Wednesday, February 24, 2016

That Strange Thing That Happened.

Yesterday was a bit of a crazy day so my workouts were all over the place. I got them done; just had to break them up into three different times. So, I got an hour of legs done in the morning. Legs were torture yesterday.  I added weight and, dang, was it harder than I thought. Who knew what a difference five more pounds could make.  I may have added it too soon... Thinking back I'm not sure what I thought about my form throughout the sets. The first few were okay but I probably should have taken a few pounds off later. I don't know - it's always hard to tell; is it my brain saying "ugh this is too hard" or is it actually more difficult than it should be....Which is correct? Today my legs don't feel as sore as they did last week, so I'm guessing it was more my brain than anything yesterday. So that was done before work.

I had a longer lunch but it was my Papa's 89th Birthday yesterday so I planned to spend some time there. I went home and ran a quick two miles and walked for the remainder of the time to cool down, showered for the second time, and then went to see my grandparents. It was not a scheduled running day, but I just felt like running... I ended up doing some speed work intervals, so that was nice. Anyway, after lunch, it was back to work until eight (Tuesdays is my group night).

I got home just after eight and watched the second half of the Kentucky (basketball) game.  I knew I wanted to get that other 30 minutes of cardio done, so I sacrificed part of the next game (Michigan State) to do Combat 30.

A strange thing happened during combat.

It was easy. Like way easier than last time I did it. I had a hard time getting my heart rate to go up. Even with all the jumping and punching, it didn't go higher than 140.... And that was when I was really pushing the jump kicks just to get my heart rate up.  Mostly it stayed in the 130s.  I was able to work up a sweat with all the jumping around but as far as my heart rate; definitely not as high as during other things.  BUT it was a nice way to end the active part of my evening. I really enjoy  combat but now I'm starting to think that it should be come an extra... Maybe an active rest day activity.  Or maybe I'll just keep tossing it in whenever I decide it would be fun to do.  I guess we'll see.

I'm not sure if it's the weights; the weight loss; the fact that I've been doing harder cardio... OR WHAT, but Combat just felt so much easier and less intense than it had for a while. Strange. Good strange, but strange. Since it was nine in the evening, I didn't take pre-workout. I was actually super tired so it doesn't seem that it should've felt so easy. I guess, for me, it seems like when I'm tired, everything is about ten times harder.  My brain must have just been ready, despite being sleepy. I really like that it wasn't as intense because it didn't keep me up. If I do intense cardio too late at night, I am wired about have trouble sleeping.  I was worried about that before I started but really wanted to get that other 30 minutes in.

I have managed to stay off the scale, despite the fact that I keep wanting to jump on just because I'm curious. I'm working really hard to stay away from it. I have a tendency to get obsessive about loss. If I am on that thing too often, then I'll worry too much. For example, say as of today I haven't lost any weight since Friday. My brain would go "but you were consistently losing, so what's the problem?" Then I'll worry about what I ate over the weekend and if I've flushed away enough sodium, and on and on... Sometimes I push harder to workout more.  It just gets to be too consuming. So I'm really trying to limit it to once a week, on Friday mornings since that's when I started tracking it again. It just really starts to mess with my head... As does the full length mirror. I start to look, almost obsessively, for the changes in my body - even though I know that changes are not seen (especially by oneself) that quickly. It. Takes. A. While.  I'm doing weekly progress pictures just to keep track, but I have to keep hiding the mirror from myself. I had it out last week and then realized, "nope, I can't do this." It triggers me to look at my body and think negative things. So, that's enough of that nonsense. It's only allowed out on Fridays. I keep forgetting to do measurements which are really important, so I'm going to try to remember to start that on Friday as well. I'm bummed that I've forgotten to do that (although that day I went to the doc, I was sick, and measuring wasn't even a consideration). But, that's okay... I'll start here and continue to watch the changes.  I used to measure weekly, which seems to often to me.  I used to do them every couple weeks, or monthly, to monitor progress.  I guess I'll see what I feel most comfortable with when I start.

