Wednesday, February 6, 2019

In a Funk. Or a Rut. Or Something.

Oh my gosh... I am so stuck right now.  I feel like I'm failing to meet any goals (or even plan like I used to).  I am not working out like I should. DEFINITELY not eating like I should. Binges are back. I feel like in terms of my health life has spiraled down, over, out of control, whatever over the last six months. I should be getting back on track but I'm just not. I'm tired. I don't feel like doing anything. My motivation is out the window. I only want to eat comfort foods while surrounded by comfort items (blankets).  I miss the old me. The me who was skinny. The me who worked out and ate healthy all the time.  WHERE DID SHE GO?!

Nothing seems to motivate me anymore.  I don't necessarily feel depressed. I'm quite happy with most areas of life. I don't feel stressed out.  I keep trying new ideas and methods for getting back on track but none are lasting or they don't work. Or I don't stick with them long enough. I'm so damn tired of this stupid fight. I'm angry with myself for gaining weight back. I get so upset with myself every time I see a picture from my skinny days. What the heck happened to me? I think this is holding me back. I think I'm stuck looking at who I was six years ago and the anger I feel toward myself for "failing" and losing who I was takes over. I get in a bad mood and say "f--- it." I will say that over the last two years trying to get back to where I was (and now losing all progress I'd made during that time and going back to where I was two years ago) has been hard.  Super hard. It was so damn easy the first time around, but my body doesn't even want to cooperate anymore.  Is it because I'm not ten years older and I've abused my body so much that it doesn't know what to do?

I know what I NEED to do. I just can't seem to get the motivation to do it. I don't even like shopping for clothes anymore. I can't shop where I did. I refuse to go back to stores I was forced to shop at when I was severely overweight. I'm in a rut. A big, huge, rut.  So here I am, knowing I need to start writing about it again. I need to get these feelings out and I need some form of accountability because clearly being accountable to myself hasn't worked.  I also need to accept that my body isn't what it was when I was 29 and that I've put it through hell throughout myself life.  I think once I accept where I am, maybe then I'll be able to move on like I want to; like I need to.  It's rough loving yourself "but..." And I'm stuck on the "but." Again. Like always.   I'm also kind of angry and in the whole "this isn't fair" mode.

I'm not going to jump on board with fat acceptance and just be okay with my body as it is.  That won't ever be me.  For all of those who can do that, that's amazing. Seriously amazing.  I love seeing people be who they are and loving themselves.  I love helping people get to that point in life. I'm a really great therapist but when it comes to doing what I need to do, I really suck. My self-care is crap, but I'll do anything I can to take care of anyone else.

This was a pretty negative post, which is rare for Little Miss Sunshine over here. Maybe I need to post something like this now and then.  Sometimes being real to the rest of the world is a good motivator. At any rate, I am making some steps. I've been looking into meal programs and have been on Pinterest looking at DIY meal programs and for some motivation to get back on track. I am still working out a couple times a week but my diet is what really needs the work.

I freaking hate eating disorders. All of them. No one who struggles living with any of them wants to life that way. It's so hard and so messed up.  They're all different and we are all unique, but an ED is an ED and it's difficult.  So to anyone has fought any ED, you all are great. We're going to battle forever. We will have relapses; sometimes long ones. But don't ever give up your fight. There are ups and downs; good days and bad, but you're strong.  We will power through step by step, even when they're baby steps.