Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Pasta Dish Concoction

I decided I was in the mood for pasta yesterday when I saw a yummy looking alfredo recipe online.

My pasta dish isn't quite as deadly.

I used whole grain pasta and made a sauce out of olive oil and some fat free mozzarella cheese. I baked some chicken breast (boneless, skinless) seasoned with Italian dressing, and made some steamed broccoli....and threw it all together.

Verdict? Yum!

Slowly Improving

It's been about a week since my first run after having been off.  I'm improving; somewhat slowly. Or maybe I just have too high of expectations. Who knows!  Today was my fourth jog/walk and it went pretty well. I went faster than the last few times, which meant I went a little farther. I'm not up to my usual speed, but I'm getting there. I'm doing C25K so I'm only running in sort periods. Will I be able to do an entire 5K at my top speed in a week and a couple days?  Nope.  Am I okay with that? Yup.  It will just feel good to do my best, even if I walk more than I'd like! :)

I'm excited about this 5K. There are quite a few friends doing it too, so it will be nice to have that support. Last year a few friends ran it too, and it was nice but I didn't see much of them.  I'm hoping that with so many running this year, I'll find one or two to stick with. I know others will be way ahead and some behind (but they're walking it!) but that's okay. For me this isn't about my time. It's not about winning. It's just about going out for an early morning run and having fun.  I'm super competitive so naturally I'll be pushing as hard as I can but I'm not going to allow any negative self-talk (or thoughts, I guess) during the run.  Oddly I'm most competitive with myself.  I always tell myself I can push harder and go longer; move faster. Sometimes it's motivating and sometimes, if I'm having a bad day, it's just destructive.

I'm excited that so many people I know are going to do it - whether they run, jog, walk, or do a combo like me, I'm proud of them for doing it.  A lot of people would prefer to stay in bed and be lazy on a Saturday morning.  I'm loving that I know so many people who are going to get up and be ready to move by eight! Hopefully it'll be warm; last year was a little brisk for me, but that wasn't such a bad thing. I pushed hard and definitely warmed up. I just prefer to run in fewer clothes. I'd rather not deal with too may layers. I'm sure it'll be chilly in the morning, even if the day turns out to be warm. 

In other news...

I noticed today that not only is the scale showing the difference in weight, my body is.  My tummy definitely does not appear to be as swollen as it was.  There's definitely still swelling but it's looking smaller.  I know it'll take time, but hopefully I will continue to see a little progress each week.  It was good to be able to see the changes in my body. The scale moving was one thing, and now seeing it is another....Both have been wonderful!! My Mom's friend told me I look great today, and not to lose anymore weight. While I don't have dreams of a big loss, I do want to lose a bit more. Nothing significant since I had surgery, and I really don't have room to lose a significant amount anyway. I'd be too thin, which isn't what I want.

I was also finally able to get into regular pants! Yes! I'm happy that my trusty size 10 work pants fit again.
I can't wait to keep going down....Hopefully I'll be in an eight. I'd love to be a six, but I won't get crazy.  As long as I am healthy and happy, I'll be okay.  It would be nice, though, to have my bottom and my top match up a little better. I find it funny that bottoms are M/L and my tops can be much smaller. I'd say on average I'm a medium, but then I have a couple smalls that are too big. I pretty much stopped determining my size a while ago, when I realized that depending on the item, I can wear a variety of sizes. The only thing I can rule out is anything bigger than a medium in tops - they are definitely too big!!

I'm still not satisfied with my hips and legs. I realize I'm still progressing, but as of now I'm definitely having a lower body lift when I get my arms done.  This will likely be sometime next year.  Lately I've also been focused on my smaller than I'd like chest. I NEVER thought I'd be one to get anything done to my breasts but now I'm re-thinking it.  That would be the last area of correction.  I have skin there so it's not like I'd just be getting implants for the fun of it! This would be a breast lift, which does include an implant to help fill out the fact that there's extra skin there.

 My Dad heard me talking about it the other day and said "when does it end?!"  I just want to fix the mess I've made by getting fat. In my eyes this excess skin wasn't caused by weight loss. It was caused by the fact that I allowed myself to become so insanely overweight in the first place.  Sure, it's showing up because of the loss but it wouldn't be there had I not gotten fat. I'm not going to become plastic. This is about correcting the damage that's been done to my body. Although I'm not gonna lie...Someday I might enjoy a little botox...But no face lifts or anything like that. The idea of having my face cut into makes me queasy. YUCK!!

