Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Personal Growth and Change.

After taking last week off from running, I am ready to get back into it. I did not end up running on Saturday morning. I spent time cleaning instead. The house needed it and I didn't have time to do both in the morning. Then I was off and running for the day...

I got that tattoo I'd been talking about. "Believe" on my wrist; nothing else.  First, as I suspected, nothing else would fit next to it. What I wanted would've had to have been too large because of the details. I'd been thinking of not getting something additional anyway; sticking with just the word. I wasn't disappointed when they said it could go there, it just wouldn't be detailed. I now have a permanent reminder to never stop believing in myself. I will always remember the steps I've taken to become who I am today.

It's interesting to think about how I've changed inside as well as outside. I'm much friendlier now. I think that in the past I was so afraid of rejection I just stayed in my little comfort zone and didn't go out of my way to talk to others. It wasn't that I didn't want to. It's that I was too afraid. I didn't like who I was...So why on earth would anyone else?

I'm much more open now. I talk to people that I don't know, although I'm not always the first to start the conversation. I've met some really cool new people this summer.  I'm more direct than ever before, but not in an obnoxious over-bearing way (at least I don't think so). It's sort of freeing to just say what I feel (okay, within reason) and not worry about sending someone running in the other direction. Well...I may worry but I no longer fear that. It's bound to happen. Not everyone in the world will want to be my friend.

I feel like now that I'm more outgoing I'm perceived as nicer than before.  It wasn't that I was mean. I was insecure. I didn't want to be rejected so I just didn't talk, unless approached. Now? I'm warm and friendly. I smile and shake the hands of people that I meet. I talk to them. I'm no longer afraid that I'll say the wrong thing and they'll reject me.
WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?

Honestly I thought that, even a few months ago, I was quiet.  Now all of the sudden I'm coming out of my shell. Maybe it's the people I've been hanging around with. They seem to accept me for who I am. Maybe having that acceptance from people I didn't know well before (or at all) has made me realize that people aren't going to run from me. I'll admit that I do fear losing them now... What if they change their mind? There are some pretty awesome people in my life right now and I would honestly be crushed if they walked away, but overall... I'm okay.

I will say that in some ways I have always been a confident person, but in other ways I was very insecure. I was shy because of fear. That fear was, in part, because of my weight. I never felt beautiful. I could never dress the way that I wanted. I felt fat and ugly.  Although it appears as though I was a depressed loaner, I wasn't. I had lots of friends. I've always been very social. My family and close friends accepted and loved me. The new friends that I met were through others though. I didn't really make many friends on my own, unless I had a class with them. Generally, though, they started talking first.  It was like I needed some sort of safety net that wasn't there. I didn't want to be rejected from anyone. In my mind I pictured them thinking, "why would I want to be friends with you?" 

Wow. My self-esteem wasn't the greatest. At least not around new people or in new situations. When I was comfortable, I let the real me shine through. I was my bubbly, outgoing self around the people I knew well. 

I'm not afraid anymore. I don't hold back like I used to. I've learned that the risk of missing out on something that could be great is worse than the risk of rejection.  If you're rejected, you can overcome it. Never knowing what could've happened would be, in my opinion, far worse.  How do you overcome a lifetime of "what if..."  This doesn't just apply to our relationships with others, but in other life events too.

We have to learn to face our fears. We have to learn that failure is okay because we all have to fail sometimes. We can get over disappointment. We make our way through sorrow.  We are never able to answer "what if..." if we never even try. 

This reminds me of a Winnie the Pooh quote...

“You can't always sit in your corner of the forest and wait for people to come to you... You have to go to them sometimes.”

Enough on personal growth.

Now... As you may or may not know, depending on whether you've read other posts, I took a week off from my typical exercise. I needed to recharge. I just needed a change of pace for a bit.  Last week instead of my typical routine, I did walked and biked instead.  It was nice to break out of my typical routine. I need to vary things now and then or else I start to lose interest. I like being kept on my toes sometimes.

I am ready to jump back into my 10K training...Which starts today; with a four mile run.  Part of me thinks that this is a little ambitious since I haven't ran in over a week. Then I remind myself that I don't have to run fast. Slow and steady.... I'll be just fine.  I need to stop focusing on my mile time and putting that kind of pressure on myself.

I have a bit of a new plan, thanks to my change in activity last week. I would go home from work, relax for a bit and eat dinner one (small), then do an hour walk, then I'd do whatever I needed to get done and eat dinner two before biking.

My changes...

1. I will run, right away after work.

I don't care how badly I want to watch whichever episode of Friends is on (especially since I have every episode on DVD and can watch it anytime I want). I do not need to sit and relax for "just 30 minutes..." or "just an hour..."  When I do this I start to get hungry, so then I eat dinner, and delay my workout even more. 
 *Writing this post so doesn't count  (today anyway)!

2. I will do more strength training; more than the 10K training suggests. This will be done after running.

I haven't been doing BR so I've been severely lacking in my ST. I need to do it.  It doesn't need to be a BR workout, but I need to do some sets of body weight training and some weight training with weights...Not a lot, but I need to get back into it. As odd as this sounds, I miss feeling the pain in my muscles.

3. If I decide to do a second workout, I'll do a BR later in the evening.

It's 12 minutes...I think I can manage that. I've seen how much people have changed doing only BR (daily). It's impressive, if the pictures are correct. Sometimes I wonder...

I was thinking that I had another change or two that I'd thought of, but if I had, I've promptly lost them. I think that three small changes to my plan is probably enough for now. 

Bonus! I just looked at the BR page and the last one listed is not the typical  interval workout. It's actually ST, based on reps.  There are, of course, some cardio intervals in the mix. I guess I'll be doing a BR after my run....Looks like a good routine; and a good way to get some ST done.

Speaking of workouts and procrastination....I guess I should get to it. 

Have a great week everyone!

XOXO



1 comment:

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