Monday, November 28, 2011

Dream a Little....Nightmare?

This blog is, in general, about health, fitness, and all things associated with either. This post is not. Not directly anyway. I'm sure, in some way, it could be linked to my subconscious, life stress, or something else that relates to wellness. Let's be honest though, I don't really want to try to figure it out. The connection isn't that important.

I don't really want to maintain two blogs so, I guess, every now and then I will post random topics here.

Last night I had an odd dream. It was about a wedding. My wedding. I'm not married. I'm not engaged. I'm not planning or assisting in the planning of a wedding. This wedding has no direct impact to my life at the moment. Perhaps my subconscious is trying to tell me something?

I never got to the wedding part of the dream. It was everything leading up to it that I dreamt of. It was...A disaster. This dream was more like a nightmare. Quite honestly it's the opposite of what I would consider my dream wedding.

First of all, I was wearing a black wedding gown. It looked more like a bridesmaid or prom dress. It was that typical satiny fabric, strapless, a-line, with an ugly little rhinestone square on a satiny black ribbon around the waist, like a belt. I would NEVER get married in something like that. First...Black? Never. That ugly little rhinestone and ribbon belt? EWWW.

The person in the dress, while me, didn't look like me. I was chunky...Not fat like I was but there was more to me than there is now. My chest was bigger, but so were my tummy and hips. I had brown hair. Messy brown hair. It was like I had it done but it was falling out of the style. I remember screaming something about that's what I get for not going to get my hair done at a salon.

There was also an issue about shoes. I was freaking out about the black dress and suddenly became obsessed with having to have white shoes because I needed SOMETHING white. I was in Walmart with my Mom, trying to find shoes. I was looking at the kind that don't even come in a box! They were on those plastic hangers like slippers often come on. This would also never happen. I'll admit I'm a clothing snob... Shoes from Walmart? Not for me. It was also interesting that one of my old assistant managers (from when I worked there) was working, and I was trying to hide from him because I was so embarrassed.

The site of the wedding was at someone's home. I remember one of my cousins was supposed to be helping to set things up but we couldn't find him. Then I saw these posters, done by kids of my cousins (who are currently one and almost two). The cousins in the dream were cousins that I don't see much anymore, but I was close with them in the past. The posters were large white pieces of paper with a message welcoming out of town guests to the wedding. The kids had drawn on them in crayon. For some reason this pushed me over the edge. I was not having welcome posters at my wedding, and certainly not posters done in crayon by toddlers. I went all Bridezilla and said enough was enough, I was not doing it. Everything was falling apart and turning out to be a bit too white trash for my taste. This was not good enough for me, the girl who dreams of a princess style wedding.

I was crying, I was screaming, and I wanted to run away. In fact in my dream I may have run away. I can't remember if I was screaming that I wasn't going to get married this way to someone specific or if I was just screaming it to no one in particular. That's when either the dream ended or I woke. At the end of the dream I knew I wasn't going through with that wedding, but I have no idea if I told anyone or if I just bolted.

Other than the black dress and the white shoes, the dream was in color.

I remember feeling as though it was rushed and I'm not sure why. A shot-gun wedding? No thank you. I felt as though I had no control. I felt as though I was being forced into a marriage. I felt like a girl who was entering into an arranged marriage when everything inside of her didn't want to.

I do not remember who I was marrying. At one point though I thought maybe it was supposed to be an ex. I'm not sure though. The dream wasn't really about the groom. It was all about me ending up in a situation that I hated. It wasn't about the idea of the wedding itself, but of all of the things leading up to it that were going wrong and that were not how I wanted them.

Interesting. Maybe this is not related to anything. Maybe it's showing me something.

I could pick it apart, research it all, and see what conclusion I can come up with....But there are many directions to take. Dream interpretation online is very basic. It might focus on the colors, the feelings, or something else. A lot of the ideas in the dream can mean different things. It would take a bit of time and some reflection to try to piece it together. The things that stand out (the most) to me are: the fact that I was wearing a black dress, family members I haven't seen in a while, my hair style falling and looking horrible, the search for the shoes, and the general feeling of having no control and that everything was going wrong. Why those particular things were important, I'm not sure.

My general feeling about the dream is that it showed me how important my independence is to me. It's something I value. The feeling of being forced into a situation that I didn't want was not easy for independent me. In fact it caused me a lot of anxiety and was seriously upsetting. In the end, I didn't go through with what I didn't want. That's very similar to how I am in life. I do think that the embarrassment of the situation was interesting... Maybe that's my snobby side coming out. I'm not comfortable with things that aren't how I want them. I don't want to settle for less than I feel I deserve. I am very competitive and I like to show off. I want the best of the best and anything less (or horrendous like in the dream) would be very upsetting to me.

I like to think about my dreams and what they might mean, if anything. Maybe it was nothing. Any dream experts out there that want to shed some light on this? I'm interested in hearing different ideas and opinions. Studying this kind of thing is very interesting to me.


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