Wednesday, April 12, 2017

BED Rears its Ugly Head

There are many disease I hate and wish didn't exist.  There are those that we see all the time and that steal loved ones from us way too early. Like cancer.  There are those that cause young, healthy people to physically deteriorate over time, sometimes stealing their physical abilities before they've hit middle age.  There are those that effect children. Their precious lives are shortened drastically. They have different abilities that sometimes make life a struggle. There are diseases that limit people mentally. There are disease that make people feel like prisoners in their own minds.   There are diseases we can see and others that we don't see. Diseases are horrible. Researchers work tirelessly to find treatments and hopefully cures.

BED (Binge Eating Disorder) is one of those "hidden" diseases.The exact cause is unknown, but believed to be one or a combination of things such as genetics, changes in brain chemicals, depression or other emotional issues, and/or unhealthy dieting. No one knows exactly why they get this disease and once it comes on, it doesn't seem to go away.  There are medications to help treat the symptoms but much like other similar "disorders" it's a fight to stay in recovery. Learning triggers and ways to prevent binges is a key.  I've worked through it before and had a lot of success losing weight; nearly 200 pounds at one point, settling at a comfortable 170-175 pounds lost at one point in time.

A few years ago, when I changed jobs, I didn't have insurance for a bit and stopped taking the medication that helped me.  Combine that with having a new boyfriend (about four years ago) and I gained quite a bit of weight back.  I allowed his bad eating habits into my life on the weekends, which slowly creeped into weekdays.  Then I moved and with greater access, it was easy to just "give in." I recognized it again, finally, just over a year ago and went to the doctor. I've lost about 45 pounds. And I've stalled.  I can't seem to lose anymore. I haven't been able to figure out why.

Until yesterday when I was talking with someone else who struggles.  I'd been ignoring binges that had started to occur. Sure, I've had better control in the last year but without owning up to some of the symptoms of my binges, I've been lying to everyone, including myself. I guess I just blocked out those things... My trigger hasn't been emotional like it used to be.  Well, I guess boredom is an emotion, so I guess somewhat. I continue to work out and eat mostly healthy but those times that boredom sets in and I can't find myself satisfied, binges occur.  I've also find that trying to restrict myself leads to me feeling angry, which results in a binge.

Thinking of the past is also a trigger. I get so pissed off when I see how skinny I was (and still didn't think I was) in 2012.  My thoughts of comparing myself now to then has been a trigger. I've gotten upset with myself and binged. I was ignoring them so I'm not exactly sure of when or what happened, but I know that binges did happen.

Recently I've been doing a cleanse to detox.  This cleanse cuts out a lot of foods, which is hard.  After a week, I allowed myself one real meal.  I acknowledged it and moved on. Back to the cleanse the next day (yesterday). Then last night I did it again. Then I saw someone with an unhealthy food that I, in all honesty, don't even like.  And I wanted it.  I didn't get it but when I went to the store to get healthy groceries, I gave in and bought it. Then ate it after I got home. Which made me feel bad. Then I said "screw it" and ate nearly an entire bag of Skinny Pop popcorn.  The big bag.  I felt all the classical emotions after. And I felt physically ill. My stomach hurt. I binged.  I ate way more than necessary, or normal, in a short period of time.  I guess I was getting tired of the cleanse and that's all it took. The "I can't have that" mentality got to me and it triggered me. I noticed myself getting annoyed with my boyfriend when he'd say "oh yeah, you can't have that." I'd tell him,"No. I am CHOOSING not to have that." And everyone assuming the detox is for weight loss. While that is a (short-term) effect, that's not why I'm doing it. I'm doing it to get all of the disgusting toxins out of my body and to help get me back into clean (super clean!!) eating again. The binge made me realize that, maybe two weeks is too long for me. I was doing well until week two started. Maybe a week detox is a better option.  Too weeks is, apparently, a trigger. As is allowing others' words to creep into my own thoughts.

Today, I am back into the detox with a somewhat different mindset, but also still very angry with myself. I'm really working to journal it out and move on. What's done is done. All I can do is be honest and get back on track.

So, that's what's new with me...

Today is a new day.


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