In about another month I'm going to do a photo shoot again, with the same photographer who did my shoot last fall.  She has a project she's working on and needed a model. I asked her about it and she thinks I'll be perfect for it.  All I know is that it will be a fun outdoor shoot. I have no idea what I'll be doing, which makes it even more exciting! I'm pretty much up for anything at this point...Whether I go "pretty" or I get to play in the mud! Maybe both!? Whatever it is, I'm excited!! I'm starting to think I was born to be in front of the camera....I sure do like to have my picture taken!

I suppose that's all the news I have for today. I need to think of another good topic to write about instead of just "a day in the life of..." type posts. I enjoy these posts and hope to help motivate others as they continue to read about what I've accomplished and what I continue to do. This is my life; a new way of living and I'll remember that.... Every. Single. Day.


Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Dinner Concoction

I saw a HG recipe for backyard BBQ cup things. I didn't want to do them exactly as the recipe called for so I put my own spin on them....

I used extra lean ground turkey and some BBQ sauce. Cook it together and slap it on a bun (I used a 100% whole wheat bin); that's it! It's a bit like a sloppy joe but a little different. Naturally I needed a side so I made some steamed veggies.

I've been in cooking mode lately. I have a concoction in mind for tomorrow night and I'm about to go make sure everything works with my WW points. No harm in tracking a day early. I can always make changes of needed!

Even Long Weekends Don't Seem Long Enough!

It was a busy, but awesome weekend.  I got a few things accomplished and had a lot of fun with family and friends. Gooood times!

I worked out on Friday but really didn't make much time to the rest of the weekend.  Life happens and we get busy sometimes.  I was right back at it today though. I pushed a little harder than I did on my last run. I walked and ran at a faster pace. For some reason it was rough today; maybe because I didn't do anything for a few days and then bumped it up a notch?

I did stick to my healthy eating though! Of course, I did add a drink or two in there.  I didn't really log my stuff for WW though. I did a little but then not the rest. I'm back on track with it today. I think with starting it on Friday evening, going into a holiday weekend was probably not my greatest idea. BUT I'm no longer a procrastinator. If I want to make a change, I initiate it right away! I was right back to tracking today too. I know they give these extra points and I'm allowed to eat my activity points, but I'd rather not. The nice thing is that I don't HAVE to, but they're there if I need them, which is nice.  It's definitely a lot easier to do WW this time around... I am already healthy and I know what I should and shouldn't do. I'm not about to play with my points to account for bad eating habits. YUCK!! I'll use the extra points as they're needed, but I'm not going to have the mindset that they're there so I can (and will!) eat them all. I did that last time. I had success but I still wasn't healthy.  It's much different this time around.

In other news, my weight tracking day will be Saturday.  I weighed-in on Saturday and was down three pounds from when I weighed myself earlier in the week (Wednesday).  I weighed-in today because I wanted to survey the damage from the weekend. Apparently I didn't quite do the damage I thought I had. I was down a pound!! My Saturday weights are the weights that will "count" and I probably won't weigh every day. I have a history of getting too obsessive with weighing in and watching the scale, so I'm sticking to a healthy relationship with the scale.  Anyway, so today was to see what I may have done to myself and to know that I'd have to work extra hard to get my butt back in shape this week. To be lighter than Saturday was a very pleasant surprise.

The really cool thing about weighing less this morning is that I weighed about three hours earlier than I did on Saturday.  Generally, the later in the morning I weigh-in, the less I weigh.  That's pretty much common sense... It's been longer since I've eaten, I've slept a little later and therefore burned a few extra calories. Anyway, so I expected to be at least what I was on Saturday morning...Simply because it was earlier in the day.

This tells me that... My swelling is going down! Of course, my jeans actually fitting over the weekend helped show me that, but it's nice to see it on the scale.  It's been since before surgery that I could wear them.  I'm hoping that my normal work pants fit tomorrow morning! I think that getting back into exercising and being into my usual surroundings where I can eat like normal has helped too. Some might be from the swelling going down and some might be from getting back into my good habits. I'll take both, happily!!

