Tuesday, September 18, 2012

The Battle Within

I'm going to start by saying that yesterday's plan sort of fell apart.  It was storming so that meant no walking the dogs. Instead of 30 on the tread and an hour walk, I did just over an hour on the tread (which luckily wasn't as dreadful as I expected).  The rain also put me out of my cleaning mood, so no organization was done. Plus the CMA festival was on and I HAD to watch!! So instead of organizing, I did that. And I made some embroidery floss bracelets (like the kind I made when I was a kid!)....Which totally distracted me and I forgot to plan my workouts. Ooooooooooops.  Maybe I will plan tonight.

That's the update.... On to new thoughts.

I was listening to one of my Kelly Clarkson CDs today (yes, I still buy CDs even though I have an ipod, ipad, and iphone - because I am cool and think CDs are awesome!) and I started thinking about one of her songs in a different way. For anyone who has heard "The War is Over," you'll know that it's about walking away from a bad relationship.  Whether it be a romantic relationship or a friendship, you're leaving something that's been hurtful.

To me, this song is about... Me. Well, the me I used to be. It's about making a change in life that's going to be best for you. My old self was kind of a jerk. I called myself names. I hurt myself (not intentionally but my actions did). I told myself I wasn't good enough. I allowed myself to be treated badly. I was abusive to myself. I struggled, for a while, to become healthier. I'd start eating healthy then stop. I'd workout and then stop.  Even when I'd see results, I'd stop. I just couldn't seem to stick to it. I'd get frustrated that it took so long and I'd give up. My old self would say, "why are you even trying? It's never going to happen." My old self made me cry. A lot. Then I'd comfort myself, typically with food, and it'd feel better... So I would forgive my old self.  I'd smile on the outside and no one would know how mean I was to myself. They didn't know what bothered me. For all they knew I was content being "the fat girl."

Then one day I decided to tell my old self to shut up. For good. I decided that I was no longer going to listen to that voice in my head.... The one that told me I was worthless, fat, and that I'd never be attractive. I stopped listening to negative words of others too. I guess when I decided not to listen to my own harsh words, the words of others seemed less hurtful too.

The moment I decided to change, I accepted myself for how I looked. I didn't like it and knew it had to change.  In that moment I learned to love myself - to REALLY love myself.... To love myself before anyone or anything else. When I did that, everything seemed to fall into place. Suddenly I was dedicated. I was motivated. I was unstoppable. I was determined to be healthy. Along the way I learned who I really am.

Like in the song, I finally stopped pretending that everything was okay. I started being stronger - not letting the nasty words of my old self take over. I wouldn't give in. The unhealthy behaviors needed to stop... I was never going back, no matter how many times that negative voice popped into my head. I was done allowing my old self to hurt me. I was done listening to my old self tell me I wasn't worthy. Instead I told that voice that it wasn't worthy... That it needed to go away because I wasn't going to let it make me unhappy anymore. 

In a little under three months, it will have been three years since I initiated my lifestyle change. It will be three years that marks me winning the war. Sure there have been ups and downs. There have been small battles along the way. If they lead me off-track for a week, or a day, I found my strength and battled my way back to where I had been; back to happiness.  We all have bad days, and that's okay... What's important is that we don't give up.  No matter what the goal or the dream, keeping working to achieve it. I have times when I allow that old voice to creep back into my head. It doesn't last long before I defeat it.

This time the war inside of me was over - for good.


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