Friday, June 15, 2012

Not the Best Day

When my mind wasn't occupied with work today (which was most of the day), it was focused on my body. Almost obsessively. I'm not sure what my problem is today but I look at myself and want to burst into tears. Even just THINKING about it makes my eyes well-up a little.

AHHH!!! WHAT is wrong with me today?

It's nothing else that's bothering me either...It's all my body. 

I was five weeks post-op on Wednesday. I KNOW that it can really take a while to see the effect of a tummy tuck (and probably the lipo too), but I'm starting to get frustrated. My upper abdomen is puffed out. I swear it looks like a pregnant belly when I stand; all rounded out (and smooth thanks to my compression garment). While the entire lower skin fold is gone, this upper fold seems larger. It's horrible when I sit or bend. I feel like it's not getting any better. 

I didn't expect perfection but I don't want to look like I have a big ol' belly roll either! Part of it hangs when I bend, kind of like excess skin would. The sitting part is the worst. When I touch it, it feels....Weird. I feel something but it's a different sensation. If I touch any other body part, it's no big deal. When I touch this it's kind of bouncy yet full feeling. I'm guessing that this is still swelling. I'll probably have my Mom, who is a nurse, take a look at it and see what she thinks. I know that as a nurse she can certainly assess for swelling.  I hope it's swelling because I feel like a bloated cow.

After a while my focus switched to my thighs. I feel like they don't look much different either despite having between 2000 and 300- ccs (2-3 liters) removed. I read some stuff online tonight about people having had surgery who went down in pant sizes quickly. I have some of mine that I'm struggling to get into. It makes me feel like maybe I'll never wear smaller clothes (which despite the contours and how my body looks was my mine focus, was what I thought would be a perk). I get slightly annoyed and think, "my entire lower abdominal fold is gone and my pants fit better in front, but I can't get some of my pre-op pants over my thighs!" I feel like at this point, I should be seeing more of a difference.

I researched a bit online and a lot of change should be seen right around now... Yes, full results take as much as a year, but I feel like I should be seeing more than I am right now. I thought reading the experiences of others would help, but I think it's made me feel worse....Almost in a "what's wrong with my body!?" type of way. I know that all bodies are different and will react differently but I really wish I'd be seeing more changes right now.  I'm frustrated.

Then of course I read about fluid and such online and wonder if it's more than just the regular swelling. Could it be a build-up that will have to be aspirated (because I SO want a needle stuck in me several times). Then I have those lumps under my skin toward the bottom of my thighs.... They're definitely not the same as the belly. These are hard lumps. After researching, I think they're necrotic (dead) fat that will eventually liquefy and be processed out of my body - according to what I found. 

My next appointment isn't for three weeks. It's too soon to go in again, but if I don't find a way to ease my mind I'll be anxious for three weeks. Maybe I'll just call next week and have my mind put at ease. I'm sure it's nothing serious....Probably dead fat and swelling; nothing more.  But I can't help but feel annoyed. I'm not really worried that anything is "wrong." I'm worried that I"m not going to look any better than I do right now and today, I'm feeling like a hideous beast.

I must just be emotional and sensitive today. Great. I feel like, regarding my body, I could cry in a second. Hopefully that's just about my body, but knowing me anything else could trigger the tears. UGH!! This foul mood needs to go away....I'm the only one who can make it happen, so off I go...To find some way to make myself quit being so negative and start feeling better.

It IS Friday evening, so the thrill of the weekend does make me feel a little better!


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