Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Anxious for Surgery.

I want more surgery. I wish I could have more surgery this fall but it's just not possible. I don't have enough time off saved up (due to having been off in the spring for my last surgery). I also don't want to put anything else on my Care Credit account until my most recent surgery is paid off. It works like a credit card, but if paid off within a year, I don't have to pay the insane interest rate. That's what I'm going for at this point.  $800 a month is enough for now... I don't need six months of even higher payments. I also registered for a half marathon in February. I'm certainly not going to be in any condition to do a half marathon if I have surgery in November or December.

For those reasons, I have to wait.

I'm not good at waiting. In fact, I am quite impatient when I want something. I don't like waiting, when I want something to happen I'm ready to spring into action immediately. Sometimes that can lead me being a little impulsive but generally when I want something big to happen, I have at least a week or so to think it over. I don't make huge, life altering decisions on a whim. I'm too cautious for that... Interesting that a person can be so impatient and so cautious at the same time, isn't it? I guess it depends on what it is and the situation.

Despite knowing that my next surgery won't happen until next year, I remain anxious.  I remember writing that I was going to wait until next fall to have it done. I hated how it was hot and I had to wear that compression garment. I hated that I couldn't swim or wear the cute summer clothes that I wanted to wear because of it. 

Now that I'm a decent amount of time away from surgery, it really wasn't THAT bad.  It was only part of the summer. I was able to take it off just after the 4th of July, and before that I was down to just part of the time (but I chose to wear it all the time). I got to enjoy half of the summer, so that's better than none of it!

I've changed my mind - again. I do not want to wait until next fall. That's still over a year away. I don't think I can last that long.  I want my lower body lift done soooo badly. The skin on my hips and thighs drives me nuts. My thighs are ugly. I already have some cellulite (thanks, genetics) but excess skin on top of that is a nightmare. That little bit of skin on each hip bothers me too, as does my excess arm skin.

As far as my thighs are concerned, I know that my full results aren't going to show until about a year after surgery... I know that I'm not even at the six month mark. I know my skin will continue to heal and that it won't look as bad for long, but it bothers me.  I doubt that it will improve to the point that I want it to.

I know that it isn't fat, but it makes me feel fat. Interestingly because that's MY perception, I feel like other people must look at me in the same way. I still feel like the fat girl.  It's annoying because I know I'm not. I've lost weight. But then my ugly thighs and I hang out with someone with amazing legs and I look at how awful I must look in pictures, next to those nice legs.

I know I've come a long way. I should be, and am, happy with what I've accomplished. Overall I feel good about myself. My health is good. I can do more than I ever could, or wanted to, in the past. I've likely added years to my life, in terms of my health. I look better. I feel more confident. Because of those things I'm happier...And yes I can honestly say I'm happier because I've lost weight. My attitude and thought patterns wouldn't have changed had I not lost the weight.

Anyway, I'm so ready for more surgery. I can't wait to get these last couple areas corrected so that I can finally look at myself and like what I see. I know that, in general, most of us see our flaws no matter what. I'm sure I will. I'm not going to be perfect and I don't expect to be. I just want to look better and feel happier about how I look.

Some people wear their skin like a badge of honor. That's not me. I don't like it. I actually prefer the look of it when filled out with fat. At least then I don't look like I have the body of some old woman. Some people opt to do surgery and others do not. This is the path I want to take. This is the decision that's right for me.

I'll wear my scars as a badge of honor.  I look at my tummy tuck scar now and I like it. Sure, it's ugly.... I mean, it's a scar! That scar is the reminder of the work I've done. Sometimes I run my fingers over it to see what it feels like and I'm amazed that it is there. Amazed because I didn't think I would ever lose all that weight.  Having gone through surgery is my motivation to continue to live healthy, because wasting over twenty thousand dollars (by the time I'm done) isn't something that I'm going to do.

I suppose that's it... My body has, once again, been on my mind a lot lately. Maybe that's vanity, maybe it's not. I don't know. I suppose it's how you look at it.  All I know is that I want to look the best I possibly can. I'm happy overall but that will make me even happier. It's what I want to do in order to feel a little better about myself....


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