Friday, December 23, 2011

I Need a Strong Dose of Reality

I think I need to read the Meg Cabot series that begins with the book "Size 12 Is Not Fat." These books are mysteries but do throw in the struggles of being "average" in the US. I like the idea of the combo of the mystery and weight issue.

I never would read these before. Why? Because I was much larger than a 12, and then a 14 (second book). I didn't have any interest in reading that those sizes weren't "fat." In my eyes, they weren't. They were average according to stat that the average size woman in the US is a 12. At that time, they were sizes I'd have loved to have been able to wear. Either of those sizes would have made me feel normal.

As I sit here writing this, I feel fat. I feel like my thighs are giant. I feel the guilt of not working out yesterday because I was busy doing some Christmas preparations. I was on my feet almost non-stop from the time I got home to the time I went to bed. I wasn't just sitting doing nothing, but still....I feel lazy because I didn't workout.

Feeling lazy and fat, part of me wants to slap myself. First, because I have put on a few pounds from my lowest weight. Fluctuations up thanks to hormones contributed to that. So has being busy with various things. It's much easier to stay in my comfort zone for eating when I'm not as busy. That being said, when I'm not home my eating is not as good as it usually is. My lowest weight was about three months ago, right before a photoshoot. I was hitting the exercise hard and my eating was meticulous. I may have gone too hard at it...I don't know. Either that or I've been too out of control lately. Either way, I'm up a few pounds and feel like a balloon in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.

The truth is? I'm probably not as fat as I currently feel. People look at me and think I've lost weight, despite the fact that three months ago I weighed less. I'm also wearing smaller pants.

So, here I am, feeling like a massive, lazy cow, and I shouldn't. I should be happy with what I've accomplished and less freaked out about not being as small as I want to be. Instead of focusing on the positive I'm focusing on the negative. I beat myself up over missed workouts, less than perfect eating and other things far too often.

Today I have decided that I'm still really fat. I'm not wearing a size 12, or a size 14.

I'm wearing shirts that are mediums and my new favorite pants from Express, that are a size 10. I'm wearing a size 10/medium and I think I'm fat.

There is a person, somewhere in the world, who would like to get her hands around my neck and strangle me right now. There's a girl who thinks I'm a terrible person for thinking that and that a size 10 can't possibly be fat. There's another girl ready to hit me over the head with a blunt object. There's one who is crying, because she would give anything to be that "small."

When I feel like this, I try to remind myself of where I've been. I think of how big I once was. I'm thankful that I'm no longer that size; that weight; that degree of unhealthy. At the same time though, I still stress about not being "perfect."

FYI...Hormones really can mess with your mind as much as your body.

I've decided that those will be the next books that I read. Maybe reading about a fabulous average size character will help me to remember that the fact that I'm less than average (depending on the pants, quite honestly). Some of my clothes are smalls. I do still have some larges (mostly pants, because I'm between a 10 and 12 right now, which is why I'm now only purchasing Express pants because I wear a 10 in them). I mostly wear a medium....Dresses, skirts, most shirts...They're all mediums. I'm okay with this. I'm excited that I can wear 10s, comfortably. However, now I want EVERYTHING to be no larger than a medium or a 10. By the way, I did fit into (and buy!) a pair of size 8 jeans from Express....Admittedly, they had a little stretch to them.

I wonder what size will be small enough? When will I stop feeling like the fat girl? When will I finally be happy with how I look? When will accept my size and weight? Who knows.

I'm not sure I'll be happy with how I look anytime soon. It's the skin. It's causing me to not be able to fit in smaller clothes. I hate the fact that I can move the skin around, and that it is what is keeping me where I am size-wise (and probably weight-wise too, at least in part).

I am trying to be happy with being in my size 10 pants. I think that the extra pounds have me freaked out that I might go up again and not be able to fit into them. That would be nothing less horrible. I'd be super mad at myself then. I am glad to know that I have the self-control to NOT allow myself to gain more than a few pounds. I'm happy to be working out hard again...I see the numbers going back down very, very soon. A person can't work this hard and not see results. Dedication.

At this moment, I am reminding myself that a size 10 really is not fat. Neither is a medium. Which in turn means that I am not fat....?

That notion is a hard one for me to grasp.


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