Yesterday I spent the afternoon out on the lake on a friend's boat. It was a gorgeous day and a fun, relaxing time. Naturally I was annoyed with having to wear my compression garment, but I wore it...For most of the time.  I kept it on for a couple hours and then took it off for a couple hours. I decided that if it's okay to take it off for that time to wash and dry it, then it was okay. I could definitely feel that it was time to put it back on though. My tummy and legs were so sore when we got done. I can't imagine that was just from sitting on and walking around the boat. My legs get sore from sitting for too long, but that's usually just at work. I'm thinking the soreness was from not wearing that garment for a little while. I'm a stickler about wearing it anyway, but that helped to show me that as much as it annoys me sometimes, I need it.  At my follow-up appointment the surgeon said I need to wear it for four more weeks and then I think I can take it off at night (or maybe that's now). I don't remember, but regardless I'll probably continue to wear it most of the time. The four weeks would be up on June 8th. My next appointment is July 6th.  I'm pretty sure that aside from having it off for summer fun, I'll wear it.  I just want to be sure everything heals properly and falls into place like it should. My body seemed extra jiggly yesterday but that might just be because I'm so used to having everything be tightened up. Either way, this thing stays until the doc says I absolutely do not need it at all.

Anyway... I suppose that's my update for now. I'm sure I'll be back, with some topic of another, tomorrow!


Thursday, May 24, 2012

Post-Op Workout One...DONE!

I survived my first workout, and made it through the entire thing without too much trouble.

I started with C25K W1D1 (plus an extra five minutes) and ran much slower than normal. At some points I felt like I was just walking fast and with a bounce.  I did about a 14 minute mile. It wasn't a matter of cardio or breathing that was slowing me down. It wasn't my tummy. It was my legs. I did not expect them to be so sore. I'm still bruised and tender from surgery so when I tried to go faster, it hurt more. If I kept it at a slower pace the pain was pretty mild.  At that point it felt like I was bumping the bruises against something.  I think it's because I have big thighs. Even with the fat suctioned out, I feel like they are still giant.  I also have a big booty. So... All of that bouncing is probably what caused it.  Either way, I did a little running and it felt good.

Oddly I burned more calories and worked up more of a sweat than I expected, especially at such a slow pace.  I guess having over two weeks off makes a pretty big difference!

After that, I was feeling pretty good so I decided to tackle the ST list I posted a little earlier. I did everything, plus I added 15 tricep dips at the end. I had a little trouble with squats but I think it was more that I felt awkward rather than sore. I decided to put more pressure on my incision area, and then the squats didn't feel any different. I guess I'm just used to having a little extra support with the garnment. Oh, I took it off during my workout becuase I thought it would be better to have it off for a shorter period of time working out, rather than having to wash it and let it dry later on. which would've taken much longer. This way I am wearing it longer. This stupid thing is becoming like a safety net! I just want to make sure that everything heals properly and that the swelling goes down like it should.  The less I have it off, the better.

I ended up doing 20 push-ups instead of 10 because I did them on my knees.  When I went into push-up position and lowered myself down, I felt like there was too much pull on my abdomen. I was fine in plank, but that's probably because I was holding still.  I did not modify my side planks like I thought I might. I started with a knee down and then popped up to a normal side plank. No problems with any of the planks and I held them for the full 30 seconds. Not bad for not doing anything in a little while!

I only did the circuit once through, which was enough. I'm sure I may have been able to do a little more, but my Mom called in my second to last exercise, so I decided I'd rather make my protein shake and call her back while I drank it.  I think that it was a fine decision. I feel good and I know I worked, and didn't over-do it. 

I'd say workout one was a success!


Facing A Fear

Today is day sixteen post-op, and I've stopped posting daily (haha or close to daily) comments regarding my progress. I think I'll go back to regular blogs and maybe just do something weekly for a while, then eventually monthly for a while.

I decided that the best way for me to get back into exercise is by starting slowly. It's not because I have been off for two weeks. It's because of the fact that I'm healing.  I was told that I was on a two week restriction for running or anything more than some walking. I'm past that so I can run again. Honestly? I am afraid. I want to run, I want to get back to feeling the burn, but I'm afraid to start. Sure the doc told me two weeks, and it's been two...But WHAT IF it's still too soon for me? Yup, the what-ifs...They hang out in my mind a lot, for good and bad reasons. When did I become so anxious?!

