Thursday, July 20, 2017

It's Not That I Love Food That's the Problem. It's That I Hate It.

That was my realization last night. People are so judgmental. I was talking about how people tend to look at others and make assumptions. Like someone making a comment about the only running I do (did; this was a while ago) is through the McDonald's drive through. I know, not as clever as I'm sure said person thought it was. And certainly not funny. At all. The funny part is that the person who said it could've easily been looking in the mirror. Yes, I laugh at that now. No, I wouldn't say that to anyone. Just making a point... Pot. Kettle. You know.

I've gained weight back. I'm working to lose it. And have lost some. I can see the changes. I still have work to do. I've plateaued. As anyone who's plateaued knows, it's a struggled. I feel stuck. It was s much easier the first time. It's time to re-evaluate and make new changes.

Some people probably look at me and think that I love food. I don't. I hate it. And that really is the problem. I eat it but the relationship I have with it isn't one that's healthy. And even when I was at my smallest, it still wasn't the healthiest. I don't know that I'll ever have a truly healthy relationship with food. But I can make the one I have with it one that is better. I've used it emotionally. I've tried to avoid it. I have viewed it as bad; as something destructive. For me, it has been. Frequently.  It doesn't have to be.

I have decided to make new changes. I've been trying to figure out what it was that made me so much more successful (and my loss faster) last time. A friend is going through the same struggle. In fkact our stories are quite similar. We are both searching for answers to the same question. What's different now? Is it that we both blogged more in the past? Is it that we were so active on Spark People? Did this keep us accountable?  She's had a baby. I got a new boyfriend. Are these factors

bigger than we realize.

I can say that it was much easier when I was alone the majority of the time. With a boyfriend who lived far away, being single, or not in the same town as others, I had it easy. I didn't have to worry about anyone else. It wasn't as easy to meet up for dinner. I could eat what I wanted without worrying about whether someone else would eat it. I didn't have to worry about bad food being around as often. But I started my gain before I moved. New boyfriend, yes. But did just the weekends make THAT much of a difference? It seemed slow but it creeped up. And up. And up.

Clearly I do better when I can be more selfish. I prefer to eat how I want to.  I don't want to think about anyone else. The good news is that my boyfriend is on board. We have a healthier mindset and attitude. He's working on his health too. He's made positive changes; improvements. He's lost almost 20 lbs. He cares about himself and his future in a different way than he had in the past. We are a work in progress but we are healthier.

I know there are some changes he won't make to the same extent as I do. But this is new for him. He's in a different place. I'm going plant based most of the time. I'm working with him to replace red meat with chicken or fish twice a week. I'm teaching him about moderation and changing his thinking. No one is taking anything away or saying "you can't eat that." It's about decreasing and replacing. He can still have pizza or a burger sometimes. He's just not having that type of diet every day. I may eat fish once a week or fish and chicken once a week (each) but I'm eating plant based the rest of the time. A red meat treat will be infrequent. Very infrequent. Rarely.

I realized that when I was losing last time, I wasn't eating red meat or much dairy.  I ate turkey, .chicken, and fish. One once daily, usually. I might have cottage cheese or yogurt once a day several days a week. I wasn't following a plant-based diet but probably followed it 80/20. I aimed for healthy 80/20. Clean 80/20. Now it'll be plant-based 80/20. At least. Unhealthy stuff would make it 80/15/5. Or something. I'd like to say I won't eat any junk but that's not realistic for me. When food and I are getting along, I enjoy a treat now and then.

I need to do better with meal planning and prep. I do better when I do. I may change my tracking and accountability because I feel like that could have a role in this. Maybe I need the social aspect in order to have (better) success. I can work harder. Not in terms of working out. I'm good at that. I love that. But in other ways I can do better.

With that, I'm off to do some work.... My book, my journal, and then an evening walk with the pup. Yes, THE pup. We lost our Buddy in May.

Oh yes....And THAT.  All of the stress that started in February didn't help matters. First Buddy. Then my boyfriend's Grandma (more than once). Then... I don't even know what else. It was rough. Then when hugs settled a little and seemed better... Buddy had another sudden problem and within a few days we had to say goodbye. It was two months yesterday. It's been hard. We miss him like crazy.

Okay.... Now off to my work.

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