So that's the update for now... I'm actually quite proud of myself for taking a few minutes here and there to blog again. It's SO much easier to do when I am focused on my fitness and health and weight loss.... When I feel like I'm not giving it my all, or trying, it's a lot harder to write. But when I'm doing good things or have progress to share, it's much easier. This keeps me motivated and helps to keep me on track.  So, I really need to stick with it, even when things are difficult.

Hope your week is going well!!


Monday, February 22, 2016

Week Two Wrap-Up

Week two went super well!!! I think I mentioned in another post that my lifting is improving.  I can lift heavier and I feel like it's transitioning to other areas of working out. I consistently upped my weight throughout the second week and today, the start of the third week, I upped it again.  However, some of the moves I may have gone too heavy because I'm questioning my form. We'll see though later this week.

 I feel that my running is improving again (yay!!!) and I have more energy in my other workouts (generally Turbofire right now).  I mentioned I lost some weight (11.2 pounds).  I am really trying NOT to get on the scale until Friday, as that's the day I went to the doctor. I was very tempted to peek but decided that would not be a good idea, especially considering I must have a ton of sodium running through my body from eating out this weekend.  Which, by the way, I'm really starting to not enjoy again.  I work my butt off lifting and running and whatever else. I torch some major calories. Do you know how bad a restaurant meal is in terms of calories? And, seriously, even those "light meals" at restaurants are not always so light.  My friends and I went out for Mexican on Saturday... Between margaritas and food, it wasn't pretty.  I thought to myself, "I just ingested what I burned." Luckily (?) I was so busy I hadn't eaten much (pre-workout, workout fuel, and a protein shake) so I had a lot of calories to work with. I just don't want to eat back what I burn... It makes me all stressy. And despite the good it does for my body, I feel like all that work is wasted by eating crappy restaurant food.

Hmm...This may be the part where I withdraw even more.  Actually, no. It won't be.  I only get together with this group every couple months so a splurge is okay now and then. I just have to continue to avoid take-out. I feel like my family has gone out a lot lately though because of celebrating various things. It feels like we've met for dinner weekly lately but I'm sure it's not been that bad... I think it's just because we went out two weeks in a row. I think... Something like that. I'd have to look back. BUT the point is that I really need to keep up with the healthy foods. And hopefully next time I go out with friends it won't be the day after going out with family.  I've been downing the water like crazy because I can FEEL the sodium. I know it'll be gone in a day or so, but I really don't like it. I work too hard for this nonsense.

So my two week weight loss was crazy. I don't expect it to continue to be that quick, although it sure would be awesome.  I did not expect to lose 11 pounds in two weeks. I thought that would be more like a monthly thing. I'm sure it was the change in routine that caused such a large loss so fast.  This is not typical. It will not always happen this quickly. However, I'm going to continue to work hard so that loss happens, as I need to continue to lose for quite a while.

After week two I am feeling stronger and still loving my workouts. I haven't gotten bored or felt like "oh I don't want to do this." Not once.  I feel like the old me again... Workouts are not a drag (this wasn't often that they were anyway but some days...). Workouts are one of the best parts of my day. I look forward to them. I'm even getting out of bed earlier for them - even on nights I haven't slept well!! Yes, friends, I am feeling like I am back to where I need to be. Such a huge part of this journey is mental and I am definitely in a good place as far as working out and eating well.

I have to add that I think my pre-workout is helping me to feel more energized during my workouts. I didn't really know that I noticed a difference before but lately I am.  I also am using it more consistently. I take my pre-workout drink about half an hour before I start. I also fuel after weights, before cardio (if it's all done at once) with some energy chews.  I am sure to drink a bottle (22 oz) of water during weights. I also try to drink that during cardio. If it's a longer run day, I'll aim for one half way through and refill.  I think that really paying attention to my hydration is helping as well.  I have protein shakes after workouts which is ending up to be pretty much breakfast since I've been trying to get them done early.

