Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Letting it Go

While lying in bed last night, I was thinking about how much different my life is, even compared to just a year ago. It's always amazing how much you can change in the course of what seems like a short period of time.  Sometimes a change in a situation is just what you need.  Right now I feel as though things are going pretty well for me - nothing is perfect, so I'm not writing from some fantasy World where I think everything is perfect in my life.  There is always room to improve yourself.  We all have things that we could be working on - some of us do and others do not. I definitely do not have it all together. There are still things I am working on and there are things that I want. Admittedly, I'm growing a bit impatient waiting for those things to happen - it's annoying to me when the things I know I want are things I have zero control over.  Anxiety happens when we worry about the future - and that doesn't have to be a BAD thing.  You can be anxious in a good way.  And that's totally me.  I'm always planning my next goal and how to get there.  And when that requires waiting for someone else or a system to get their pieces in places, it becomes frustrating.  So what I'm doing now is trying to focus more on the current. Of course, it is good to have goals and such for the future and I'll continue to strive for them - I'm just trying to do so with less focus so that I'm not getting so frustrated.  And annoyed.

Back to my original thought - I'm happier now than I was a year ago. Much happier. What's changed? Not a lot - my employment, which apparently had more impact on me than I knew.  I am doing a job that I kept thinking I needed to wait longer to do - for whatever reason.  Finally, something (be it God or a force that you believe in, but something) pushed me into the place I needed to be. Not only did I NEED to be there, it's a place I wanted to be. I'm working in a office doing private practice therapy. And. I. Love. It.  THIS is the reason I got my Master of Social Work. This is what I feel I was meant to do.  This is what I love.

A year ago I was struggling to be happy with what I was doing.  I had been in the same type of place of ten years. I thought that a different position within that field was what I needed.  It really wasn't.  It was more work (and less pay initially) and although it was the same type of place, it wasn't the same place.  I found myself missing my previous job more often than I thought.  And you know, it was mostly the co-workers.  Sure, there are obnoxious people and where ever you work. We can have complaints about others at any time.  What I found though was that I was lacking a sense of belonging that I had at the employer before that. Almost immediately I fit in at my former place of employment.  The last one? Not so much.  I felt like the cliques were a lot stronger there.  And I struggled to fit into the clique that I "should" have been in.  I quickly learned that I felt stronger connections to those who were not at a supervisory level.  The work was not as much with people which was difficult for me as well. I majored in Social Work to work WITH people...Not to be bombarded with ridiculous amounts of paperwork and to only have interaction with people when someone was "misbehaving" in the eyes of others.  It's funny how I felt the strongest bonds with those individuals.  I guess I need to feel like I am making a difference; touching lives.  Sitting at a desk overloaded with policies and such was NOT my thing.  So, we have.... Too much work that I didn't like combined with feeling like I didn't belong where the hierarchy said I should (AKA - some people were straight up a-holes to me...I don't like even saying that because it's probably bad karma or something but seriously... I felt alone and unhappy and there were some not so nice people there, especially  one grown-up Regina George. And I wasn't gonna be a "plastic").

God works in mysterious ways.  Everything happens for a reason.

True and true.

I am exactly where I needed to be and even more cool - where I wanted to be.

So last night, as I was thinking of this, I felt so thankful.  How I got here was a bit of a twisty, hilly path, but I made it to where I wanted and needed to be.  I feel so much less stress. I feel so much more happiness.  I love what I do.  So why is it that when I started to think of my past stress, and in particular the a-hole grown-up Regina George, I felt myself get upset.  I could feel my anger in my back.  I typically carry my tension in my neck and upper back but this filled my middle back.  It's amazing how even after being removed from  a situation for a while, I can still let it get to me.

Why? That's done. It's in the past.  I never have to speak to the a-hole grown-up Regina George again. If I see her in a store, I don't HAVE to say a word.  Generally I am a fairly pleasant person but I don't even want this person near me. She was toxic to me.  Naturally, some of this is on me for allowing the actions of another person to get to me so much (most likely what she wanted)... But do you know how freeing it is to realize you don't have to talk to someone who you don't want to talk to? SO awesome!!!

Not long ago someone from my past sent me a message and wanted to get together for lunch or dinner as "friends" to discuss something that happened in the past (like seven years ago...?).  Why do people do this? Why do they dwell on things that occurred so long ago? This person realized some things that they wanted to share with me.  I didn't see the sense in all of that. I was honest and said we are not "friends" --  because we aren't.  I'm not going to pretend to have a friendship with someone when there is no basis for a friendship. I offered that they send me another message to tell me.  The person wanted to share it in person rather than on social media.  Okay, well, then, no.  I have absolutely zero reason to see that person and the only reason they wanted to speak to me was to feel better. I don't carry anything with me from that situation. At all.  I'm a different person in a much better and happier place in life. I don't need to feel better because I'm happy and at peace. Why would I want to allow that back into my life?  With the advancement of technology, there is no reason that whatever it was couldn't have been sent in a message... I also happen to think that if someone was "dying" to say those things to me, they'd do it in whatever means offered.  Sorry, buddy, you don't hold any type of control over me anymore and I'm not about to enter into a situation where I would feel uncomfortable. Also? I'm not that curious about whatever it is you wanted to say.  I've let all of that go.

In fact I've let a lot go. For the first time I don't really hold any anger toward an ex, which was something I did a lot in life.  Even in a new relationship, I'd still be pissed off at the last jerk who did something to hurt me. I don't have that anymore. I'm not curious about what any of my ex's were thinking or about what they're doing now.  Is that what happens when you find real true love? I've said "I love you" before but maybe this is the first I've actually felt that true love. Hmm... I guess I do have a belief that you can love people but when you have that one true love, it's unlike anything else. That was a total random thought that took me in a different direction.... Anyway... I'm so at peace with those past things now that I have released all of those feelings and thoughts into the universe or something.

The thing is that no matter what has happened in the past, it doesn't have to be in my future.  I don't have to acknowledge the existence of those who have made me feel a certain way or who treated me poorly.  If a person or thing is not going to have a positive impact on my life or is going to disturb my personal harmony....I don't have to acknowledge it.  I hope I'm presenting this in a positive manner rather than as in a manner that makes me look like another variety of a-hole.

I've learned to empower myself, to stand up for myself...So much of me has changed. Honestly, that happened when I started to lose weight. I guess something clicked that made me realize that I deserved happiness that I wasn't allowing myself to have.  Getting healthy physically helped me to become healthy mentally. I firmly believe that the physical and mental go hand-in-hand.

Now that I've finally let the past go I need to stop worrying about the future so much. This is a HARD thing to do when you're one of those "I know what I want and I'm going for it" people. A bit impatient? Totally me.

Now I'm off to go do some yoga because that's one thing that really helps me to feel balanced and at peace.  There is a mental and physical release that comes with  yoga and it makes me feel so happy and free.  And let's face it, writing about all that has my back feeling a little tight....But yet I feel an inner-calm at the same time. Maybe I just have bad posture right now!

After yoga, I think I'll do a run because it looks lovely outside and a run sounds amazing.... I love these days where I have long lunch periods.  I take full advantage of them because I'm lucky I have them when I do. There are some days I am super busy so these days are much appreciated.

XOXO


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