In starting slow I am going to do C25K again and alternate it with walking. I'm going to start C25K on the  treadmill. Oddly I'm looking forward to using it. Maybe because I'll be in the comfort of my own home. If I have to stop, I'll be in a safe area. Or if I start having pain or something, I won't have to worry about getting home.  Now, C25K starts slowly. I'm thinking I only have to jog for 60 seconds at a time. Easy. Even without doing much of anything for two weeks, alternating jogging for 60 seconds and walking for 90 seconds would be easy. It's the healing that I'm worried about.

A couple of my co-workers who live near me go for walks almost nightly, so I thought it would be good to join them...Then I will actually stick to C25K and take the cross training days for JUST walking, no running...For now anyway! Plus it'll be socialization, which is nice. I really don't have any "friends" in the town I live in (they are only a short drive away though), so it'll be nice to see some other faces during the week. Eventually I'll bring the "kids" (dogs) but I'm not doing that for a while. I don't want to risk anything with their wild pulling and running.  I'll probably wait at least a month longer before I walk the dogs.  I may even wait until after my 6 week follow-up to make sure I'm on track with healing.

I also want to do some strengthening exercises. I'm going to start small there too; do what seems easy as I get back into it. I'd love to bust out a BR today, but I know that's not going to be possible for a little while yet. Instead? I'm going to do some squats and lunges. I think my legs are ready to handle that.  I also want to get into some ab exercises again. My tummy tuck did not involve my muscles, so that's not a worry. My worry is moving too much or in a way that will spilt the incision open or some horrific thing like that. So...I will do so planks.  Planks work the abs, but shouldn't stretch me too much, especially forward planks! I'll probably do a few of those....Maybe hold for 30 seconds, the rest, repeat.  I was a little concerned about side planks and how they may stretch me, but I can do a modified version, using my bottom leg for support in the plank. That way I won't be stretching too far. Obviously I'm just going to have to try things out and see what will work. If something feels uncomfortable, it won't be an exercise I can do and I'll have to think of something else. I should be able to handle push-ups, and of course some curls and such.

I think I worry because I just want to make sure I do everything the way I'm supposed to. I don't want to risk doing something that will slow down my healing or cause a problem.  I'm not a risk-taker anyway, so I'm not surprised that I'm not wanting to take a risk now! 

I definitely NEED to get back into exercising. The longer I'm off, the easier it is to get away from. Past experience reminds me of this. I miss it too... Not as much as I thought I would, but that's probably because I've been wrapped up like a mummy, have had a little pain, and have been so tired. It's not easy to miss while recovering. Now though I am starting to become antsy. I'm ready to start again. So....Today will be my first day of C25K again.

I wrote out a list of all the strengthening moves that I should be able to do. I varied the moves to work different body parts and so that I'm not doing all of one muscle group at a time. If it gets to be too much, I will only do the push-ups, legs and abs, then leave arms for tomorrow to do with abs again. Since my ab work is only planks, it won't be hard to do daily if I can handle them. I'll use 10 pound weights. Depending on how I feel at the end of the circuit, I'll repeat it. I don't want to sound too ambitions for day one!

Here is my plan for today, all written out for me (and the world) to see...

C25K W1D1 (30 minutes)

10 push-ups
20 squats
10 lunges  - right
10 lunges - left
30 second plank
30 second side plank - right
30 second side plank - left
60 second wall sit
15 bicep curls
15 hammer curls
15 bent over rows
15 tricep dips

I think that's a good, slow start for now.  Half the battle is actually doing it. Fear, please step aside, I'm going to workout...

I'll report my results later!


Monday, May 21, 2012

Body Changes Post-Op

It's been nearly two weeks since my surgery! Crazy!! The time has gone by so quickly, I can't believe it.  I had a few rough days at first but since I've been healing things have gotten better. I had moments wondering what I had done and why I did it. Now I don't ask those questions. I'm happy I did. 

I also have moments of feeling unhappy about it though. I did not expect perfection. I did not expect to come out of the OR looking like a VS Angel. I thought I'd look...Different though; better.  I try to remind myself that it's not even been two weeks yet. At my appointment on Friday the doc said that I still have swelling on my belly.  I know I'm not an "after" yet but I worry that I won't look how I expected.

My tummy still seems bigger than I thought it would. Then again, I have swelling. I had a bathing suit on over the weekend and didn't like the way I looked when I was sitting down. I still had some pudge that went over the suit. I can't help but wonder if this will go away or if it will be there. I know I'm swollen but I expected something a little different than this. Maybe in a month it'll be even better. I hope so anyway.