Today was a little bit of an odd day. I did my weights and 30 min of Turbofire this morning. I have a three and-a-half mile run on the schedule for today but at lunch only had time for just over two (had to do that, eat, and shower again before going back to work).  I'm happy to have been able to squeeze that in. Tomorrow will be similar to today - weights an probably a quick turbofire (30 min) in the morning. I'm not sure if I'll get to another cardio or not. It's the night I do group for work. And it's my Grandpa's birthday so I'm going to visit my Grandparents for lunch rather than going home.  I'm not quite sure where I'll fit in more cardio, unless I do it after I get home tomorrow night... Which would be around 8:00. If I'm being realistic, I don't see that happening. I'll have time to do both my weights and miles and the cardio the rest of the week, so I'm not too concerned. AND, I've gotten something done so it's not like I'm totally slacking or something... I would like more but I'm also a realist. Tomorrow will be okay...I keep telling myself that.

So that's the update for now... I'm taking progress pictures but keeping those to myself right now.  I don't really want to plaster too much of myself around the internet. And let's face it progress pictures are generally with lots of skin exposed. I just don't think that's so appropriate. Or what I want anyone to see right now.

Hope you had a fantastic weekend!!!! Make it a great week!!


Friday, February 19, 2016

Lift Heavy, Chicks!

So there's been a long-standing belief that if ladies life heavy weights, they'll bulk up. There's a ton of information out there refuting this but some ladies still want to believe it. I promise you, the ladies who look like body builders get that way intentionally for competitions and such. They do more than an average heavy lift session. They take supplements and work to get to that shape.  Lifting heavy a few times a week isn't going to make you bulk up. We don't naturally bulk up from just lifting heavy.

You know what happens?

You build muscle.

You know what muscle does?

It burns fat.

You know what fat burning does?

You lose weight.

That's what happens when you lift heavy.

Now I should say with what I'm saying next... Results not typical. Bodies are different. Weight loss is faster depending on your starting weight.  Medications you take can impact it. Lots of factors go into weight loss.

Two weeks ago I went to the doctor, naturally I got weighed.  It was not what pretty but I expected it. Part of why I went to the doctor was to address that. The following Monday I started my new plan. I'm nearing the end of week two. So today, two weeks after going to the doctor I've dropped a decent amount of weight. I expected to lose some but not as much as the scale says. Unless my scale is crazy far off (which I'm testing by having others use their scales and then mine when they're over - crazy friend alert!).  I'll see if my scale is close to accurate with other scales and I'll know for sure... But if my scale is accurate, in the last two weeks I've dropped 11.2 pounds. Keep in mind, my lifting is about an hour a day.  I'm lifting as heavy as I can to failure.  I have also not binged (15 days!) and have stayed away from junk.  I'm also sticking to 30-60 minutes of cardio. I workout hard six days a week. Sundays are active rest - yoga, light walking. So it's a combination of things but I really believe that lifting heavy has been a huge factor. Nothing else has changed that much.

So, take me as proof.... Lifting heavy helps you lose weight. Period. The end. Have a nice weekend!


Wednesday, February 17, 2016


This post will be short and sweet but I wanted to share my updated.  Today's workout was arms and a 3.5 mile training run.  I have to do workouts in two sessions most days because I just don't have time to do an hour of weights and then 30-60 minutes of cardio depending on what I'm doing. It's probably not the most effective way but my workout times have changed and I have to get it done when I can. I don't mind weights in the morning.  If I give myself half an hour to have some coffee, tend to the dogs, and whatever else, I'm usually awake enough to hit the weights before work.  Early morning cardio, not so much but I'm good with the weights.  Cardio always comes later.  I used to workout after work but my schedule is so crazy and all over the place (and some nights I'm home too late to workout - like I'm tired and want to relax).  Anyway, so I had to do that "fit it in" thing today. Weights went well. I increased some for some exercises, which I've been working toward this week. I really want to go as heavy as I can and hit failure.  

