Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Something I Haven't Thought About

I've written many times about being the fat girl, feeling like the fat girl, and probably a bit about how it felt to be judged as the fat girl.  People didn't take the time to get to know me. They saw me for what I looked like. They didn't take time to get to know me; they really didn't care. I'm sure some passed judgement and thought "what a cow."

I don't think anyone is non-judgemental. I'll admit to being that way sometimes. At times I think, "you jerk that wasn't nice!" At other times I'm just plain mean about it and even though I know it's not nice, I think it anyway. That's usually reserved for special circumstances involving people I don't particularly care for. Yes, I sometimes have Mean Girl Syndrome..In my head anyway. I'm not outwardly mean. Honestly though, who doesn't?

I got off-track (what else is new?).  I was saying that I've always felt the hurt of being the at girl. Even now that I'm no longer the fat girl, I still feel that way sometimes.  I look at other fat girls and have empathy (unless I don't like them for another reason).  I realize that I don't know their stories. Maybe they're happy and just fine with how they are (Good for them!!!). Maybe they're unhappy. I don't know why they're fat. Whatever it for them, I empathize with the feeling of how other people treat them. Sometimes I wanna say, "hey...we're alike." Other times I wanna "save" them. Most of time I just feel empathy for a moment and that's it. 

There's a new side to this that I didn't even consider...

I'm not the fat girl. People (other than me and a jerk here and there) don't see me as the fat girl. The fat girls? They don't know I once was one. They probably think I've been healthy forever. I never considered the fact that maybe when I look at them they think I'm judging them... They may think I don't understand them. They may not understand me.

I've heard people talk about me behind my back, which means just out of ear shot because so many people are such awesome grown-ups...Not that I'm better because I may have responded with my own just out of ear shot remark. They make nasty comments about my outfit or whatever. I've been guilty of that.

Honestly when I think or say something like that it is for one of two reasons... One, I am jealous over something (better hair; bigger boobs) or I'm honestly revolted at the sight of them. As for me... Now I don't know where I fall... In the past I was sure I fell under revolting. Who would be jealous of fat me? I mean, I knew where I stood. Or thought I did. Now I could be in either category (although I could find 100 people who disagree with revolting quite easily).  Basically I'm saying that I hear the comments from "the haters."

Time out.... Girls are jealous of me!?

I'm not just assuming this. This was brought to my attention by someone else and now I've just had time to process it a bit and I "get" what was said. I'm really no longer the fat girl. Now I'm judged for being... "the hot girl" (someone else's words; I'm not so in love with myself that I'd say that). More than that; when I look at the fat girl and she thinks I'm judging her she might be judging me back... Assuming that I'm healthy and I don't know what it's like, and promptly deciding I'm a jerk.

I have never even considered being in that role...I know my story. I know where I've come from. No one else knows that though. Now I might be judged for being healthy rather than for being fat. Now that I have more confidence it doesn't bother me as much.

The bottom line is that no matter what you look like, love yourself. Be confident. There will always be people in life who judge you. And you'll judge others too. It's human nature. What's important though is that you love you and you see yourself in a positive way. 


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