I also know that my thighs probably have some swelling but I'm not as happy as I thought I'd be. Despite the fact that 2-3 liters of fat was removed from them, they don't look much different to me. I can see a little change when I look in the mirror from the side but not straight on. Again, I didn't expect perfection but I also thought this would look better. As it stands now, I'm all for that thigh lift that was discussed at my consultation. Maybe that and the arms will happen next year. I guess we'll see.

Don't get me wrong, I AM happy with my results. I didn't expect perfection but I also expected more than what I'm seeing thus far. Hopefully a month from now things will look different. I'm also an emotional train wreck lately (WHAT did they put in that IV!?!) so that probably has something to do with it. I'm all over the place...Anxious, happy, and then randomly crying. Haha...Maybe I have had too much time on my hands to THINK lately! I let my mind wander too much and allow myself to think about too many "what-ifs" sometimes. Luckily someone else who is close to me is also a bit of an emotion train wreck, so we're able to lean on one another and be one big ol' train wreck together. That's oddly comforting.


Monday, May 14, 2012

My Second Solo Post-Op Outing

My blog posts have been pretty short, if at all, lately. That's mostly because I'm doing daily updates (or every couple days doing a few!) on my plastic surgery page. Check there for what's been happening.

I do have a short annoyance to vent about before I go rest....

I was at the store today, by myself, less than a week post-op. I was also there, by myself, yesterday!!! It has only been days since my surgery and I'm feeling pretty good. I get tired pretty quickly and came home feeling rather exhausted.   BUT... I was up, drain, sexy compression garment and all, walking through the store. I was pushing my own cart, getting my own things from the shelves and putting them in the cart. I even did the self check-out.

Would you like to know what annoyed me?  Seeing a lady, probably less than ten (and that's being generous) years older than me; or maybe even a few years younger...I really don't know. Anyway, I saw no physical reason for her to be in one of those little motorized carts, as she grocery shopped with her two young children.  I saw no casts, no crutches, no signs of anything physically "wrong" with her. She was a pretty big girl, but that's NOT a disability. 

I will be honest...I looked into the basket on her little power cart and noticed that it was full of all kinds of wonderfully unhealthy things.  I was annoyed.  I'd have been more annoyed if I were having pain and had wanted one of those and there were no available (hahaha I'd drag myself through the store on one foot before I'd get on one of those). BUT...I am perfectly able to walk, hunched over a little, with an odd shaped bulge in my shirt (my drain), and lumps from the dressings in places...I'm fine with that. At one point my drain was sticking out (how gross; sorry people). I'd much rather walk around, moving slow, and looking like a granny than I would ride around in one of those carts.

To see someone who appeared healthy, other than her weight, being lazy and cruising in a cart was so obnoxious.  I saw little old ladies moving around the store, and they probably could've been in a cart!!

This is highly judgemental because she may have really had a good reason for needing that cart (while her children ran wild), but I did not see it. From what I could see, it was pure laziness. She wasn't even THAT big!!! As not nice as it is I thought, "I bet she just left McDonald's; or maybe she's going there next." Yes, that's mean. That's judgemental. That's not the nicest thought in the world, but seriously... IF it was JUST laziness, I have no problem with coming across that way. 

What really annoyed me is what it was teaching her children.  If there's no reason for her to be in the cart, it's teaching her children to be lazy.  I also noticed that there appeared to be no lessons regarding nutrition on today's shopping trip.  The kids were like little piranhas going after bags of chips in the salty snacks aisle (I walked down it JUST to look in her cart...haha...I'm a jerk).

This just reinforced to me that when I have children, I'm going to make sure I set a good example for them. I'm going to continue to be healthy. I'm going to teach them about making good choices. I will not feed them full of fast food on a regular basis.  I also won't be too controlling.  I will allow snacks and treats, in moderation. I think that being too strict can cause issues with food too.  It really just comes down to teaching them to be healthy and helping them to understand why it's important to fule our bodies with good things. Activity and exercise will be hugely emphasized in the lives of my future children.

I'm definitely ready for a nap...I've been sipping a Mike's raspberry Margarita ('s that for healthy!?) as I've written this and I'm definitely entering the relaxation zone. No worries, I'm no longer on any meds so an afternoon drink shouldn't be too harmful.  I decided that if I'm going to be off work, no matter how horrible I may feel at times, I'm going to take the time to relax and act as though it's somewhat vacation-like.  Now that I'm feeling a bit better, I'm hoping that I will actually be able to enjoy relaxing, unlike the first few days!

