… It ALL needs to GO. It needs to go to a place different from where I am. If it’s there, I’ll eat it. Even if it’s not my favorite. Even if it’s too sweet for me. Even if…. I’ll eat it. I can’t have it around.

Pasta… I broke up with you a while ago. We had a close relationship. You were too white for me though. We had to end it. I’ve discovered your whole grain counter part…. Lately I’ve eaten pasta again. Whole grain or not, you’re not good for me. I may indulge in white pasta on occasion….Like the rare times I’m at a restaurant. This will only be if whole grain isn’t something that the restaurant carries. I have noticed that more places offer whole grain pastas now (thank you!). Anyway… whole grain pasta, even once a week or once every two weeks is too much for me.

As far as flour products; I am not eating much bread… When I do it’s 100% whole wheat or whole grain. It’s not often that I buy it because if I buy a loaf, it goes bad. I’ve discovered Aunt Millie’s Slimwiches…. Perfect. They come in whole grain and are small. I can have one every few days, if I decide to.

Fruits and veggies will continue to be my “BFFs.”  I really need to establish a better relationship with my veggies again. I enjoy fruit so that’s not a problem. More veggies are a major need.

I’m already crafting menus and a shopping list for this weekend, which I haven’t done in a while. This is also a definite need for me.

I’m always good about water. I don’t eat fast food. I track what I eat, drink, and I track my exercise. I watch it. I have good habits. However, some stuff needs to be taken out again… And I’ll slowly introduce it again later. Sloooooowly.

I’m not ready for my weight to be stable yet. Hopefully by going back to the basics (of when I first started this journey), a pattern of loss will be stimulated. I’ll allow the occasional treat. I’ll put things back into my diet when I’m ready… When I’m where I want to be. When I decide that stability is my goal.
I’m so close to my goal….I want it SO badly. I need to push to get there; just like I push through my workouts.

Goal weight, I’m coming for you.  Goal size, I’m coming for you too.


Where Do I Go From Here....?

I’m pretty sure that most of us think about the future… In some way or another. Some think about the dreams, money, career, homes, families….Lots of things, really. I think that it’s both good and important to think about the future. We need to be able to establish goals and plans for our lives. Without them, where would we end up? On the fast track to nowhere… Doing nothing, never bettering ourselves (in whatever way that may be)…Just staying where we are, like stagnant water.
I’ve always had a plan for the future. When I was younger my plan looked like this…. Go to college, graduate in 4 years/at age 22. While in college I was going to meet the man of my dreams, fall in love, and become engaged by or shortly after our graduation (because, naturally, we would be the same age so that we could be on the same timeline). After this would come our careers and wedding planning. We’d be married by 24. Our first child would come by 26 or 27. The second, surely before we turned 30. Life would be great. Naturally he would have a good career that would enable me to work only part time if I wanted, so that I could be one of those stay-at-home, super active with the kids type of moms.

That was the plan at around age 18. Suburban life with a white picket fence.

 That plan soooo did not happen. I spent my 20s in and out of relationships; short, long, good that fell apart, okay that filled the time and made me feel less lonely, and bad. I was engaged at 18. It just wasn’t the right relationship so it didn’t work. I’m sure we were both at fault in different ways. Basically we were young and probably were not ready to make such a huge, life altering decision. I bought a dress with a wedding date in mind, but it didn’t get that far. I think that’s good; we’re lucky. We saved ourselves the pain of divorce, possibly with children. Or maybe we saved ourselves from being in an unhappy relationship forever.
Whatever, the reasons, what happened was for the best - for both of us.

As for college, I graduated at 23, a year later than my planned 22. I wasn’t engaged to the love of my life. No wedding plans were being made following graduation. I landed a good job in a town not far from home (and an even smaller town than home). This wasn’t what I wanted, but it’s what I took. I needed a job and I honestly wasn’t sure were I was going. What an awkward time… And it was all so fast after graduation. In the spring I was a college girl, going out at least a few nights a week, having fun with my friends.By the end of the summer I was a homeowner…With bills…A real grown-up. But part of me still felt like a college kid. In one way it was an easy transition; I just went with the flow of how things happened. On the other hand, it was a hard transition. I ended up in this place that I wasn’t sure about. But? What do you do? You graduate and get a job. That’s just how it is.

I’m 30, quickly closing in on 31 and… I am not married. I have no children. I own a home, and have a masters degree.

The masters wasn’t in the plan either. But after being out of undergrad for a year I decided I needed to get it.  I graduated in 2009 and here I am, still in a bachelors position with nothing masters-related in my current view. Licensing has made it very difficult on some of us. I’ve encountered some difficulties of my own along the way and it’s been very frustrating. It’s even more difficult when looking for a job out of state…The license I have in this state doesn’t even exist where I’m looking. Basically I’ll be stuck in a bachelors job for two years, while i get the proper supervision, then I can actually take the test, get my license, and maybe use my masters degree. What I ultimately want to do is open a private practice. I really need to get some networking and experience in another area first… I need to learn the agencies that are around there so I know where to refer people. If I have to take a bachelors position to achieve this; fine. I’ll do it. However, I cannot seem to find a job…. I’ve applied for lots. I’ve been contacted for several, but the licensing thing is messing me up. I find it quite annoying that people like me, who have put the time into school and internships and jobs have to do this stupid supervision thing. But when they changed the laws, anyone who had been licensed for a certain amount of time (with NO requirements; may have gotten their license from a cereal box) were automatically grandfathered in. I get that these people had the work experience, but there are some things that not even the best trained monkey can learn without the appropriate guidance and education.

Just sayin’…

Anyway, so my life plan? Not at all where I thought I’d be. In fact, that plan is nothing but a piece of history in my mind.