The cardio is the good surprise - my run today was awesome.  I ran for longer periods of time than I have been. My plan has been intervals - and working on speed during the intervals.  Today I decided to run differently... I just let my body do what it wanted.  And I had the best run I've had in a while.  I didn't bump up the pace too much. I did my usual warm-up and then I just ran and a comfortable pace.  I took a couple quick water breaks when I needed them but walking breaks were very few and much shorter in comparison with the running portions.  I'm not sure what caused it but I took pre-workout and  my energy chews during the run so maybe that helped.  Or my endurance is just better. Or the weight lifting is helping condition me. Or a combo of all of the above.  

I guess it doesn't matter what it was, just that it felt good.  I am continuing to feel awesome. 


Tuesday, February 16, 2016

The Actual One Week Update

Okay so last week I wrote a but before I was done...  

I loved shoulder day. I knew I would. Not at all surprised! After week one of the new program, I'm feeling pretty good. I am busting my ass for at least an hour everyday. Usually an hour and a half. Sometimes two. I'm happy that I'm working toward my goals ans crushing it. Honestly? This new weight lifting plan is making me feel like kind of a bad ass. 

 I still think awful things about myself sometimes but I'm getting better about that. I should really do that dollar in a jar the whenever I do that. I can usually talk some positivyt to myself and turn it around. I need to avoid things that cause that negative thinking.  I'm really trying not to look back at where I was. That discourages me. Instead I'm just moving forward. One day at a time. I kill my workouts and feel good about myself. I'm sipping on some wine ans trying not to think "I don't need that 200 calories" it feel bad about it. Sure it's Tuesday but can't I enjoy a glass of wine withiytb asking myself feel awful!? The answer is yes. I don't need to go run snd burn it off it is okay. It's moderation. 

I haven't binged in 12 days. Considering it had become an, at least, weekly thing for a while, I'm pretty damn proud of myself. I don't keep triggers around. I don't carry much cash. Like I'm gonna use my debit card for a few bucks in junk? No. The answer is no. I think the change I workouts is part of what's helping. I feel good. I want to keep feeling good. And yes of course I want to loo good again. Actually I want to lol better - I was thin before. I want more muscle. Muscle is hot. I'm a work in progress (again). I fought before and I know I can fight again. And I will. I am. This is my life. I can't control everything in it but I can control this. And I freaking love lifting!!! 

And you know what else? I've totally been having random dance parties in the kitchen. I haven't fine that in SO long. And it's been like three mini dance parties in less than a week. To random z90s and early 2000s hip hop and rap. Ohhhh my youth!!! If ya can't enjoy life and shake it like a salt shaker is and then, you can experience life a little more fully. 


Friday, February 12, 2016

Week One Wrap-Up

I suppose I should be writing this on Sunday because week one of my new lifting plan isn't actually over until then, but I'm far enough into it to be able to post a wrap-up... Or an almost-wrap-up. Whatever.

So my legs aren't as sore today...Just in time for leg day again! Woohoo! Ha.  Actually leg day isn't that bad for me. Since I workout at home, I had to find modified moves that I could do. I don't have a leg press machine or a leg curl machine.  I researched and found that alternate moves for those exercises are lunges and deadlifts.  I use my select techs for the lunges and my bar for the deadlifts. My hammies and glutes are feeling it for sure.  I need to play around with my lunges though. I either need to lunge deeper (although I thought I was going pretty deep) or increase my weight. I didn't feel anything in my quads and considering it's a new routine, I feel like they should've been sore as well. Or maybe my quads are just that strong? I'll play around with it today and see what happens. If nothing else, I can always add a set of another quad exercise.

