Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Tonight I Write With a Heavy Heart

I'm tired. Almost exhausted feeling. It is amazing how much your emotions can drain leave me feeling so drained.

My Dad called me this morning and said "I've got some bad news." My immediate reaction was that something happened to one of my grandparents. I quickly dismissed that because he'd know better than to call. That's an in person kind of thing. So then I thought "oh crap, I made a mistake and have an overdraft on my checking account. Or I paid a bill out of his bank account instead of mine."

I can only wish that it had been something like that. I can accept making mistakes, even if doing that would have made me furious with myself.

He called to tell me that a very close family friend, my Godfather, died last night. I believe my reaction was "oh my God!" Then it sunk in and I cried a little. Then my Dad called later to tell me he is going to be speaking and wanted my input. Then he talked about his friend, that he's known him for 42 years; nearly a life-long friend (Dad was 14 when they first met). And then he cried a little. So I cried again. A little more that time. I hate hearing or seeing my Dad cry. It's not often and when it happens it's for a significant reason. He's my rock and it's hard to see someone I view as being strong feel sad. I'm kind of a daddy's girl. I think that's part of what makes it so hard to see him cry.

Then I thought of other friends who've lost a parent. We are too young for this; we are barely in our 30s. Some lost parents in their 20s.

When something like this happens I think a lot about sad things and good things. It refreshes my perspective on living. And not that this is related to the deaths I think of (some were victims of that beast called cancer) but it makes me so happy that my Dad started taking better care of himself. He lost about 50 pounds, exercises and eats healthier. He once told me I inspired him to do it.

By losing weight and getting healthy he gave himself a better quality of life. He may have given himself more days; time to see me get married, to know his future grandchildren and maybe great-grandchildren (I hope but let's face it, I'm not getting any younger!).

I came home at lunch and wanted comfort food. I had a PBJ (natural PB and light, whole grain bread). It fit the comfort need and didn't blast though the calorie roof. You CAN have comfort food that isn't detrimental to your healthy diet.

When I got home from work I felt exhausted. I wanted to put on my pajamas and relax. I put on workout clothes, did a BR workout, and spent some time on the treadmill. I had a healthy dinner. I've relaxed too.

I've cried over random things.... Biggest Loser has made me cry like five or six times already. Part is emotion if having been where I was. Part is residual emotion from earlier. Part is that I am tired. I tend to be more emotional when I'm tired.... As if I really need the extra emotion tonight.

On a different note, the treadmill was horrible. Suddenly the girl who hated working out outside now has a problem with her beloved treadmill. It was such a struggle to even get on it. Of course I did BR first so that might be why it felt even worse.

My legs ached. I feel like I run differently on the treadmill than outside. I uses to feel like running outside was harder. My body would be sore after, usually just when I'd adjust to being outside again. I felt like I worked harder outside. Today that was reversed. Not only did my legs feel sore and different, it kind of pained me to get through it. It just seemed harder all around.

Strange. I always thought that running outside was harder.

Today was a little too windy to get out and walk/run. It wasn't as cold as yesterday but the wind was bone chilling. It's hard for me to workout if my body is THAT cold.

In the end I had a good workout. I was away from BR for a few days and missed it. I feel so weak when I don't have that strength training element in my workout. I love feeling like my muscles worked.

I'm off to relax... Early bed-time tonight. I'm wiped out.

By the way...I cried three more times before BL was over.


1 comment:

  1. I was 28 when my dad passed. It was so hard because he had fought for so long. He did all the things he was supposed to do to live a long life. He quit smoking, ate right, exercised, etc.

    We are definitely too young for this. What's worse is my kids are way too young to not know their grandpa. Keldan now calls him Dominic/Saviera/Gillian's grandpa, not his. Because he was only a month old.

    I know this time is very hard and my thoughts and prayers definitely go out to you and your family. But it does make me feel better about my own loss that you seem to "get it." So many people around me take all their loved ones for granted and their own lives for that matter.

    I also wanted to say thank you for taking the time during your grieving to think of me and my dad. If he knew his story made someone else think twice about their life, he would have been so proud.

    Many hugs to you as you go through this difficult time! ~B.