Nap time is calling my name....

**I actually wrote this on 5/9/12 but managed to save it as a draft instead of publishing it! :)

I have not been good about posting lately. I've been busy packing, organizing, and cleaning. I'm sure after today I will have time!

I have to check in at the surgical center in 25 minutes. It's about 5 minutes away.

Surgery is at 8:30 and I should be out my noon and going home around 2

Oddly I'm not as nervous as I was. Maybe I'm too tired. Maybe it hasn't hit me yet. I think my Mom is more anxious than I am this morning.

On another note, I am thirsty and cannot drink. What I'd do for a bottle of water....


Sunday, May 6, 2012

I looked at my largest jeans tonight and thought "I can't believe I used to wear these."

I realized that I have finally adjusted to my new size. I can't even imagine wearing my old jeans anymore.

Huh.. I wonder when that happened.


Friday, May 4, 2012

Running in High Gear

I am full of nervous energy and excitement. I keep getting butterflies in my stomach.I suppose that's called anxiety. I get this funny little tingle and then I sort of feel it work its way up and I want to start giggling. Also, I sometimes feel as though I may spontaneously cry. Excited? Um yes. That's probably an understatement. What's more excited than excited? I'm that; whatever that is.

Manic! That's it! Usually people think of that in a negative way; like when they think of someone with bipolar disorder. They got manic and start flying on high speed. I'm kinda like that, but not doing anything too wild. I was just very efficient at work today. I had to, in part, because I wanted to start getting things ready for when I am off. The other part is that if I stopped I'd probably become way too easily distracted for about a zillion reasons. Distracting me would not take much today. So, I am happily manic in productive way. Mostly.

Also...I was talking to myself, but in a sing-song voice.

I was so happy to see that the weather forecast was nice. I need to get outside for some exercise. If my cousin goes again we will just walk but I am okay with that...At least it is something; and it is outside. I still want to do that beach run before surgery, so maybe after we walk I'll do a short run up and down the beach. Hopefully no one is watching. They may wonder why I'm coming back so soon, or I'll look like I'm just running back and forth. Oh well. At least I'm out there running, even if I look like I'm running back and forth because I don't know where to go! I'm the girl on the beach getting the exercise; not the person in their car who wouldn't even think of taking a run down the beach.

I definitely plan to run on Tuesday afternoon before I head out of town. That will be my last run for at least a couple weeks. I definitely plan to make it a good one, but I'm also going to be sure to ENJOY it. I'll probably look like a fool running around with a goofy smile on my face. That's okay. Sometimes goofy smiles are good.

So here's my plan (and by the way AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH it's almost hereeeee!!!)...

Monday: Work...all day. That will be fun and I'm sure my focus will be worse than today. Oh boy! Home to do at least a BR and clean; hopefully start packing.

Tuesday: Work about a half day. Then I'm going home to back, headed up to my parents, doing a run, then getting ready to head out of town. Mom and I (still not sure what my Dad's plan is; Mom thinks she can handle the drugged up me on her own) are staying in a hotel near where the surgery will be. We will most likely to a little shopping and have dinner

Wednesday: After what will probably be a fairly sleepless night (nerves, excitement), I will be getting up around 5:30 to get ready!! I have to be at the surgical center at 6:30; surgery is scheduled for 8 but it's a possibility he'll move my time up to 7:30. I kinda hope that happens...Less time to sit around and be anxious! Anyway, it won't take me long to get ready in the morning. I can't wear make-up or any hair products (no hair products? OH BOY!) or anything. My outfit will be a pair of comfy (read: sweat type, like an old pair of PINK) pants and a zip up hoodie. Or a button up shirt. I think a button up shirt would like pretty redonkulous with comfy pants though. OH!! Here is what I can't figure out though... They say nothing that pulls over your head. So, I guess that means braless after? Or I find a zip up bra? Where would I even find such a thing!? I'd want it to be comfy, so like a sports bra....Who knows. I suppose braless is the way to go. Amazing. I'm sure I won't care though, having been under anesthesia and slightly loopy. I should be discharged by 2, and headed home to recover.

