Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Sleeping Beauty

Cutting down on my water intake has, most definitely, helped me to sleep better lately. I find that if I cap it at 18 eight ounce servings, I'm good for the night. I just have to be sure to be done drinking fairly early. I have managed to sleep all night for four nights in a row...Well, kinda. I was up once on Saturday night, but that was actually early Sunday morning. I wasn't up for the day but it was around the normal time I would get up.

I hope that this trend continues this week. However, I hope I don't feel as tired as I have the last two days.

Monday morning I expected to be tired. I didn't plan on getting up early to workout or anything because I had been busy and on the go all weekend. I didn't get home until around eight Sunday evening and went to bed later than usual.

I must have still been tired from last night because I was exhausted pretty early yesterday.  I got home from an appointment around six and didn't feel like doing much of anything! That includes making dinner. I believe I had a couple Special K 90 calorie bars and some Skinny Cow clusters. It was quite the dinner I had. Every now and then I have one of those nights. Luckily they don't happen often. I was fine in terms of calories and fat and such, but the carb content in two bars and a package of clusters was definitely higher than I like!

I was having a hard time just focusing on, well, anything.  I was in bed early....Around 10 and I'm pretty sure I fell asleep pretty quickly. I still felt tired when the alarm went off this morning. It was definitely not one of those days that I jumped up out of bed, ready to go. So? I stayed in bed for a while longer. I don't think I slept very well, as every time I fell asleep I had a dream that I was in a situation similar to what would be shown on the TV show Pretty Little Liars. I watch bits of it when it's on and the TV happens to be on that channel, so I guess something stuck with me. Odd. It felt good to at least lay in my warm bed for a while longer though.

So far today I am feeling refreshed. I felt good after I got up and got moving this morning and was fine all day at work. I made it through a tough workout this evening. I'm not sure it was actually all that difficult but after three days off, it sure felt like it!! PHEW! It had its rough moments, but I feel so good now that it's done. Accomplished, too.

I love weekends away. I love time with the people I love. I particularly enjoyed some bonding time with one tiny little princess. She's (finally!) being bottle-fed a little bit of the time and I was thrilled to get to sit and hold her while she had her bottle. I'd say that bonding like that is one of the best things ever! All fun and wonderful times aside,  it is nice to get back into a normal routine. 

One thing I need to do is be a little bit better about my weekends away. I tend to not eat frequently enough, but when I do it's something not so great for me. Like on Saturday.... I had a few little chicken bite things, two pieces of pizza (considered one serving), and some birthday cake. That was meal. I snacked a little on some unhealthy chips that I usually don't eat.  Oh and I had  coffee and a Special K bar earlier in the day. Sunday was one meal again... Mid-afternoon I had some soup, half a sandwich, and a few fries at a restaurant. I did snack on some Special K Cracker Chips later in the evening too though.  This? Is not healthy. I definitely need to plan better when I'm not home.

I'm weird about eating though... If no one else is, I don't like to. If  I'm the only one having breakfast, no matter how small, I feel weird. I feel like I shouldn't be eating. I feel like a pig. So I try to fight it off and have water, and sometimes coffee, instead.

I also don't like eating where people can see me, not too many people anyway. I can eat a a restaurant but like to be off to the side and in a booth so it's easier to hide.  Saturday was rough because I was at a Birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese's. I tried to not eat any pizza but, let's face it, I was feeling hungry and it was staring me in the face. I had planned ahead and it was only 300-something calories but still, I did not want to eat it in front of people. But I did. And cake too.

I think these eating behaviors are left from when I was fat. I guess part of me still feels like people are judging me based on my eating. Like, if no one else is eating, I feel like a pig. Or if people see me eat something unhealthy, like pizza, I feel bad. Don't ask me why...Maybe because I am such a strong advocate for healthy eating. I'm honest though, most of us have times when we eat something unhealthy.  For some reason though I feel like those moments should not be in large groups of people. It's like the fewer people who see, the better. I probably draw more attention to myself by not eating certain foods than I do eating them.

I guess sometimes it's easy to forget that I look "normal" and that it's okay to eat a couple small pieces of pizza sometimes; and a slice of cake too!

As wonderful as those times are, I'm happy to be back to the usual routine. It's more comfortable for me. This is probably why I try not to do social activities that revolve around food and drink, which is difficult since most of them do. I remember when I started this journey, my socialization went down greatly, and mostly for that reason. I just had no desire to go to events in which food and drink were a large part. I felt safe in my familiar setting. At first, I needed to avoid things because I was afraid I'd fall. I suppose that's a habit that I formed, because it remains true....A little. I do go to more events now, and have allowed myself foods that I avoided in the past. I really feel like I need to get back to that point though. I have had a hard time losing more weight lately.  My body fat is in the normal range, yet my weight is still high. I'm happy about the body fat, but the weight is obnoxious. Every weekend trip away or fun event is almost like taking two steps back. Not everyone is on my schedule....Not everyone works out (and I often don't have a place to do it). Not everyone eats the way I do. It's stressful and annoying sometimes. Whether it be sodium, not working (I missed the "k" in that and spell check listed several other words, with "whoring" being the first on the list, and "working" wasn't even on the list....SERIOUSLY!?!) out, or just crappy foods, I usually come back a pound or so heavier. This is not good when I'm trying to lose weight.

I'm in the process of figuring out a different system/plan for those times. I have to worry about offending someone by not wanting to eat their unhealthy foods. Offended or not, this is my body, my health, my life.... I've gotta do what's good for ME. I suppose people will understand that. And if they don't.... Too bad???


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