Honestly I’m SOOO glad about that. Are there things I’d do differently if I could? Of course.
Now I have a new plan… Sometimes I wonder if I’m too old to work toward part of this plan. Not because

I think I am, but because in some ways by some standards, I might be.
My new plan is all over the place. There are things I want to do that include my chosen career path. There are things I want to do that are completely different, and are most likely what would be called “a long shot.”
I know that I want to continue to work toward professional success. That’s a given. I can’t not work toward goals and something more. It’s just in my nature. I get bored easily. I need to be challenged. I need to feel a sense of accomplishment.

I want to get married. I want to spend the rest of my life with the guy I’m meant to be with. The love stuff… That’s a given. I know what I want, what I deserve, and never would I consider settling for less.
Sometimes I want to have a big Cinderella-type affair, complete with two dresses, and over-the-top everything. Other days I’ll take a mild version of that… Reality kicks in and I realize that have a celebrity, princess type wedding is completely insane. Then there are days where it all sounds like more work than I’d like to even consider, so I think Vegas would be a perfectly fine option. In reality I’ll do something standard, probably with the assistance of a wedding planner (one who can handle me…lol…does such a person exist!?).

Other than the previously mentioned love stuff… Two things that will happen no matter what? There will be two dresses and I will be skinny. I will not get married until I am, at most, a size eight. Don’t ask me what it is about it, but that’s what I’ve set as a goal and that’s what I’ll be. That dress (or those dresses!) will have one number on the tag. And that’s it. Some would say I’m already at that goal, but wedding dresses run small or weird or something. The sizing is just all messed up. I might be a six in a regular dress, but an eight in a wedding dress. Right now I’m an 8/10, medium in regular dresses. I’d probably have to get a 12 in a wedding dress though! Good thing I’m not trying on or purchasing wedding dresses anytime soon!!!
I’m going back and forth on children… Good thing I don’t have to worry about that at this very moment. Some days I want them… Like in my old plan, I still want the nice house, the adorable kids, the ability to stay home with them (probably part-time because full-time would drive me crazy). Then there’s this other part of me that isn’t so sure. First, I do not want to feel held back or like I’m missing out on something I want to do. I want to be able to travel and have fun. I also really don’t want to go through the hell that pregnancy puts a body through. I do not want to gain a ton of weight. In fact, I want to have cosmetic surgery to remove skin…. Can I do that and then get pregnant? What’s all that stretching going to do to me? Will it make the surgery worth nothing when that happens? I don’t want to put myself through surgery and spend that kind of money if getting pregnant is just going to mess it all up. I’m far too obsessed with my weight and losing weight to be a responsible pregnant person. I’m too fearful of gaining weight. I do not want to get fat(ter) again. I’m totally certain I’ll reach my goal weight before pregnancy is even a consideration, but…. After all my hard work to reach my goal, do I want to knowingly do something that’s gonna mess it up?

Yes, I’m selfish. My indecisiveness about having a child is because I’m selfish. I’m working hard to get the body I want. I don’t want to mess it up. I’ve finally learned how to really live my life and not let anyone or anything hold me back.

Does it make me a horrible person that I’m so concerned with my weight and appearance that I’d not have a child because of it? Seriously…. I think I sound like a bit of a beast right now. A selfish beast.
So then I worry… Am I too selfish to be a parent? Which then makes me think that maybe it’s better to not be one. Sometimes this makes me angry… Is this a genetic feeling? Did I get this from my biological parents? They were 40 when I was born… 40 years-old and they didn’t have their lives together enough to care for a baby properly? GEEZ! I’m not unhappy or angry that they gave me up. In fact, it’s just the opposite. I’m so incredibly thankful that they did. What I’m angry about is not knowing if this irresponsibility that they have is something that can be genetic? I know I don’t want to be like that. Am I going to have to spend my entire life fighting it? How much is nature versus nurture? Is the way that my parents raised me enough? Sometimes I wonder.

Anyway, as far as babies… One day I’m like ”I don’t think so” and then the next I’m totally fine the next day and think, “yes, I want it all…At any cost.” If I gain weight, I can fight like hell to lose it again. I’ve done it once. Obviously I have the strength and drive to do it…. And I won’t have as far to go when that does happen.

Luckily, for me, having a baby is at least a few years down the road yet. Maybe (or hopefully?) by (meaning before) 35. I guess maybe my conflicting thoughts on that topic are because… Right now? I’m not ready (obviously); I don’t want that at this very moment. You all have fun having your children; I’ll be a happy observer for now!! I’m sure that when the time is right, I won’t feel conflicted. I know I’ll want to have a baby. I’ve wanted nothing more than to be a mother my entire life. I can’t imagine that losing weight has changed me so much inside that I’d sacrifice that for my appearance…. I really don’t think that’s me.
As I sit here I can’t help but think… Does this blog make me sound totally selfish? What kind of a person won’t get married or have children until they reach a certain size? Is that normal? Or am I some sort of a monster?

Please tell me that’s normal…There’s a part of me that wishes I could go back… That I could go back and have never gained weight. That I’d be average. That I didn’t spend the majority of my 20s stuck in a body that I hated…Insecure, afraid, and keeping the real me inside; hidden from those who may reject me. Only my family and close friends could see the real me. Sometimes I didn’t even fully open up to them. What if I had spent my 20s as an average size person? Maybe I’d have had the confidence to do the things I wanted to, but was too afraid to. Maybe I’d have the strength and courage that I was lacking then but have now. Sometimes I don’t feel like I’m ready to be a grown-up, but I AM a grown-up. I can’t go back. No one can. Now I have to figure out a way to make my two plans merge together and become one greater plan. I guess I have some thinking (and work!) to do.