I love my boyfriend. That's pretty obvious. I've never been the type to rely on anyone else to "make" me happy and always rolled my eyes when someone would say something like, "oh he makes me so happy." I always wondered if they didn't feel happy on their own. Why give someone else so much power? Why allow yourself to be happy because someone else makes you feel that way? I didn't get it. Single or in a relationship, I did not get it. I always maintained that I make myself happy and that I never would rely on someone else for that.
I've learned a thing or two recently. Sometimes when someone says, "he makes me so happy" it doesn't mean that they weren't happy before. I'm happy with myself... Most of the time (we all have our days!). But I've discovered a different type of happiness... A true happiness in a relationship where it isn't dependant on anything but each other. A happiness that money can't buy. A happiness that isn't forced. It just comes naturally. While I still don't like the wording, "he makes me happy" because it still (to me) sounds as though the person isn't happy before, I get it. I get that saying that doesn't mean that. But it is true, He DOES make me happy. Happy in a way that no one else ever has. Am I still happy with myself? Yes, of course. How he feels about me doesn't determine how I feel about myself (although in the past, for me, that has happened in relationships - and NOT in a good way). I'm a much different person than I used to be. I've come to a place where I love and accept myself. I honestly think that I had to discover this in order to feel happy and free inside... I had to discover his in order to find myself in a relationship that does, in fact, make me happy.
Wow...I feel like I'm rambling and not saying much of anything. Or saying too much of the same thing. The basic version? I am happy with myself, but my boyfriend makes me happy too; in a different way."
That being said, you should all know how amazing he is. He's supportive and encouraging. He is willing to try (some) new (healthier!) foods. When it's something that I think might be too "weird" or too much of a shock to his All-American burger-dog-chip style diet, he appreciates that I take the time and effort to cook him something that's more appealing to him. I frequently make something general and then make little tweaks so it fits my healthier diet. Sometimes I end up buying more groceries, but that's okay. I do not push him to eat my healthy diet and offer him options. He doesn't push me to eat his unhealthy stuff (although it would, most certainly, be an easier task for him - not as much arm twisting here). He doesn't mind that it means that, sometimes, dinner takes a little longer because I have to make two of something. He waits for me to get done making my lightened up version before he eats.
He also encourages me to workout... I used to feel guilty about taking time to workout when I felt like I should give him all my time and attention. He's okay with the fact that I might spend an hour of our day in the basement. I generally try to do this before he is up and ready, while he's on the phone with his Dad or buddies, or when he takes a little nap. I find a way to fit it into my day so that I can still workout and spend time with him. I suppose that being farther into this relationship is helpful on that. If I workout and he isn't around, he'll ask if I worked out and then ask how it was. He has taken an interest in the 30-60 minutes (or more sometimes) of my day that I'm doing something I enjoy. He does that with everything, actually. He always asks how my day was, how something went, or whatever can be asked about what I've done when we're apart. And I do the same for him.
He gives me compliments. Some are so sweet, like when he calls me "beautiful" or tells me how nice I look. Some are things that don't seem as sweet but that I LOVE. Like when he notices my muscle. I may flex at times, but I like when he comments on the changes and compliments me on that. Given that I haven't done so much ST lately (my workouts haven't been that great, honestly) so I won't be flexing anytime soon, but when I do, he says things that make me feel like I'm really making some good progress. Just the other day he told me, "maybe you're making me an ass-man." He's, historically, been a boob guy. My boobs are okay, but my butt wins (I think anyway). He smacked me (in a playful way; no worries) and made a comment about how my butt is different since we started dating. He thinks it's smoother/more firm. Cool. Guess that glute work is paying off!!
The odd thing about that is that I put on about 30 pounds over the course of this relationship (now I'm about 20 pounds heavier, but still heavier). Interesting that the scale says I weight more, I was certain that my butt had gotten fatter, but he's noticed it's in better shape. Guess the gain was more wide-spread and that the work I'm putting in IS really paying off. Also? The fact that he noticed this and is turning into a butt guy makes me want to work that much harder. I'm already working to lose weight and build muscle, but now I want to be sure I'm doing more glute-focused exercises. Despite the fact that I'm heavier and I'm not wearing the same size clothes I had been, I feel pretty good. I feel like I'm working out more than I did over the summer (sometimes; other times it seems like I'm not... I guess maybe it's WHAT I'm doing and the fact that I've incorporated more weights). I'm also eating healthier than I did over the summer. And consuming fewer adult beverages.
Weight loss is still a goal... I want to weigh no more than what I was when we met. I'd like to drop more pounds than that, though. I'm working on it and I feel like I'm being healthier about it than I had been recently. I'm cooking more and eating actual meals rather than whatever I found. I dropped a bunch of weight a month or so ago but I wasn't eating enough. I had too many sub-1200 calorie days. Of course I dropped a lot. And I gained it right back. UGH... WHY would I allow that to happen? I KNOW better, yet I still do stupid stuff sometimes. At any rate, I'm back on the losing track and weigh less than I did in December (my highest recent weight). I'm also not obsessed with the scale. I weighed myself today because I haven't weighed myself in so long. When I do I tend to get way too focused on the numbers and watching the scale go down. That's most likely what lead me to dropping weight in an unhealthy way a month or so ago. The scale does crazy things to my head. I need to use it to weigh in once a month or so. I can't even do once a week because even that makes me obsess and then once a week leads to twice, and then three times, and then daily. I'm really trying to focus on just living healthy - eating good, healthy foods and working out. If I do those things (especially focus on the eating), the weight loss will come....Without the obsession.
Another thing? He's supportive during all of this craziness. Of course I have this better mental perspective so I'm not exactly driving him nuts with weight talk. If I stay off the scale it's better for me.... But even if I were to get tangled up in some crazy obsessiveness, he'd tolerate it. I'm also pretty sure he'd try to give me some other encouraging words to help me through it. I'm still being healthy but not in an obsessive way. I love that whether I was acting like a crazy scale-obsessed person or not, he's there for me.
So that is that. He's amazing. And I had to brag.
And on to another topic... I really need to sit down and revise my schedule. I've learned that one of my problems is that I try to pack in too much. I think I'll make some time to do that this weekend between packing and fun festivities. I didn't end up re-starting my half marathon training as planned because my schedule was a hot mess. And that needs to be my focus right now. I've also decided to hold off on starting CLX again until I move. With my schedule lately it's too hard to get that much in. I think that for right now I need to start with more a schedule that's more manageable. When I move I'll be close to work so getting up in the morning and doing CLX will be a lot easier. Each workout is 30-some minutes long. I can easily get up and get that done before I have to get ready for work. Now I had to get up super early to do that and it's just been kind of crazy and "too much" for me lately. I think I'm failing at following a schedule because my schedule is too much for me to actually accomplish right now. Anyway, I will continue to do some ST but in the madness that is my back-and-forth life right now, I'm not sticking to a set schedule with CLX. I'll use some TIU moves instead and make them work better with my half training schedule.
With that, I need to get moving! I want to get my workout done so that I can get dinner started and we can relax for the evening.
Have a fabulous weekend!!!