Wednesday, February 6, 2019

In a Funk. Or a Rut. Or Something.

Oh my gosh... I am so stuck right now.  I feel like I'm failing to meet any goals (or even plan like I used to).  I am not working out like I should. DEFINITELY not eating like I should. Binges are back. I feel like in terms of my health life has spiraled down, over, out of control, whatever over the last six months. I should be getting back on track but I'm just not. I'm tired. I don't feel like doing anything. My motivation is out the window. I only want to eat comfort foods while surrounded by comfort items (blankets).  I miss the old me. The me who was skinny. The me who worked out and ate healthy all the time.  WHERE DID SHE GO?!

Nothing seems to motivate me anymore.  I don't necessarily feel depressed. I'm quite happy with most areas of life. I don't feel stressed out.  I keep trying new ideas and methods for getting back on track but none are lasting or they don't work. Or I don't stick with them long enough. I'm so damn tired of this stupid fight. I'm angry with myself for gaining weight back. I get so upset with myself every time I see a picture from my skinny days. What the heck happened to me? I think this is holding me back. I think I'm stuck looking at who I was six years ago and the anger I feel toward myself for "failing" and losing who I was takes over. I get in a bad mood and say "f--- it." I will say that over the last two years trying to get back to where I was (and now losing all progress I'd made during that time and going back to where I was two years ago) has been hard.  Super hard. It was so damn easy the first time around, but my body doesn't even want to cooperate anymore.  Is it because I'm not ten years older and I've abused my body so much that it doesn't know what to do?

I know what I NEED to do. I just can't seem to get the motivation to do it. I don't even like shopping for clothes anymore. I can't shop where I did. I refuse to go back to stores I was forced to shop at when I was severely overweight. I'm in a rut. A big, huge, rut.  So here I am, knowing I need to start writing about it again. I need to get these feelings out and I need some form of accountability because clearly being accountable to myself hasn't worked.  I also need to accept that my body isn't what it was when I was 29 and that I've put it through hell throughout myself life.  I think once I accept where I am, maybe then I'll be able to move on like I want to; like I need to.  It's rough loving yourself "but..." And I'm stuck on the "but." Again. Like always.   I'm also kind of angry and in the whole "this isn't fair" mode.

I'm not going to jump on board with fat acceptance and just be okay with my body as it is.  That won't ever be me.  For all of those who can do that, that's amazing. Seriously amazing.  I love seeing people be who they are and loving themselves.  I love helping people get to that point in life. I'm a really great therapist but when it comes to doing what I need to do, I really suck. My self-care is crap, but I'll do anything I can to take care of anyone else.

This was a pretty negative post, which is rare for Little Miss Sunshine over here. Maybe I need to post something like this now and then.  Sometimes being real to the rest of the world is a good motivator. At any rate, I am making some steps. I've been looking into meal programs and have been on Pinterest looking at DIY meal programs and for some motivation to get back on track. I am still working out a couple times a week but my diet is what really needs the work.

I freaking hate eating disorders. All of them. No one who struggles living with any of them wants to life that way. It's so hard and so messed up.  They're all different and we are all unique, but an ED is an ED and it's difficult.  So to anyone has fought any ED, you all are great. We're going to battle forever. We will have relapses; sometimes long ones. But don't ever give up your fight. There are ups and downs; good days and bad, but you're strong.  We will power through step by step, even when they're baby steps.

XOXO

Monday, January 14, 2019

The Pain That We Carry

First, I haven't blogged since July.  I thought I was going to be back on a roll, but... Of course not.  Maybe this time.  This isn't some resolution thing.  For me it is a form of self-care and I'm trying to get better with that.  Also, not a resolution... Just me getting my shit together again.  If you've read before, it's pretty clear that I don't make resolutions, but work on goals that are constantly evolving, throughout the year.   With that, I hope that I will blog a little more.  Maybe blogging my self-care journey will be my focus for a while.

