I woke up this morning, still in a less than fantastic mood. I definitely did not want to get out of my warm bed. Cuddling with my three little creatures would've been the better choice (in my mind). I didn't have to get up so I decided we would just lay around. Then I heard the familiar roar of the garbage truck rolling by. It took a moment before it really sunk in that I needed to get the garbage out, like now, if I wanted it to be picked up. I jumped out of bed, picked up both puppies and put them outside, and then went and helped Belle outside. The poor little pups were probably half asleep when I sent them out to go potty. I grabbed the bathroom trash and the kitchen trash, threw on a coat and some boots and ran out the back door. I combated the puppies, who really wanted to slip out the gate to go off on some unsupervised adventure. I got the garbage can to the curb just as the truck came rolling down my side of the street. I grabbed yesterday's mail out of the mailbox and ran back to the house. I was just convincing the dogs to stop jumping on the gate and move to let me into the yard when the truck rolled up in front of my house. That is, most definitely, the closest I've come to nearly missing the garbage truck. I've forgotten it before but today was close. However, it was out in time and I got to cuddle with my three little loves. And I needed that this morning.
I was up late last night; just couldn't fall asleep. Then when I did get to sleep, I didn't sleep well. In the little time I was asleep, I woke up at least three times.
**Apologize in advance for any typos I may not catch. Apparently Rocky does not like me typing. Or he thinks that my fingers hitting the keys on this strange (and old) contraption is entertaining. Anything to play! He keeps trying to jump on my lap and nip at them.**
Anyway, last night I didn't sleep well. I think I was a bit overwhelmed with stress; what seemed like one thousand thoughts swirling around in my mind. I was like the creeper dog Mom and just started at them, with an occasional little pat on their little rumps. Belle probably got a bit more of the attentions and petting than the boys, but they were cuddle up snoring so I'm sure they had no idea; nor would they have cared. When I got up this morning, I was a bit agitated at having to get up so quickly. Wednesday is always garbage day so I really don't know why I was so annoyed with the fact that it was happening. It was probably just my lingering not-so-good mood.
When I fired this ancient piece of equipment up last night, I discovered that I had left some pictures on it. Most of what I found were from around 2011 or 2012. I was freaking skinny. I can honestly say that I didn't realize how good I looked. I looked healthy, but skinny (for me - not like a size zero or anything); especially compared to other points in my life. Present moment? Included. For sure. When I saw those pictures I could've fallen into a really bad mood. Was I bummed? Yes. Am I still? Yes. I think I was really able to look at those pictures as what they were though... Me, at least five years ago. Do I think I looked better then than now? Obviously. If not, I wouldn't be fighting in this continued battle. I have been highly disappointed in myself. Highly. Like, super highly. SO much so that I've been kind of an ass to myself sometimes. Negative self-talk never did anyone any good. I know this. I teach this. Positive self-talk (not in some inflated way) is essential.
This morning I didn't hate myself. I didn't beat myself up over how disappointed that I am that I gained some weight back. Do you know what I did notice though? It was about my body. It was just a neutral, random thought, which lead into more positive thoughts. It actually helped set me up to be in a pretty good mood for the morning. In all honesty, that's worn off by this point in the evening. I'm a little crabby. I'm a little down but trying not to be down on myself. I'm tired - that's the problem.
"Oh my gosh, my back is so sore!!"
That was the thought. The completely average thought that helped me to change my mood from ("ugh I don't wanna get up!!" to "today's not going to be so bad." I realize that soreness is not something that typically puts people in a good mood. Depending on the situation and type of soreness (a little headache; chronic pain), it can put people in a really bad mood. Not me; not today. What I realized is that my soreness is because I've been doing strength training again. I'm hitting those muscles in different ways and I'm working them. My first thought was "I must be doing something right!" The soreness reminded me of the fact that I'm working out and giving my body what it needs. This lead me to thinking about feeling good and feeling healthy. As much as I groan about it, or curse the trainer in the midst of it, strength training is necessary and good for everyone! My thoughts developed into positive self-talk/thoughts about myself; my progress; my strength. They reminded me of good things about myself.
We all have choices. We have choices every day. There are those that are easy and routine. There are those that are harder. There are those that are a struggle. And there are those that are an absolute nightmare to have to make - especially when you know in your heart that they're the right choices, even if you don't want to make them. It's what we do with these choices and our thoughts surrounding them that matters.
This morning I could have very easily chosen to stay in my grumpy mood and not have acknowledged my (good) soreness. I could've taken it in a bad way and felt like I'm not doing enough, training hard enough, or it could've helped me walk right back into that negative place. I could have compared what I looked like in the mirror this morning to pictures of me from five or six years ago. I could have allowed disappointment to set in, and I could've been in a terrible mood all day. I didn't though. I chose to look at all I've done and continue to do. I chose to love myself in spite of my own shortcomings. It's okay to have shortcomings. It's okay to feel down about them. It can be a very fine line between that and kids who are getting into things like that as a means to cope.
Thinking traps. Google them. They're where we get stuck with our automatic thoughts. They're not positive. They're not happy. They're negative thoughts about ourselves; about our abilities - or our perceived shortcomings. They can hold us back. They can change us. They can make us feel down and keep us down. We have the power to change our thoughts. Sometimes it takes work. It can be hard. It's also worth it.
I could've had those pictures in mind, had an automatic thought, and got stuck in feeling badly because of those thoughts. Instead of changing them; I'd have allowed them to grow. I'd have felt pretty horrible about myself. As much as things in life can be hard or stressful, I shouldn't allow them to make me feel horrible or determine my happiness. It's up to me to make the choice to change these thought patterns and be kind to myself.
Nope. I am not looking at this as how much "better" I was back then. I chose to accept it and focus on the positive about myself. I was sore because my muscles are growing. I'm being kind to myself.