Saturday, November 5, 2011

Good News, Bad News... But Mostly Good News.

I have to say how much I completely love my family on Spark (http://www.sparkpeople.com/). I share things on there that sometimes I do not feel comfortable sharing with anyone else. These people are strangers but they’re friends too. I have found such an awesome support system on there.

That being said… I recently posted a blog on there and received some of the best comments from my friends.

Three things that I, apparently, am, and didn’t realize…

Thin. Super Small. Super Skinny.

I keep my “spark page” private because I don’t like the fact that anyone in the world could stumble across it and see my posts. I post a lot of personal stuff on there (more than in these blog posts) and although they are “strangers” I feel comfortable there.

The blog that received these comments was not one that I would expect to have that response. This blog was mostly a picture blog. It contained pictures of me… In a bikini (my goal bikini).

I’ve struggled with this “is it skin or not?” question for a while now. I THINK I have all of this skin, but don’t want to assume that. People who’ve seen it have said that it is. Those people are close to me and love me. Sometimes we say things that aren’t the whole truth because we want to be encouraging and supportive. It’s been driving me crazy not knowing for sure so I decided to post it. I busted out the bikini and took some pics…Every view possible. I initially took these to put on a site where cosmetic surgeons give their input on various topics, but still haven’t done that. My spark friends gave me enough help, I think.
The consensus was that it is, in fact, skin. My theory that if you can pull it away from your body and lift it up and move it, it’s skin. Fat doesn’t move like that. You cannot lift and pull your fat rolls all over the place. I remember having very large fat rolls and they didn’t do that. They were filled out and smooth. They were soild and I couldn’t move them like this.

One friend on there is married to a surgeon. An expert!! She did me a favor and showed my pictures to her husband. He confirmed what everyone else has said.

It. Is. Skin.

This is both good and bad.

First the bad… Because it is skin, it’s not going anywhere. Some may retain it’s elasticity, but looking at it, I think there is less than there was before soooo that’s already happened or is happening. Basically, there is no way that the amount of skin that is there will just kindly shrink up and seemingly disappear. Not happening.

The good… IT IS SKIN!! It’s not fat. If I had it removed, I’d be lower than my original goal, and lower than my current goal. This means that I’ve accomplished more than I see…More than anyone can see. This means that I’d probably be in jeans two sizes smaller (total guess, but in looking at the inches I can pull out, it’s a safe guess). Judging from the muscle definition that I can see… I’d have a pretty dang nice body. I’d have proof of all of the hard work that I put in. I know that having lost all those pounds is proof in itself, but this is a different kind of proof. You could finally see my ab definition. My tummy would be… Flat. I’d be in a body I’ve never been in before.

I want to be able to see the effects of my work. I want to be able to look in the mirror and think “dang, I’m rockin’ it.” I want the muscle definition to stick out more than the skin. I want to look healthy. Oh yeah and the vanity in me is screaming about how my hotness needs to be seen (lol). I want to look amazing in a bikini.

I have decided that I’m going to have surgery. I’m going to have cosmetic surgery to remove the skin. I’ve worked too hard to just be “okay” with how I look. I want to love how I look (more than just my face, which I’m totally in love with). I think that it’d be a great reward for what I’ve accomplished. I have transformed my body from unhealthy and disgusting to healthy and…almost amazing.

I think that the pain and the scars will be worth it… They’ll remind me of what I’ve done. I’ll never forget who I was and it won’t change who I am inside. Well…Not completely. I do suspect that I’ll have a little more confidence and I’ll be happy. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy with what I’ve done for myself  (and proud too)… But I want to see it. I want to have a body I’ve never had.

The other good that has come out of this is that I’ve learned to accept myself with the skin more than I had before. I have learned to accept the slowing of the scale. Why? Because if I drop that many more pounds and then have surgery, I’ll be too thin…. Or at least thinner than I’d like.

I do not want to be a skeletor. I want to be thin and fit. I want to maintain some healthy curves. I don’t want to be just another skinny girl. I want to be even more inspirational.

I will not be giving up my fitness plan. I will not be giving up on my healthy eating. This is my lifestyle now…. It’s not going anywhere.

I will… Stop beating myself up when the scale doesn’t move. I will stop feeling like a failure. I will stop being so obsessed with the scale. I will continue to strive for weight loss, but I’m not going to be so fixated on it
that I put too much pressure on myself.

I’m so glad that I posted that blog on spark. I’m so glad that my awesome friends gave me such great feedback. I feel like that was a really freeing experience for me. I’m more comfortable with myself than I had been.

After discovering this I seem to be pushing even harder during my workouts. I make sure my muscles are engaged and I’m working them as hard as I can. When I do have surgery and I heal… I want those muscles to be ready…As ready as they can be (I have to recover which means I have to go without working out —- how will I survive?).

I’m feeling good. I’m feeling strong. I’m feeling the self- love — MUCHO.

XOXO

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