2018 was a bit of a rough year.  Looking back, the word, "shitstorm" comes to mind (wow, I've already sworn twice - that's new). However, the whole year wasn't bad.  I completed training for a really cool program called Trails to Wellness (look it up!!) and moved my career in a new directions.  That has been amazing but also stressful.  I completed a half marathon with almost no training (not the best idea, but with A LOT of walking, I finished). With that came a great trip to Disney, so BIG YAY!!! I have met some amazing new people.... My year ended pretty well, there was just some not-so-good stuff mixed in.  Also, when did I start making this one of those yearly wrap-up posts?

MOVING ON from that because I don't want that post to happen....

I let my self-care lack. Big time.  I suppose that's why I'm focusing so much on taking care of me right now. I can't be the best me if I'm not taking care of myself. I deserve that. The people in my life deserve that. And why not be the best me?!  I spent a lot of time trying to take care of others. It did not go well. In fact, it was going on long before that. My problem is that I have a hard time with balance. While I was busy doing things for others, caring for others, and whatever else I had going on, I completely lost my way as far as caring for myself.  Running took a vacation; workouts in general haven't been that great. I gained some weight, which is finding it's way back off (and hopefully with less stress and bullshit, I'll reach that goal again). There was death. I watched someone else struggle and battle something that eventually sucked the life right out of me too. I went through a break-up, which I thought was a terrible thing. Turns out, it wasn't. It was actually a really good thing for me and definitely something that I needed (and was long overdue).

I realized recently (like two days ago) that I've been carrying some things with me that I didn't even realize were such a problem. I had an experience where something sort of scared me... Not in a huge way, but in a quick moment I thought something was going to happen and braced myself for it.  It didn't happen.  My mind went elsewhere for a minute and I thought I might cry. I brought myself back to the present but it bothered me for a little while after.  It was still on my mind for a while so I talked to my boyfriend about it. After talking it out and getting some reassurance, I felt a lot better. But I was (and am!) still really surprised that I had such a strong reaction to something I thought might happen (it didn't).  I knew that when it happened before, I didn't like it, but also never said anything about it.  I'd cringe; maybe flinch, but continued to allow something that I guess I thought I had to allow (no, I was not abused; it was one of those "I don't like that" cringe-worthy moments). I did that with a lot of things (allowing things that I shouldn't have), now that I think about it.  They are not things that I had to allow. They are things that for whatever reason I chose to allow. We all do this all the time.  And where does it get us?

I'm a therapist so I understand trauma on various levels.  I know that trauma is something that is a personal experience.  It doesn't have to come from being attacked, a horrific accident, or anything large-scale.  I'd say that most of us have experienced smaller scale traumas at different times in life. Just because they are smaller doesn't mean that they aren't traumatic.    I was surprised at the amount of pain I actually have carried around with me over some life situations. Things I thought I'd dealt with aren't as bad but things that I didn't even recognize as a problem were surprising. Not pleasantly.

The last couple days have been days of reflection for me. The realization came at an awkward time. It was difficult. Luckily I have someone great to talk through things with. But over the last couple days I made peace with how I was feeling.  It's okay to carry hurt around, even if it comes out at times we don't want it to. It's how we truly handle it that impacts our lives.  It is okay to share things with others. If those that we choose to open up to are not receptive to this or cause us to hurt even more, then those are people that we need to walk away from.

Do you know the really great thing about carrying pain? We can learn from it. It can help us heal. By facing the pain, we gain strength. It's absolutely critical to have the right, supportive people by our sides when we are doing so because it can be a difficult journey.  Find someone you can rely on; truly rely on, someone you can trust, and make sure it is someone you know you can talk to without fear of judgement or being told you're behaving in a certain way. Where do I go from here? Well, I've already started healing over this newly realized issue. Fortunately for me it's a fairly small issue, but one that apparently made an impact on me.  Just realizing it, acknowledging it, and not being afraid to discuss it has been healing for me. It was painfully weird at first but I feel like now that's something I can move on from and that I won't allow it to continue to hurt me, or to allow anything to continue that I do not agree with.

I hope that your 2018 was a great year for you and I hope that your 2019 will be nothing less than amazing!! I hope that we can all move forward with peace and happiness, into a year full of blessings. If there are struggles, I hope that we can learn from them and worth through them so that we can grow as individuals.

XOXO