So in addition to every body part worked this week being sore, I already feel stronger. And tighter. I started this routine on Monday so that's probably more of a psychological thing than an actual thing. But it's okay.... Because I FEEL better.  And feeling good is what keeps me motivated even if the changes won't be seen for a while. I feel happy, strong, and kinda like a bad ass when I'm slinging those heavy (for me) weights around. As far as feeling stronger, I think I am getting stronger. Yesterday I did chest and back again. On Monday I started at one weight and had to decrease by five pounds after a couple sets.  Yesterday I was able to keep at the heavier weight for all the sets.  Maybe stronger. Maybe a better today.  Who knows, but I'll take it and I'll keep working for more strength. It's a long process but one that is well worth it.  I am really loving this program (ask me again tomorrow morning when it's post-leg day!).  Shoulders is on the agenda tomorrow which I'm excited about. I really like working my shoulders and they're one of my favorite body parts. And, the arnold press is one of the moves and that is probably my favorite shoulder move. Please tell me those last few sentences weren't weird.

Eating has been going well... I have avoided junk this week. I've not had any cravings or feelings of wanting to binge.  Last night could've been a trigger day only because I didn't eat enough during the daytime (not enough healthy snacks) and was super, super hungry when I got home and felt like I couldn't get full. I ate a snack before working out (last night was just light  cardio; did my weights in the morning), and then dinner after. I guess it just felt like I had a lot to eat in a short period of time because there was maybe an hour between the snack and dinner (while I walked). But I needed both.  I guess I've been doing so well with eating more frequently and having healthy, filling snacks, that it just seemed like I ate a lot last night.  There've been times when I've felt that way, picked up something quick, and a snack, and whatever else on the way home and binged simply because I couldn't get full.  So, small victory for me - just going home and eating normal, healthy foods. I'm on day eight of my new binge-free streak. Getting sick after binging last Thursday (same reason; on the way home, super hungry and ready for something easy and fast) may have helped with that. I'm really working to be more aware and use the HALT method to assess what's happening in my body that is triggering a binge.

H- hungry. Your stomach is empty and blood sugars are low, so your body sends urgent signals to your brain to hurry up and eat.  Eat a balanced meal.  Eat slowly. Drink tea or water (sip) for about 20 minutes and re-assess hunger.
A- anger, stress, frustration trigger instincts for aggression. Brain seeks to conquer food and get a chemical release.. Instead, do a physical activity (workout, dance, sing to angry music, rant to a friend, even taking a shower can help --- I actually teach these a lot for anxiety in therapy sessions).
L - lonely. Loneliness and disappointment.  Seek comfort food, which can lead to a binge, which then leads to feeling further isolated. Talk to someone close to you, remind yourself of others who care, distraction with a book, movie, favorite show.
T - tired. The chemicals that control appetite can be all messed up when you're tired. Your body is feeling low on energy and may compensate by asking for lots of quick sugars (cravings). Take a nap. Rest.

I would add boredom to this - maybe that goes with the loneliness.  I used to binge when I had something emotional going on. Now I don't really have those feelings of sadness/loneliness, or anger. Sometimes I'd even binge when I was happy, as in a celebration. I was able to control that the first time I lost a lot of weight.  I am also in a different place emotionally so I am not finding myself in need of that comfort as I did in the past. My triggers now are hunger and boredom. Sometimes when I'm tired it's easier to reach for quick things which are usually junk which usually turn into binges. Tiredness is a trigger but not a major one for me. Boredom hasn't been so much of one lately because I have been busy fitting workouts in when I can (now instead of one hour a day I'm up to an hour and a half to two hours; that kills boredom).

Right now my biggest trigger is hunger. I'm working on that by making sure to eat smaller amounts more often and continuing to drink water. Water really isn't a problem though. I drink so much of it that I'd have to drink constantly to make my stomach feel like it's full. I average 12.5 cups/100 ounces of water a day. And that's on a low day. I have been over that all week. Monday was my high day with 18 cups/144 ounces.

