Friday, April 27, 2012

This May Sound Angry... It's Not.

I was listening to Katy Perry's "Part of Me" tonight and it made me think about my weight loss journey, even before I really started it. It really made me think about the people that I allowed in my life back then. I have on specific person in mind who I allowed to break me. I take comfort in knowing that I've found my own strength and no one will EVER have that effect on me again. Why? I won't let them. In this journey I've not only become healthier but I've learned to love myself. I've matured. I'm finally being the me who I've been all along but I locked away.

This particular person discouraged my weight loss efforts due to his own insecurity. I heard things about how if I got skinny I'd dump him. He was right. Had I done it then, I would have. Not because I suddenly thought I was hot and too good for him (although, I really was). I would have left because I would've discovered my self-worth. I would've learned to love myself. People who love themselves don't allow others to talk them out of doing good things. They don't let people influence them so much that they'll jeopardize their own health because they don't want to deal with hearing someone else talk down to them. People who love themselves do not allow themselves to be emotionally/mentally abused by little...amoeba-like creatures. Okay, that's weird, but that's the word that came into my mind. I probably should have used snake or rat, which better depicts how mean some people can be. Anyway, I used amoeba because amoebas are tiny, almost insignificant gross little creatures, like "Gonzo" was. I use Gonzo because he was a "blue weirdo" with a big, ugly schnaz. Sorry, Gonzo, the guy's nose reminds me of you, but that's where the similarities end. You both were weird, but you were weird in a cute way (Gonzo).

Okay, I'm gonna go ahead and acknowledge that this is going to sound angry because it's coming from my angry place. Someday maybe I will be able to recall this SNAFU without getting angry. I'm not there yet. I'm angry with myself for wasting so much time being insecure, shy, and
not caring about myself nearly as much as I should have. I'm angry with myself for letting someone treat me so badly. Why didn't I think I deseved better? I think deep down I knew that I did...But who would want a 300 pound girl? That was also drilled into my head and after a while, I believed it. I'm angry with him for the mental anguish he put me through. That anger is there, just under the surface, but only when I think about it. Generally I'm a very happy person and I show it.

With anger there is also sadness. Honestly when I sit down and think about my life at that time, it makes me sad. Sad for the same reasons that I get angry.

Here's where I talk myself up (it's not vanity; it's being true and confident)....

I'm sad because I couldn't see all of the good things about myself. I'm smart. I'm pretty...Even before I lost weight I had "a pretty face." By the way, I despised hearing that. It almost was like "you're pretty but you're fat, so only your face can be pretty." Unless I'm intentionally insulting someone, you know to be a jerk (or honest? lol), I will try my best to not tell another fat girl that she has a pretty face. I'll simply say "you're pretty." Qualifiers aren't necessary.

Annnnyway.... Smart... Pretty... I wear my heart on my sleeve (which is probably what lead me to some past situations). I care about the people in my life like crazy. I'm trying to learn not to drop everything to please someone else because it just can't happen. I spent too long being a "people pleaser" so that I'd be accepted. I did what others wanted me to so that they'd like me. If I can't do something, I know that it's okay to say I can't. I don't need to drive myself crazy trying to do things for everyone else. I've learned to take care of me, and intend of continue doing so. Also, if someone doesn't want to like me because I won't do something for them... Who wants them around anyway?

I suppose that was the big situation.

That song also makes me think of all the guys I was too fat for, or who wouldn't take me seriously, those who dumped me for other girls, the ones who didn't think I was good enough. Those things were so hard for me to handle. It hurt so badly. Part of that was how I took their actions. Instead of realizing that some things just weren't meant to be, I took them personally. Something was obviously wrong with me...And it was because I was fat. I'm an emotional girl and I take things hard. I hate letting people down. I'm a perfectionist.

I will never again allow anyone to have control over me. I'll fight back. I'm not afraid.

Oh, and to the people I wasn't good enough for before, but now I am... I'm still me. I look different. I'm stronger both mentally and physically, but inside I am the same girl. Maybe that was my fault for not letting my true self shine through. Or maybe it was your fault for thinking that the fat girl wasn't good enough, but now that she looks better, she is.
The song also makes me think of people who have said things to me at different times about my weight (being mean, not coming from a place of concern). People (girls) who were okay with having me around because they'd get all the attention....Who wants to talk to the fat girl? She you?? No. I've never been a canibal. I liked food,booze, and diet soda; not people! Maybe I'd sit on them and crush them? Probably not. Why would I even want to sit on you? Unless you were trying to rob me and I needed to defend myself, I had no interest in attempting to cut off your oxygen supply by sitting on you. I still don't. Those who gave me looks of disgust...This song reminded me of you too.

Then there are the people who said I "can't." There is NO WAY I could possibly lose that much weight. After I did? I MUST have had surgery. Not that I need to, but before I have plastic surgery, would you like photographic evidence of the fact that I have no scars on my body? Too bad you're not getting it. I don't have to prove myself to anyone. Also? Why would I lie about something like that? That's ridiculous. I'm having plastic surgery and have been totally open about it. I'm not ashamed, and had I had weight loss surgery I wouldn't have been ashamed either. People talk. If they want to think I had surgery, then that's what they'll think. If they want to know what pills I popped and don't like it when I tell them I didn't take any, they'll probably still think that I did. I'm okay with all of this. People will be people. They will think what they want. Sometimes I think it's because THEY don't have the ability to change the things about themselves that they don't like; their own insecurities. Those of you who thought that there's no way I could have done this on my own; those of you who said I couldn't do it... Take a good look.... I did it. I finally got to the place where I loved myself and I did it. You said it couldn't be done. I proved you wrong.

"...But that was then and this is now. Now look at me. This is the part of me that you're never gonna ever take away from me... Throw your sticks and stones, throw bombs and your blows. But you're not gonna break my soul."


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