I honestly have no idea why I am putting so much thought into my post-op outfit. Or why I'm so concerned about a bra. Last time I had surgery my focus was on the breathing tube. I suppose since I've survived a surgery, and could wear actual clothes after, I'm not focusing on something I don't know about. Maybe that's something I do when nervous.... Anyway, so breathing tube last time; bra this time.

Have I mentioned I'm super excited?


Thursday, May 3, 2012

I absolutely do not like finding typos on my blogs. I try to proof them but end up reading over the typos sometimes.  It annoys me that spell check doesn't find them because they're other words!

Just thought I'd share!

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

One Week!

The countdown is on!! One week from now I will be home recovering from surgery...Crazy!! I didn't think that this day would ever come.

First...I didn't think it would come because I never thought I would have made the decision to change my way of living. I never thought I'd lose over 160 pounds. Although, I never really thought about any of it. I don't remember thinking I was destined to live in my former body forever. I don't remember thinking about my future weight much...If at all.  I do remember being unhappy, having low self-esteem, and not liking what I looked like. It took me a while to do something about it, for good. I tried off and on, various methods, some worked short-term, some I quit way too soon because I didn't see change fast enough.

Second... When I started losing weight I didn't really have any expectations. I just decided I'd change. And I did. I didn't have a set pound goal. I didn't even weight myself very often. I just ate healthy and exercised, and noticed the change in my appearance and clothes. I didn't think about what I would look like. I didn't think about having excess skin hanging around. I didn't think I'd ever consider liposuction. Once I started working I just thought that I would continue to get smaller everywhere. Well, as my surgeon told me, for my thighs...I can exercise all I want but those fat cells aren't leaving on their own. Enter liposuction.

I always thought lipo was cheating. That people could just exercise a little more and burn the fat, get into shape. I know that cellulite is there, but that's not really the part of it I was looking at. I was just considering the fat.  I found it somewhat annoying when thin people would get lipo because they thought they were fat. Yes, I made a judgement. Yes, I was wrong...Well in part. I'm sure there ARE people who get procedures like crazy and they don't need them...Of course no one NEEDS plastic surgery; we all want it. So, no matter who it is, there is something that the person doesn't like about himself or herself. I know there are extreme cases where people become addicted or they want procedures that many doctors won't do because they truly shouldn't have them done.  Those cases probably aren't that frequent (total guess; no research done on my end). There's a difference in changing something that you physically cannot, and having psychological issues that cause you to be addicted to something or cause you to strive for the unhealthy.

My body looks, I feel, like it's been through a war. And, it kind of has...I was in a war with myself and my body was wounded in the process. It stretched too far. I allowed too many fat cells to form, and grow.  I lived like that for several years. Then I decided to do something about it.  Those fat cells started to shrink. I was burning the fat away.  Finally! I was winning.  However, those years of losing left scars behind. Excess skin. The fat cells on my thighs did strange things. They all shrunk, to a point. I'm sure some were burned away. My thighs are much smaller, however, they look....Awful. So... I have a choice. I can live with the skin, and bizarre (in my opinion) looking thighs and those can be my scars. I can stare at myself and not like how I look, which, let's face it isn't good for anyone.  Or I can have surgery and be left with smaller scars; scars that, like the things I can't change, will never fade. They'll always be there to be a reminder of the war that I put my body through.

I'm sure that because it's my body, these areas look worse to me than others. I've had people tell me that I don't need it....That I look good without it. Every single time I hear that, I want to hug them. They're right. I don't need it. And I love them for thinking I look good without it.  Even more, I love it when they say that I was pretty before but that they're proud/impressed with what I've done.

Speaking of how people have reacted, I have to post this... I thought it was cute.  Last night my Mom was telling me that my Nonie told her that sometimes when she's watching TV and sees a cute guy, she thinks that I could have a guy like that; that I'm beautiful. An actor!? Oh Nonie, I love you!!  I love my family...So, so much (not just for little compliments like that but because they are nothing less than super fantastically amazing).