Other than work and working out, I haven't done much this week.  Between the two I'm very busy so that's a good thing! I was hoping to get out of town for the day/evening tomorrow but we're under a Winter Weather Advisory and it looks like a ton of snow is on its way, soooo probably not. I wanted to go see Disney on Ice, but not enough to drive in a potential storm. There's a Sunday afternoon show as well, so if the roads and such are decent by then, perhaps it'll be a good day for a drive. Otherwise, no Disney on Ice.  Man... I should call this No Disney February. No half marathon. Now I can't even go watch characters skate around on ice. I do have a 25% off coupon for the Disney store so maybe I'll have to cheer myself up with something small. or that Raw Threads "look like a beauty train like a beast" shirt I've been eyeing for a while now.

Hope you all are doing great and have a phenomenal weekend - oh and happy Valentine's Day!!


Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Nearly 20 Days Isn't Bad, Right?

I was going to blog more.  Good thing I don't do resolutions for the new year. I'd have failed already. I think that it being just under 20 days isn't TOO terrible. Life's been good.

I've worked out at least six days a week most weeks.  Last week was the exception. I started feeling sick Thursday night and it worsened.  I ended up resting both Friday and Saturday.  Sunday I kept my activity really light and mostly just worked out to get my body moving and ready for the week. I didn't want to rest but considering I cancelled all of my clients/didn't work (and napped - I never nap!) on Friday, it was much needed. I wanted to try to push myself on Saturday but I was still too sick.  Even with keeping it light on Sunday, it was rough. I felt like I did a lot more than I actually did because it took so much energy.  If felt good but it was also exhausting. Surprisingly I did not require a nap on Sunday.

Luckily last Friday was also the day I had a doctor appointment for something else.  I thought that being sick it was good timing. However, what I had was viral soooo no medication for that.  I found out that I do have achilles tendonitis.  My doc gave me a med for it and between that and the combination of a couple total days of rest last week, it's already feeling better.  He said no jumping or running while it heals.  I've kept it light. Yesterday I did Turbofire and followed the modifier, which is no jumping.  It didn't feel as hard as usual and I didn't burn as much as I normally do jumping around but my ankle feels normal, so I'll keep it up. I did jog on Monday but it was a pretty light jog - slow and with walking intervals. I felt zero pain so that's good.  I think that the slower, easy pace is easier on the ankle. If I were going faster I'd be running harder, which would then cause the stress.  Anyway, so the ankle is on the mend and hopefully it doesn't misbehave because I REALLY don't want to miss the race in April!

I changed my workout plan and started doing more intense weight training this week. I. Hurt.  I'm following the Arnold Blueprint (for Cuts - I just picked one, honestly). It's four weeks of varying body parts.  I'm sure there's another stage or something to the plan but I decided to just go with this and see what happens. So far, on day three, I'm sore.  That's good though... I'm obviously working my muscles because they're screaming at me. I like the program a lot thus far.

Monday was chest and back. My chest doesn't feel as sore today (it was Monday night and yesterday). My back is still sore.  I will repeat this tomorrow. And every Monday and Thursday for the next three weeks. It was fairly painful at the time (not real pain; as in my muscles were like "woah, girl, tone it down!!") but after I was feeling pretty good!

Tuesday was leg day. I don't have machines so I spent some time (a lot of time actually) looking online for modifiers or different exercises I could do in place of those that require machines. So this was a shorter workout than Monday (not much shorter but there are fewer exercises), but still worked me.  My hammies and glutes are yelling at me today. Fun fact - these are my FAVORITE body parts to feel the soreness.  My legs/hips/butt are my "problem area" - forever and always so when I work those I guess I feel extra happy...  That and I really just  like to feel the soreness there. Maybe it's because leg day sucks and most people hate leg day and it makes me think,  "heeeeyyyy, I just did leg day!!" Leg day will be back on Friday.

Today was arms.  My arms are by far the weakest part of my body.  Not my "problem area" but my weak spot.  They will feel the burn far faster than anything else (well, my abs may be in competition with my arms). Today was no different.  They burned.  I only wish I could've seen my face as I was doing the last few reps in set.  It had to be horrible.  But funny horrible so I'd have laughed at myself. There was also a lot of grunting that decided to escape my body.  I felt a bit like the Hulk, except I was not yelling "HULK SMASH!!!"

As I said, tomorrow and Friday are repeats.  Saturday is shoulders. I'm looking forward to that. Like my lower body, my shoulders usually seem to be pretty strong. I also see the changes the fastest with my shoulders.  Sunday is a rest day.  It's also a rest day from running. I think that Sundays will be an amazing day to do some yoga. I'm most definitely going to need it.  I expect that by Sunday I'll be able to say "everything hurts and I'm dying."  And? I freaking love it. I really like this weight training program so far, and it's only four weeks so I shouldn't get bored too quickly.  I'll probably check out other programs and move on to something else. Or maybe, if I don't hate it at the end, I'll do this one again but try to increase my weight. We.  Shall.  See.

Half marathon training was going well until I got sick. I was working on some intervals during my week day runs - adding faster speeds and doing a minute walk to recover.  My plan was that this would help me to work on speed.  I'm hoping to get back to that next week. I'm still recovering from whatever I had so there's a lot of coughing, and still some strained breathing, going on. I'll keep the next couple runs light and easy and then speed it up next week.  I did bump my speed up a few times during Monday's run and honestly it went much better than I anticipated. I didn't totally decondition like I was afraid I would, so yay for that!

My diet has been better.  I've been pretty good about sticking to calories but I'm really trying to eat better foods. I know calories are what matters most but I need to detox from the junk that was finding its way into my life anyway.  I feel a lot better this week just eating more healthy and intuitively.  There is an eating plan along with the Arnold Blueprint but I haven't followed that yet because... I need to grocery shop. Badly.  I'm not buying any supplements or the recommended/specific powders. I'll keep on with what I'm already doing. Also Lent starts today so on Fridays, I won't be eating meat. I don't know that I'll follow it directly but may use it as a guide.

I'd say things are going well and are on-track. I feel awesome this week so I'm hopeful that that will continue!! As I've made abundantly clear, diet is always the hard part for me.  I picked up a new book and journal a while ago and am really working hard to avoid triggers.  I am taking this process much more seriously and my old state of mind found its way back.  I feel like I am finally on the road to where I need to be again.  I'm really working hard to eliminate the negative self-talk. I am not looking at old pictures and belittling myself (there are enough assholes in the World waiting to cut me down; why do that to myself?).  I think once I truly acknowledged where I was in terms of weight and my BED, I was able to find that freedom again. And in all honesty, going to the doctor kicked my butt in gear.  He's going to follow up with me in six weeks and I may ask if I can do that for a while to ensure I'm on the right track again.  If I have that accountability, I am more likely to work harder for it.  I want to reach these goals but sometimes having someone else to answer to motivates me a little more.  I should've gone sooner but I was upset with myself for gaining weight and kept thinking "I'll go when I lose five pounds" or "I should drop 20 pounds first."  I had to just suck it up, face reality, and handle it.

And now? My girl panties are pulled up and I'm taking control of my life back.  Sorry, BED, you're not going to win.  And although I relapsed once, it doesn't mean I will again. I am healthy. I am an athlete. This is a huge part of me and I won't let some eating disorder take over my life. I did it for far too long - off and on for almost 20 years now.  It's. Gotta. Be. Done. I read a quote that stuck with me the other day.... "you don't just choose recovery. You have to keep choosing recovery over and over again." This is true... It's not easy. It's a constant process. And sometimes a constant battle.