Back to surgery... I've changed my opinion about cosmetic procedures. I'm much less judgemental than I used to be. Why? Because I understand it. In fact, NOW I am on the opposite end. I've had a few.... Unpleasant reactions. Naturally everyone has opinions. Some feel that if you want surgery that means you're seeking a perfect body. I am not. I do not expect to wake up from surgery next week, leave the hospital, and go a photo shoot with Victoria's Secret. I'll have swelling, I'll be wrapped up like a mummy. I'll have stitches. I'll have bruises. I'll have a super sexy drain (okay, so that part I'm SURE VS would be interested in -- sarcasm).  I'll be swollen for a while. I'll check in for my photo shoot a month post-op.  Okay, honestly, I will NEVER be in the VS catalog or walk their runway. I'm realistic.  This surgery is not going to transform me into a super model. It's just going to help me to be the best physical me. I don't expect perfection. I just expect to be rid of what I don't like.

I often wonder what it is about people being anti-plastic surgery.  I think back to how I was and.... I think I just didn't understand what it was like to be in the position to want to change something that no matter what you do you cannot change.  We all have imperfections. Some say to leave alone the imperfections that we have. God made us as we are and we should accept that. In my case, God did not make me fat. I made myself fat. Then I made myself...Smaller. I did not understand why someone would desire this type of surgery because I was never in the position to consider it.

I have a friend who had lipo and I didn't think she needed it. I didn't even notice what she didn't like about her thighs. I thought she was crazy... I thought she looked thin and gorgeous.  She didn't though, at least not her thighs. That's the key - it is how we see ourselves, not how the world sees us. She didn't NEED it, but she wanted it. She felt better about herself after she had it done. 

I also wonder if it's, in part, jealousy.  I didn't understand why someone would want surgery because I was no where near being in the physical condition that surgery would be an option....Except for bariatric surgery but that definitely was not an option - for me. I had negative feelings about that too. I'm not sure why. Probably because I was scared. No way would I have gone through a surgery to lose weight. Now that I've seen that it CAN be done on your own, I'm glad I never did it. But if someone else wants to, then I'd support them. What's right for one isn't right for all....Whether it be weight loss surgery or plastic surgery.

Back to the jealousy component...  I think that was jealous because my body wasn't a body that could have plastic surgery. For me it couldn't be an option. So, in addition to understanding it, I was jealous of people who were small enough to be able to go through it.  I thought they didn't NEED it because, in my eyes, they already looked wonderful. So maybe it's for physical reasons. Maybe they aren't at the size where this is an option for them. Or maybe they just can't afford it. I mean, I'd be annoyed if someone was having something done that I'd like to have done but I couldn't afford it. That annoyance is a type of jealousy. I'm not signing a check the day of surgery. I financed an amount for a year, so that I don't have any interest to pay, that I'll make monthly payments on. I can't make the payments (or the amount that was put down) completely on my own, so my parents are helping. They put the money down and will pay half of my monthly payment. I'm fortunate that they can do that. However, after my payments to CareCredit are done, I'll be making payments to my parents.  My Dad said that he "is NOT" paying for this. Of course he said that about grad school to and he's been paying for that.... Thanks Daddy! I'm kidding though...I'm not expecting or asking for them to pay any part of it without me paying it back. This is something I'm choosing to do as a reward to myself for the changes I've made and the work I've done.

Whatever their reasons, people are against plastic surgery. That's okay. I actually don't mind when people share their opposing views. They're not me. They don't know how I feel, what I think, or what my naked body looks like (and they never will!). Some people like to fight and really share their opinions and that's okay. I'll hear what they have to say, but in the end I've made a decision and my mind won't be changed.

Remind me I said that when I'm in pain next week and saying "whhhyyyy did I do this?"  I'm sure after the pain subsides and I am feeling better, I'll remember why I did it.  I won't have regrets.

No matter what it is; surgical scars, tattoos (I have a few of those too - small ones), body piercings (I have a scar from an old belly piercing too), stretched ears...Any physical thing we've done that might leave a mark on us....They're what we choose. we make the choices that we desire, for our bodies. We alter our own appearance. For me, I'd rather live with surgical scars than excess skin and thighs that I don't like to look at. Scars fade. And to me, a scar is prettier than what I look at now.

I know I post a lot about songs and song lyrics, but here's part of the lyrics from another one (I may have posted it before)....

"I know these corners, I know these streets.
The curb-side Prophet there yelling at me;
He can save my soul for a drink and a dollar.
Yeah, he's yelling about my tattoos,
But we all live with the scars we choose
They might hurt like hell,
but they all make us stronger.

If you want it
Come and get it
If you want it, come and get it and understand
You take me as I am."

--Sugarland ; "Take Me As I Am"